I’m an Empath

[ArtfulRubyKoala]

AIBU to think that people who use the word ‘empath’ to describe themself actually tend to be incredibly self absorbed?
I have only met 2 people who have used this word to describe themselves and it was noticeable with both how much time they spent talking about themselves during the time I was with them. I also found it odd that both told me they were empaths the first time I met them.

Obviously my sample size of 2 makes this fact(!) but am interested to hear other people’s experiences.

Everything

How do you know someone is a narcissist? They tell you they are an empath.

I didn’t say everyone is ‘not very observant’ although DH is! He wouldn’t notice that someone was upset unless they were visibly distressed, crying etc. My DCs are somewhere in between though they’re different in their responses. DD is fairly intuitive and might notice but wouldn’t really be concerned. She’s very much a “not my problem” person, unless it’s someone close. DS is less likely to notice, but is more sensitive and will always try and help people if he can but not to extreme people-pleasing levels.

You totally missed the nuance and tried to change the narrative.

????? I never said I don’t believe in empathy. Of course that is real and something most people have to various degrees. What I don’t believe exists is ‘empaths’. What most people describe as to what makes them empaths versus the general population who have varying levels of empathy, is hyper vigilance due to trauma backgrounds.

I agree with everything you said. I don’t like the word ‘empath’ either but ‘a person with more empathy than the general population, to unhealthy levels, stemming from childhood trauma’ is a bit of a mouthful.

Yet it’s not a mouthful at all when the term ‘hyper vigilant’ can be used to replace that phrase.

I know someone who is so much of an empath that she has added ‘natural empath’ to her social media profile bio just incase anyone who wasn’t sure, can be completely sure of how much of an empath she actually is.

Hyper vigilance only describes a small part of it.

Surely if you are an empath you'd be able to understand why people aren't? (Or are you joking??)

It was a joke 🤣

I'm guessing it's self diagnosed.

It’s not ‘diagnosed’. It’s a behaviour, not a condition.

But everything I’ve described on here has been explained to me in depth by the clinical psychologist who was treating me. My therapy covered my past, the hyper-vigilance, the extreme feelings, the reasons for them, why I feel responsible for how others feel, why my brain does it, the resulting behaviours from them, and how to overcome them. And then a lot of work on developing my own sense of self and my own feelings rather than just being an extension of others.

As I said previously, I’m a lot better now I know who I am. But still have a tendency to notice moods and problems and an urge to make everything better, but I challenge it and work on it.

My mum considers herself someone who always think of others before herself but in reality she's so self centered even small acts like giving someone the best bit of chicken to her is a big act of selflessness for her so she feels like she's always giving everything away to other people. Sorry rant over haha 😅.

Again, none of that is empathy.

For example, there's a couple of times on this thread you have quoted posters and trauma dumped quite a lot of disturbing information about your life totally unsolicited.

That isn't empathy for the person reading, you have no idea what they are going through at all. That was about you.

Again, I get it, I've done it irl even, but everything you have described is a result of your trauma and not some deeper meaning of being an 'empath'.

But still have a tendency to notice moods and problems

Along with other people.

Absolutely agree. Everyone I’ve met that says this has been completely insufferable.

I've never really thought about it before.

I can sense people's emotions from body language/tone and their emotions can often influence mine and make me on edge. I used to think that it was something that I'd done if someone was experiencing a negative emotion or that there should be something I can do to make them happy, which does seem a bit self absorbed written down but also feels quite horrible like you're walking on egg shells. As I've got older I have realised that it's often nothing to do with me at all and a couple of direct questions are likely to clarify. I can still sense emotions though and still want to make someone happy or less sad/angry, I just don't automatically assume that I can or that I'd made them unhappy in the first place.

…and that latter statement is a description of perfectly normal empathy.

Extrapolating out your own experience to appreciate that someone is unhappy or upset is not a special gift. It’s part of human experience.

