Friend’s awful dress and my reaction

[SummerFate]

A friend is mine is quite heavily into fashion and spends a lot on clothes. Some of her choices are quite bold and not necessarily what I would pick, but she has a good figure and is quite distinctive looking, so can generally pull off something a bit more “out there”.

However, yesterday she showed me the dress she has spent a fortune on for an event - and it’s hideous. Not “not to my taste” - objectively hideous. And my face reacted before my brain could tell it to keep quiet.

She could tell immediately that I thought it was awful and she looked really upset. She said straight out, “You hate it, don’t you?”, and while I tried to say it just wasn’t my personal cup of tea, it was too late. It was obvious I hated it. I said we all have different tastes, what suits her wouldn’t suit me and that I’ve seen things look amazing on her that I could never wear, but the rest of the evening was really awkward.

I’ve messaged this morning saying I’m sorry if I upset her and that I didn’t mean to, and that she shouldn’t let what I think affect her choice. She hasn’t replied.

How do I fix this? Do I just hope it blows over? I know I should have tried to hide my thoughts, but when she said she’d spent twice what I pay a month for my mortgage, I was expecting something amazing - I just couldn’t hide my reaction when I saw this monstrosity.

Oof that isn’t the nicest D&G item I’ve ever seen x

OP have you heard from your friend yet?

What are people who work hard and save hard allowed to spend their money on?

The poverty crisis isn’t of their making- look up, rather than across.

That reminds me of some festoon blinds my friend’s mum had in the 80s.

They were bloody awful too.

😆

Why do people post on here when they don’t really want opinions…… AIBU? Yes. No I’m not, you are!

OMG, it’s like a bridesmaid dress from 1988!
I think you reacted relatively well as I’d have burst out laughing!

Have you see the picture of the dress she posted? No one thinks she is BU.

@ThatBlackCat Yes, I’m responding to all her replies to people who think she could have been a bit more delicate / tactful / kind because the way I read her post, it wasn’t asking if she was unreasonable to not like the dress it was more about hurting her friends feelings and how to repair the relationship. Someone thought that her posting the dress wasn’t kind and opened her friend up to ridicule but rather than taking those views on board and learning something she doubled down on being right so I just didn’t see the point. I do think some people post to get validation and don’t really want other perspectives, that was probably the situation here.

This board exists for people to get advice. If we had to consider the other person in the story no one would ever post anything on here. And the whole entire point of this board wouldn't exist and the board wouldn't exist. We don't need to be tone policed or told to 'be kind'. Certainly not on an anonymous thread on an anonymous forum. If people cannot grasp the idea of an anonymous forum they are welcome to leave Mumsnet. There are a few bullies on this thread attacking the OP but their posts are being reported and the overwhelming majority agree with OP's AIBU and aren't bullying and attacking her.

I feel for you OP because I also have an expressive face that gives away more than I want to. This will blow over and I doubt it will have any lasting effect on the friendship other than your friend perhaps not sharing pics of her new dresses with you.

‘I’ve messaged this morning saying I’m sorry if I upset her and that I didn’t mean to, and that she shouldn’t let what I think affect her choice. She hasn’t replied.
How do I fix this? Do I just hope it blows over? I know I should have tried to hide my thoughts, but when she said she’d spent twice what I pay a month for my mortgage, I was expecting something amazing - I just couldn’t hide my reaction when I saw this monstrosity’.

This is literally her post, asking about the ‘other person’ in the story and how to fix things and my interpretation from the replies were be a kind and respectful friend / don’t take the piss out of your friends. Anyway, I’m not going to reply any more cos we have different views that aren’t going to change and I’m off out now, happy to disagree. Enjoy your day!

Well this is grim. The dress is fine. Anyone who knows about fashion will know it’s a D&G number. Those who don’t know aren’t worth bothering about.

Here’s the thing though, if you know your friend wears ‘out there’ stuff and you know they spent thousands on it, why wasn’t your face ready with a big smile regardless? Like when a child presents you with something they’ve made and you know it’s gonna be sh*t, you’re still ready with the smile and the positive comments. That’s what you do for a friend.

