AIBU to expect my husband to share night feeds and weekends?

[Lisbonismycity]

Is it unreasonable to expect me to do all the nightfeeds? Have woken up livid this morning.

Originally it was planned both of us share the same, smaller and warmer room with our DS. He is 4 weeks old. Husband had fed him a couple of times overnight and will feed him once in the evening (10-12pm when try to sleep) - he has overfed him a couple of times and will be watching TV, casually having a glass of wine or using his phone when they are together, so I barely sleep with worry leaving him but I do need a break. I tried breast feeding but moved to bottle - baby gaining weight and happy. Husband went back to work couple of weeks ago and I agreed it was sensible for him to use the spare bedroom to sleep when he is working the next day to not get woken up so he can work.

He is not working this weekend and retired to the spare bedroom at 11/12pm after DS last feed - he is still in bed now and planning go to running this morning and golfing all afternoon. I have been up with baby since 5 after a feed at 2. Slept 3-4 hours each night since he was born.

It is really wearing thin.
I have managed to seek out a baby sitter / child minder to help. He said ‘we dont need a baby sitter to help’, but I ignored and have booked her starting end of May, even if she comes to the house so I can to the bedroom for a proper rest without worrying a couple of times a week. I live far away from family, they are three hours away so have no support. The baby sitter who visited on Wednesday said I was doing a great job as I looks like I am doing it all alone.

AIBU?

Yes. It is not on. This is not just your baby it is both of your baby. I would suggest a sit down and talking. Doing things like golf etc while you’re struggling is awful of him. He needs to step up or you will soon step out of the relationship. Tell him you need and talk now

YANBU. Tomorrow you go out for the afternoon, as he is doing his thing today. Do not give in to any nonsense from him about it.

Start as you mean to go on. And yes he does need to share the nights and weekends.

Well done on sticking to your guns about the babysitter.

Yanbu. I would be telling him hes not going golfing today, hes having the baby and your going out. He sounds bloody useless.

I had one like this. He did a total one night feed for our DD, resentment set in very quickly. Killed the relationship very quickly.

Great idea to get the babysitter. Look after yourself, he’s made it clear he’s not going to help you. The running and golf is an additional kick in the teeth. Completely unreasonable.

Your husband needs to pull his weight. I've a 3 week old and a year old. I do the week nights as dh works and minds our 1 year old in the early mornings. But dh does the weekend nights (he works mon to fri) or I'd be dead. This week was so hard for example but dh took over as agreed last night so i slept until 7am and relieved him and he's just gone to bed there. I'll watch baby and our 1 year old today to let him rest. It works well.

You were absolutely right about the babysitter. Its laughable that he'd deny you that whilst going golfing7

We chose that after DP went back to work at 3 weeks he would look after the baby til 12. I would go to bed about 7/8 to get some sleep then do the rest of the night. He then did 30 mins in the morning before work so I could shower in peace. He also took baby out for a few hours at the weekend. That worked for us. DC was EBF and refused a bottle.

He did not golf all afternoon - to me that would be the unacceptable bit.

Why is it worrying that he is watching TV while with your baby? That shouldn't keep you awake.

He has been alarmingly and surprisingly useless. Marginally better than doing it myself but even then it has been like having two children. (Him and the baby). I will never have another child with him, sadly I seen myself with a big family but knowing what I have seen now if would be stupid of me to even consider it. Love my little boy and enjoying motherhood so far despite this, but have to have a reality check that I am heading down the road of ‘married single mother’.

What was he like before baby?

What was your reply when he announced his run and golf? Did he agree to 50/50 when ttc? What do you mean by 'over fed' the baby?

I hate the spare bedroom thing- you’re supposed to be a team this leads it into you are responsible for everything that goes on at nighttime. Weekends we used to get a lie in each but alternated night feeds. The golf thing is annoying, while I get he’s been working all week, you need as much of a break

I voted YABU for hiring the childminder rather than focusing on your DH and his responsibility as a parent.
I also don't understand some of your issues - he watches TV when with the baby? So did I!
Also if he is doing the last feed at 11/12 then you need to be going to bed earlier. As another poster suggested, you need a system of he stays up late to do the last feed while you sleep and then you pick up in the morning.
I also don't know what you mean by he overfed them?

