AIBU to expect my husband to share night feeds and weekends?

[Lisbonismycity]

Is it unreasonable to expect me to do all the nightfeeds? Have woken up livid this morning.

Originally it was planned both of us share the same, smaller and warmer room with our DS. He is 4 weeks old. Husband had fed him a couple of times overnight and will feed him once in the evening (10-12pm when try to sleep) - he has overfed him a couple of times and will be watching TV, casually having a glass of wine or using his phone when they are together, so I barely sleep with worry leaving him but I do need a break. I tried breast feeding but moved to bottle - baby gaining weight and happy. Husband went back to work couple of weeks ago and I agreed it was sensible for him to use the spare bedroom to sleep when he is working the next day to not get woken up so he can work.

He is not working this weekend and retired to the spare bedroom at 11/12pm after DS last feed - he is still in bed now and planning go to running this morning and golfing all afternoon. I have been up with baby since 5 after a feed at 2. Slept 3-4 hours each night since he was born.

It is really wearing thin.
I have managed to seek out a baby sitter / child minder to help. He said ‘we dont need a baby sitter to help’, but I ignored and have booked her starting end of May, even if she comes to the house so I can to the bedroom for a proper rest without worrying a couple of times a week. I live far away from family, they are three hours away so have no support. The baby sitter who visited on Wednesday said I was doing a great job as I looks like I am doing it all alone.

AIBU?

Bottle fed babies can be overfed

Not something I've heard of. Please explain

Where they take more than they need. Cant overfeed breastfed baby though.

@Lisbonismycity
Your updates 💔
I feel for you.
His job being stressful and long hours doesnt explain much of anything.. you didnt know he'd fuck off all day on a jolly at the weekends when you were recovering from birth with a newborn did you????

My advice is:

• Prioritise yourself and the baby.
• Get him to do what you can / he is willing to do.
• Buy in / accept any and all help you can
• Preserve your own financial assets. I am saying a small prayer you arent "paying 50/50" while on mat leave.

I have a stressful job. I vividly remember working until 2 or 3am up until 2 weeks before giving birth. I remember taking work calls while I was in hospital with maternity complications at 7 months pregnant.

And I also remember doing every single night wake even when I went back to work at 6 months post partum. My son didn't sleep through until he was 2. I breastfed hence why I did all the nights but my DH stepped up in other ways, cooking cleaning baby baths & taking the baby when he wasn't working so I could have a break / so I could sleep earlier if needed / so I could do some housework. He regularly took the baby out on a Sunday morning for a coffee so I could have a sleep in and a non-rush shower.

All this to say that Having a Job doesn't negate anyone's responsibility as a parent! Granted, he didn't take to it as quickly as I did but he got there.

I hope you had a conversation with him last night? If not, today is a new day and you should really spell out to him how you need help when he isn't at work. Baby is your 'job' when he's working but 100% shared after that.

I breast fed so did all the feeding. DH pulled his weight in other ways. You don't have to split every job between you. It is better to play to your strengths. You will be parenting this child for many years and there will be times when you are having a tougher time and times when husband is. At 4 weeks in, it is bound to be tougher on the mother. It is the same for everyone.

Bottle fed babies generally stop eating when they are full, just like breast fed ones.

The 'you can't overfeed a breast fed baby' is also a but misleading. It's one of those baby mantras with good intentions but isn't wholly true*. Because (1) you can't see how much a bf baby is taking (2) cluster feeding is a thing (3). With some (but not so) women, babies have to work hard to get the milk out, so don't do it if they are full. So it's easier to do the worrying by saying you can't overfeed them, because otherwise mum's stress that their baby ate half an hour ago and so can't possibly be hungry, don't feed, and it screws up supply and means a hungry baby. Equally, just like with bottle fed babies, most will stop when they are full, but some because of reflux etc, may continue for comfort and make themselves sick. It's just easier to see when that's a risk with bottle fed babies, so you do, whereas your give breast fed ones the benefit of the doubt more. There's nothing magical in best milk which means a baby can ingest unlimited qualities.

*like food before one just being for fun is meant to stop parents stressing.