All the defensive bite-back to various comments isn’t really helping that ‘mean girls’ image you’ve created.

This Op, why cannot you allow your friend to think she would look great in such expensive monstrosity dress, couldn’t you rejoice at her joy???

Oh, I forgot! Because you are her friend and don’t want her to ridicule herself with a D&G dress that would look out of place on most situations.

Like when a child presents you with something they’ve made and you know it’s gonna be sht, you’re still ready with the smile and the positive comments. That’s what you do for a friend.*

@Poppyfie1ds Hmm, should we really treat our adult friends like children? Adults should be able to accept differing opinions and I’d hope that my close friends would be honest with me.

Well this is grim. The dress is fine. Anyone who knows about fashion will know it’s a D&G number. Those who don’t know aren’t worth bothering about

This perfectly sums up how "Emperor's New Clothes" the fashion industry is.

Jesus Christ on a motorbike that is the ugliest dress I have ever, ever seen. 🫣😱

… but what is there is nothing positive about the dress?! As in ZERO.

If you’ve read my posts, you’ll have seen I already explained that this was significantly more “out there” than anything she’d shown me before. If it helps you to understand, think of it like this. Imagine a friend frequently changed her hairstyle; say one day a pink streak, the next cornrows. Now imagine that one day, when you were expecting the pink streak to maybe be purple or blue this time, she’s actually shaved her hair almost to the bone and had what’s left dyed into a leopard print pattern. That’s how unexpected this was for me.

From your rather haughty “Anyone who’s anyone would know it’s D&G” comment that you’ve crossed the barrier between fashion lover and fashion victim, and that if it was 15 quid on Shein, you’d also think it was hideous.

Jesus … where?!!

You don’t have to like the dress or understand the dress or ‘get’ what would possess someone to spend thousands on the dress, to show unconditional positive regard for your friend by smiling at the that brings her joy. Doesn’t matter if it’s designer or from shein. Response should be positive. People hang out with their friends because they leave us feeling happier, and they share our triumphs and tribulations with a matched level of joy or despair.

No one has said you have to like the dress yourself. An unexpected hairstyle is the perfect example because yes, even if your friend had shaved her head, you’d still have to put on a smile and be positive, showing curiosity rather than judgement. If you can’t manage an automatic positive face as your default reaction to your friends at all times, you should probably be practising.

This is really basic stuff. In polite conversation with loved ones if you don’t like what you’re being presented with, or you can’t agree with it, you find the one thing that you can sound positive about. How the lack of hair really shows off their beautiful cheekbones and how jealous you are about them not having to spend half an hour in the morning doing their hair like you have to. Good natured positive stuff.

Wth the dress, most people would be able to say that the fabric is beautiful all that the colour really suits her or what a steal if she got it half price. With these sort of superficial things, there’s always positives to be found.

It’s always positive positive positive first. Afterwards, then you can start with gentle discouragement if you genuinely think it’s necessary, but from a non-personal point of view.

So you might suggest that going out to do the school run that dress might not be a good idea because the other Mum’s might make fun out of her wearing a formal gown - you don’t say because you think the dress is hideous. If she’s got a reasonable figure, is styling the dress properly and is wearing it in a high-end environment, there’s no reason she wouldn’t be able to rock that dress and why others wouldn’t like the dress on your friend.

Of course you might think what I’m saying is absolute nonsense and that you’re absolutely right about this situation on all points - the dress is horrible, your reaction was right. Fine.

they share our triumphs and tribulations with a matched level of joy or despair.

Bloody hell, that’s a bit much. Dry your eyes - it’s only a frock!

Would you still consider the dress fine if it wasn't a D&G number?

Now im officially old

If my friend had to put on a production worthy of Oscar level acting I wouldn't want them as my friend.

My style has always been out there, I know it, my friends know it. Taxi drivers would ask if I was going to a fancy dress party in the 1980s.

My friends have rolled their eyes and said Ffs Margo what are you thinking when I spent a months wages on a coat.

I dressed like that for ME and my friends didnt have to pretend they liked it. They liked me and it was all banter between us all.

Friend already know its out there and should be aware it's not everyone cup of Dolce and Gabanna and not take the hump over it.