I do think he needs to put some of his hobbies on hold though and you are not unreasonable about that, or you need to also say you are going out for the same length of time and he will need to watch the baby.

Unless impossible due to shift work/health concerns, if one person does the night feeds, then the other does the early morning. That way everyone has an opportunity for a solid chunk of sleep.

And agree with others that going out to run/play golf all day with a 4 week old is really selfish.

Well done for booking the babysitter! When I was younger I was the babysitter in a similar situation. The mum mostly slept while I was there.

Why don’t you just say to him when he wakes up this morning “I am doing all the night feeds, the early mornings and you plan on being out all of the day. Can you explain to me how this is fair?”

not asking him to do more, or he needs to do xyz. Just where does he see the fairness?

i agree your husband is being unreasonable here. I did all night feeds for all of my three babies as all fully breastfed. But my husband helped in other ways when he could. He’s a surgeon so is was gone long hours. But when he is off for the weekend he gets up with baby and children at 5/6am or whatever and I lie in until 8/9am. He takes out the older children in the afternoon so I can nap with baby and catch up on rest. he is 100% not spending family money and family time on golf. Especially in this newborn period, this is outrageous. You need a partner in parenthood not a man that simply continues his pre-baby life undisturbed.

The spare room thing is fine as long as you both have the opportunity to use it. I did the majority of the night feeds, but DH took over from 5am every morning and did one weekend night a week whilst I slept in the spare room. He also took over for three hours every evening when he got in from work which meant I had a guaranteed break every day. Early on I used this to sleep. Later on I’d go and meet up with friends sometimes too.

The nightfeeds weren’t share-able for us and both of mine have been breastfed and as brilliant as my husband is he simply doesn’t have the parts for that, but he would stay up with baby until about midnight and then got up with baby at 6ish after morning feed so I could close my eyes for another hour

Once my dh is asleep he doesn’t wake until his alarm so was useless at night feeds because I was always awake with the first cry.

so I did the 8pm feed, then went to bed, he did the 11pm feed when I was asleep then put baby to bed, meaning I had a good 6hrs sleep by the time the 3pm feed happened which I did and dh slept until alarm at 7pm.

sleep is so importnant, dh was useless during the night but was amazing at all other times and our routine worked well for both our children. It’s team work that makes everything work better.

edited to say that at the weekend we each got a long lie one of us got up the Saturday early with the baby and the other did the Sunday.

Also posted too soon- weekends etc really should be shared. You should both get the chance to have some personal time and that little break. We have 2 now but we both give each other just some time every day whether its a long bath, gym, running, sitting in a quiet room😂 it’s so important.

If I’m being generous as baby is only 4 weeks old maybe he doesn’t yet realise that being at home with a baby isn’t all as easy as he might thinks so enforcing a few hours for him to be solo might be enough to change things!

Why are you worried about him watching tv while having the baby? And how can the baby be overfed?

Yes he should be doing his fair share but are you " picking" on non important stuff?

What a bloody cheek, running and golfing all day. And trying to deny you a babysitter . Livid on your behalf. Weekends are to be shared. He sounds a selfish bastard.

What was agreed before baby came along?
Was he fully in agreement to having a child?

If he does the 11pm feed, can he also do the one prior, then you can feed go to bed and sleep, like proper sleep if your bone tired but not overtired, 7pm till 2am, get a 7 hour stretch in? It’s still not enough, but a few longer sleeps will really help.

He needs to pull his weight more, especially at weekends, so you get a break too.

That being said, when he does things like staying up with the baby, you seem to be taking an odd view of it and not sleeping anyway, so I can see why he might feel like there's not much point.

I don't understand the overfeeding thing. If a baby (bottle or boob), has enough, they stop eating. Also, watching TV, having a glass of wine, playing with your phone are perfectly normal things to do when looking after a baby. The half joke about mum's getting through a lot of box sets, is because TV often keeps us awake/helps, when glued to the sofa with a baby feeding/sleeping on us.

Sound like there a lot of presuming rather than direct conversations and everyone knows what they are doing
wife used to go to bed about 9.30 I’d sit up till last feed wife did 2am feed then I was up for work at 6