I’m an Empath

[ArtfulRubyKoala]

AIBU to think that people who use the word ‘empath’ to describe themself actually tend to be incredibly self absorbed?
I have only met 2 people who have used this word to describe themselves and it was noticeable with both how much time they spent talking about themselves during the time I was with them. I also found it odd that both told me they were empaths the first time I met them.

Obviously my sample size of 2 makes this fact(!) but am interested to hear other people’s experiences.

Yeah I see your point actually, that it might be better described as hyper vigilance. That’s probably a better description of what I experience.

First of all, it's not a common phrase. I assumed you meant what you said. What did you mean?
Also, just because someone has had childhood trauma does not mean what they say cannot be discussed. Not sure what you mean by being called bores or attentions seekers as I have done neither of these things.

Believe me, I’m not going to give you a Christmas Lecture on how an ACE score of 10 resulted in severe enmeshment and a lack of ‘self’. Nor how I had many years of psychotherapy to be taught to change my neural pathways to develop my own feelings, as well as my own likes, dreams, and needs. I’ll be here all week.

Announcing it isn't interesting. It's s a bit twattish in my opinion, like waltzing in and stating you're an entrepreneur when all you do is you sell Avon.

Well quite. I doubt anyone who was genuinely hyper-empathetic would ever announce it to anyone in real life. They’d have enough empathy to know people would think they were a twat. 😂

It’s not a superpower, it’s a trauma-response. We’re not born with hyper-empathy, we’re moulded like that because at some point our lives depended on the moods and feelings of others. Once we’re no longer in that unsafe environment we can’t just stop doing it.

You do not have hyper empathy - you're sensitive to change - more observant than others, and I understand why, but there is no such thing as hyper empathy

So are you saying that there’s no such thing as empathy? Do you not think that some people lack empathy?

If it’s on a scale, with sociopaths at one end who have zero empathy, then by definition there will be people on the other end of the scale who have loads. Most people will fall between the two extremes.

Exactly, that’s hyper-vigilance. Nothing to do with hyper-empathy, which is questionable (unless you are that lady in Star Trek as that was her claim to fame, but then again, they had aliens walking all the place as well).

From Google, the definition of empathy:

Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand, and share the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of another person, often described as "putting oneself in another's shoes". It goes beyond sympathy by actively sharing in the emotional experience, facilitating deeper relationships, trust, and compassionate, prosocial behavior. 1, 2, 3, 4]
Key Types of Empathy
Psychologists generally classify empathy into three types, as described by Wellbeing People and Verywell Mind: 1, 2]
Cognitive Empathy: Understanding another person's perspective or mental state (perspective-taking).
Emotional (or Affective) Empathy: Physically feeling what another person feels, creating a shared emotional experience.
Compassionate (or Empathic Concern) Empathy: Understanding and feeling another's distress, coupled with a motivation to help. 1, 2, 3]

Which parts do you disagree with the experts on?

Well you can never 'share in others' emotions ' fully, as you have not lived their life. So it's inaccurate at best, parasitic at worst.

He said "I know it looks like I don't have any empathy for XXXX, it's just that I feel it SO deeply it doesn't show".

He too is extremely narcissistic.

What @DuskOPorter said applies to me

Yes, some people have more empathy than others but what you've described isn't empathy.

I'm all for sympathy (etymology 'suffering with') but empathy, as in suffering in, is an impossibility.

Did you miss the posts where I described physically feeling other people’s feelings? (emotional empathy). Or where I talked about being able to notice people’s moods, feelings and positions (perspective taking). Or how I felt compulsed to people-please and make things better because I couldn’t stand the physical pain of people’s suffering? (Compassionate empathy). I’ve actually set-up and ran two charities, a number of support groups and done a load of other volunteering across a variety of demographics. I’ve had refugees living in my home. Not even because I’m a good person, but because I couldn’t stand the discomfort of sitting back and doing nothing.

That is all empathy. You’ve just latched onto one example and decided that it isn’t.

That's not empathy, it's distress intolerance, which is very common after an abusive childhood. It's more about you and your feelings than other people and their feelings.

No, @LimbOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheHoleTheHoleInTheGround is right. You’re just not able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings. A pretty usual side effect of an abusive childhood.

Of course it’s distress intolerance, which stems from struggling with other people’s feelings.

I’m not a wet-wipe. I’ve been sexually abused, beaten, had an alcoholic mother and a brutish father who was sent to prison for DV. I’ve been a young carer, spent half my childhood in care, and had my first child all before the age of 16. As an adult I escaped a 10 year DV relationship, had miscarriages, been raped by a stranger, lost my home and numerous other traumas. I cope exceptionally well with my own distress. It’s other people’s suffering that I struggle with.

I get it, my life hasnt been plain sailing, although I dont feel the need to list all my traumas/good deeds to prove anything. I never called you a wet wipe, I didn't even think it, but i am sorry that you have had it so tough.

I'm also every good at handling it when things are happening to me, not so much when they are happening to someone else though. However this isn't empathy, it's literally distress intolerance. You said it yourself you struggle with other people's suffering. It's not about their suffering, it's about how you feel about it. That is not empathy or being an empath or hyper empathetic, it's a trauma response to abuse.

No I am not saying that, we can all empathise with people, but making out that just because you spot things you think no one else does, doesn't make you hyper empathetic or whatever terminology you want to use.

How do you know no one else spots those changes?

We recognise that gender is just a stereotype and everything is what it is at the end of the day.

I don’t disagree that it’s distress intolerance and a result of trauma. But the those things and empathy aren’t mutually exclusive.

Just as an example, my dd invited a new friend from school who I’d never even heard of to our house. I said hello, offered snacks and a drink, made a bit of small talk about school, the usual stuff before they went up to DD’s bedroom. I was in her company for literally two minutes, and knew nothing about her. When she left, I asked dd “Is Amelia’s mum an alcoholic?” DD said “Yes. Why, do you know her?”

I didn’t know her. I could just tell. I’ve had far too many instances like this happen for it to be a coincidence. It’s not ‘woo’. My brain obviously recognised something in her mannerisms or body language that was familiar to me. Some people just have a pain inside them that others don’t see. But you don’t just see that pain, you feel it too. That is empathy.

You cannot physically feel other peoples feelings.

You can if you're an indigo child.

How old is your daughter?

I can't imagine if your child friend is young enough to have her mother with her for a play date that your daughter has any concept of what an alcoholic is!

Or you're projecting your own feeling/observations onto a child??

Why would you even ask your child that, why??