It’s not the same as claiming you literally feel the same way by some sort of emotional and physical osmosis, which is what the Empath claims. Thereby making someone else’s suffering all about them, rather than doing anything helpful to make it better.

I'm agreeing with this. An ACE score of 10 is horrendous, @DreamyJade. You've done well to be alive and functioning However, I'm dismissing the idea of hyper-empathy and don't even like the word. Sympathy's enough!

With an ACE score of a mere 6, I also seemed to have a spooky super-power until I was through about ten years of therapy. Like you I learned what hyper-vigilance is, what boundaries are, and worked through discovery of my own likes & dislikes, etc. I am undoubtedly more perceptive than average of people's emotional states. Far from infallible, though.

It interests me that good actors can generate my perceptions intentionally, even though I know they're really on a film set and will be chatting normally with the crew in a minute!

"Feeling what others feel" is a misdirection - maladaptive understanding, born of the redundant need to know what significant others are about to feel. Far more useful - and functional - is to observe, question if needed, and choose whether to respond.

I don't need to fix everyone. Neither do you. Most of the time, they don't actually need the fix we might have offered.

This a discussion around empathy that is heavily influenced by the experience of trauma. If you can’t handle someone recounting their experiences of trauma, it’s probably wise to avoid the thread. I apologise if my list of experiences upset you. It was merely a list and there was no description of any of those incidents.

Your definition of ‘trauma dumping’ and mine are obviously different. You’re not a friend that I’m having a coffee with. It’s an anonymous forum where you can discuss things that you wouldn’t necessarily discuss in real life. My intention was only to explain where those maladaptive behaviours came from, but I’m sorry if I upset you or anyone else.

If you can’t handle someone recounting their experiences of trauma, it’s probably wise to avoid the thread.

Spoken like a true 'empath'.

You haven't upset me, I was merely pointing out that you're not some empath on a higher spiritual level of feeling than everyone else, you're exactly the same as many of us with your trauma response. Which includes trauma dumping, wanting to fix things for other people because we can't handle them being upset, picking up on things because that's what we were conditioned to do. It's absolutely textbook distress intolerance as a result of what you've been through.

I tend to agree more with you on this.

Fellow ACE Top Trumps Regional Championship Holder 1973 - 2013 here.

I notice things that other people haven't ever needed to. I can see if their back hurts, if they're smiling broadly but they feel their soul is dying, if the world is becoming a confusing place for them due to an undiagnosed progressive condition. I can also see if an animal is trying to hide pain, is considering launching himself at a table or whether they have just had enough of the groups of children pointing and shrieking at the edge of the paddock.

I know I'm safe, physically and emotionally now. I can see this stuff and not feel anxious or tense or have to fix it to make me feel better and safer. It was from years of childhood and adulthood where my physical and emotional safety and financial security/a literal roof over my head and food to eat (or feed others) that meant I had to notice these things. It wasn't about them, it was about my survival instinct.

These days, I'm fine. I'm safe. I still see it, but I'm not at risk, I know that, so I'm watching. Still pick up clues from children, from adults, from animals, but I don't have a physical fight/flight/freeze. Because I don't need one.

I try not to be a dick, but I won't ever stop noticing stuff. It's not a quasi-magical power, it's self preservation.

With deference, I thought the thread was about people who tell you "I am an empath", and not a discussion of the experience of trauma.

@LimbOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheHoleTheHoleInTheGround

Can I also point out yet again that I agree with you that ‘empath’ is a bollocks phrase, and what people are describing comes from trauma. I also agree that nobody is born with a “superpower” of empathy and it’s actually the sign of a damaged brain rather than a gift. I also agree that people who declare themselves an ‘empath’ are insufferable twats.

Sociopathy is also strongly linked to severe childhood trauma, but nobody says “He’s not a sociopath, there’s no such thing. It’s just trauma”.

Trauma causes deficits at both ends of the scale, so you can end up with little or no empathy, or too much. I’m not sure why you keep sticking the boot in when I can’t see that I’ve said anything different to you.