I’m an Empath

[ArtfulRubyKoala]

AIBU to think that people who use the word ‘empath’ to describe themself actually tend to be incredibly self absorbed?
I have only met 2 people who have used this word to describe themselves and it was noticeable with both how much time they spent talking about themselves during the time I was with them. I also found it odd that both told me they were empaths the first time I met them.

Obviously my sample size of 2 makes this fact(!) but am interested to hear other people’s experiences.

HSP can go in the bin though

I think it’s incredibly telling.

Imagine what someone’s internal monologue about others must be like if they think the ability to just empathise is some kind of superpower.

Ffs, it’s just supposed to be what we do as humans. In fact, imagining how someone feels is one of the most basic ways we connect.

I’ve met four or five self-proclaimed empaths. All of them were toxic narcissists.

But I'm disagreeing with all the stuff about absorbing others' feelings. Autistic people often say this too: that they feel other people's emotions and get distressed by them. This would be a supernatural ability. It doesn't exist.

I don’t see it as ‘absorbing’, more that you’re recognising. That recognition sparks an emotional reaction that you can’t distinguish from your own. So your brain is interpreting it as your own feelings when they belong to someone else. That probably doesn’t explain it very well but it’s definitely a deficit.

You literally said later on that you interpret being a bit quiet to mean your children are suicidal, so what's happening there isn't that you miraculously sensed their pain, it's that you've taken a sign that they maybe have had a tiring day or are mildly worried about something and magnified it into a catastrophe. It's wrongly interpreting signs that everyone else is reading correctly.

Perhaps I've expressed it badly.
Rather than they feel other people's feelings, it would have been more accurate to say they are very alert to the feelings and moods of those around them, and their own feelings and mood alter to 'match'.
I think this is common to most people, to an extent. Which is why we describe positive happy people as 'uplifting' or miserable ones as 'killjoys'.
An empath just does this to an extreme extent, so the feelings of others overtake what would otherwise be their own emotional state.
An empath is not feeling Sally's sadness. You're right, that isn't possible. An empath is seeing Sally's sadness and is unable to seperate their own feelings from the ones they're observing. So they become sad themselves. Not just sad because Sally's upset and they think that's a shame on a normal, but distanced level, but because they feel sad themselves.
The reason I equate this to childhood or relationship abuse, is that survivors learn to see the emotions of their abuser as the prelude to their own. Dad is not happy. Soon none of us will be happy. Partner is in a good mood. The evening will go well and I can be happy.
The learning is that how others feel dictates how you are able to feel.

They’re separate issues. I catastrophise (or rather, I used to. I’m not so bad now) when I sense that there’s something wrong but I don’t sense things are wrong when they’re not.

If I do get the feeling that something is the matter I feel it really strongly, so I’d imagine it must be something life-ending because otherwise I wouldn’t be feeling it so strongly. This is all going on subconsciously, I obviously realise that it’s not life-or-death if I were to take a step back and consciously consider it.

Back to what I said earlier, I know this comes from my DM’s suicide attempts and my inability to keep her safe (and by extension me and my DBs). Now, subconsciously I’m hyper-vigilant because my childish brain learned that reacting very quickly to people’s moods keeps them safe. Out of context it sounds nuts, but in context it’s perfectly understandable.

I had years of therapy to overcome it.

I agree that you're hyper-vigilant and prone to catastrophising and I believe that's exhausting, but I don't agree that you are able to magically feel other people's feelings. You're just on edge because you have linked noticing that someone is unhappy with bad things happening to you.

I’d be interested to understand why you think you qualify as an ‘empath’ and how you know you feel more deeply than others.

It's incredibly arrogant to think you know how another person is feeling.

Self proclaimed empaths are just massive egotists.

Surely she's not an empath if she doesn't understand those other people 🤣

It was a gag.

Sorry, sailed right over my head, not being an empath!

Ah, me too! Obviously not an empath here either 😂

How do you know about the inner workings of that 99% of people?

Exactly. I often notice that someone appears to be upset in some way but I wouldn't be asking co-workers or strangers about their problems because it's none of my business and I assume if they wanted to tell me, they would. I also don't pester people if they are a bit quiet and indicate they want space!

It’s a common turn of phrase, it’s not literal. My clinical psychologist taught me that most people don’t have those responses so I’ll bow to his knowledge, being a professor in his subject.

But I will say this, when multiple people come on here and discuss how childhood trauma has damaged them, it takes someone utterly devoid of empathy to pick their experiences to pieces, and call them bores and attention seekers. So maybe that just proves a point.

Akin to saying I'm more amazing than you, stand back and watch me shine.

The pp didn’t say they interrogate or pester other people about their feelings! Just that they pick up on and internalise their feelings. It’s a completely different thing.

Chill out - nobody who has said they believe they are an empath, on this thread, has conveyed anything of the sort. Most have spoken about their own emotional trauma and how this leaves them intensely tuned in to others’ emotions, at a detriment to themselves. I haven’t picked up any ‘watch me shine’ vibes (and I consider myself an empath 😉).

The problem that people have with others saying they’re an empath is that you can’t actually say if others are picking up as much as you.

it’s a made up condition that isn’t used by professionals.

it’s hyper vigilance. It might actually be the explanation for women’s intuition- it’s something that people without power in a situation do to read what the senior people are going to do to avoid offending them.

it also signals poor boundaries. I think all humans pick up on people’s body language and micro expressions. But others don’t let people’s feeling affect them. That is not being uncaring- it’s healthy

This is an interesting thread. I had to look up what exactly an empath is.

I grew up with very temperamental, argumentative parents who I wanted to stop arguing all the time, and I guess that's where my preoccupation with the emotions/thoughts of others comes from, and my tendency to want to keep the peace at all costs.

But while I think I'm "good" at being tuned into when others are getting upset/uncomfortable/ticked off with someone, I don't think I'm good at dealing with it in the right way. Recently a delivery person made a comment to my friend about her talking over him. I could see a) he was annoyed with her and b) she was annoyed with him. My instinct was to diffuse, I said sorry to him (on her behalf, in hindsight not good) and tried to laugh it off with her, but this just annoyed her more and had no effect on him. It made me realise (again) I have little ability to weigh up who I think is actually right or wrong, I can always see and understand both sides to a fault. I just have an overwhelming need to diffuse and compromise.

Dunno if this is all strictly being an empath or not but I wouldn't really think it's a positive characteristic to have overall. I'm also obsessed with what other people think of me, no matter how much I tell myself not to care it doesn't work. Honestly I probably need therapy to sort it all out.

That is not being an empath! That is not picking up on the fact they need space
( from you ) that is not being aware they need to decompress from work/life.

If you were an empath, you would realise that.

Just be one then, no need to announce it. It's not interesting.

It’s uninteresting enough to have someone start a discussion about it, but we’re not supposed to discuss it?