Totally agree! My dh was up with me for both our ds. I fed them then he winded changed and settled them. Never even occurred to me that he shouldn’t be up through the night because he was working the next day. I was in charge of a human the next day so seemed reasonable that I should be well rested for that! Maybe in hindsight that was a bit selfish of me but it worked for us and we’re still happily married now so can’t have been too bad a move.

FFS. DH is a barrister, having a stressful job is no excuse for poor parenting. On days he wasn't in court he got up with the babies after I had done an early morning feed (breastfeeding) and took them downstairs until such time as they needed to feed again so I could get some undisturbed sleep. Where your baby is bottlefed there is no excuse for him not doing as much as you when you are both home, it is weaponised incompetence. Every time he is home make him do the feed while you watch until he does it right (not that you should have to but long term it will be in your interests). Once you are satisfied he is competent, you should get as much free time as each other.

This is ridiculous OP he sounds absolutely useless I am so sorry

Actually its very easy to overfeed a bottlefed baby.

And its true you cant with a breastfed. They fall asleep when full. They adapt at self - regulating intake and signalling fullness

You are not overfeeding them when theyre clusterfeeding. Its something they need to do to establish the milk supply.

So have you spoken with him about his behaviour- how you can’t just move on from the novelty of a baby, you’ve both chosen to create a new person together and he doesn’t get to dip out whenever he feels like it? Stressful profession my arse, if that was a reason not to parent it should also have been a reason not to choose to become a parent.

I don’t blame you for being angry and getting the ick.

Not being unreasonable at all. With both of our children my partner and I alternated nights with them from the day they were born. They’re 2.5 and 10 months now and we still do it (my oldest is a great sleeper, the youngest not so much), so it means every other night we each get a good nights sleep. Totally prevented sleep exhaustion in the early stages with both newborns

I didn’t bottle feed but was unaware a baby could be overfed, don’t they pull away from the bottle when full in the same way they do breast?

That aside, since he can help during the night he absolutely should. My DH would wake up to do nappy changes sometimes so at least he was helping with what he could. He also used to drive two of them around in the middle of the night sometimes when they wouldn’t settle! He wouldn’t have been off golfing all day when they were 4 weeks old for heavens sake, I wouldn’t have stood for it!

He needs to pull his weight frankly.

They dont always pull away. Not saying all babies do it. But can happen.

Husband woke up at 8am - I fed the baby again and now he has fallen asleep again with the baby on his chest. I am beside them both so it is safe.

My nerves are completely shot - I am so anxious.

OP go out for a few hours today. If he asks what you're doing tell him you're having your day off like he did yesterday as you're assuming this works both ways.

Absolutely true in my case too.

I think your anxiety is also contributing somewhat... you want him to do more but you're also afraid to let him do any more?

Why are you anxious now?

I think I am just sleep deprived in all honesty! And not eaten much as I have not had time due to the baby. Realised all I had was breakfast yesterday! Need to prioritise eatig as that will not be helping the situation.

Girl you need to have a serious conversation with him now this cannot go on. Your basically a single parents while he hasn’t made any adjustments to his life. Going out golfing all afternoon with a newborn at home is digusting in my opinion. You need the rest as you body is still healing.

yes he’s working so he needs sleep but you are in charge of another life on your own all day & need sleep

Wake him and tell him you’re off out for breakfast (if you can leave bubs at the moment, and no shade if you don’t want to).
He wouldn’t be invited, you would be taking a small part of the massive amount of him-time he took unilaterally yesterday, and you would be using it to meet your basic needs as he’s failing to support you in that task because he’s being a selfish dickhead.

So these are things that your DH needs to be prioritising (I know he was out... thats not acceptable).

My son was CLINGY! My DH made sure I had a cup of tea, made every single meal or else took the baby so I could make a meal, made sure there were easy to grab snacks around the house when he was out at work.

Your job is to mind baby and recover, his job is to mind you!

I only questioned the anxiety because your previous comments have mentioned you wanting him to do more but not trusting him with the baby, and also you are currently sitting right next to them and you said you feel anxious.

Of course tiredness will feed into the anxiety but it's a vicious circle. Maybe today he could take the baby for a few hours and you can batch cook some small portions of meals you can reheat throughout the week for yourself? It will make him spend time.with the baby and prep you a little.

Or there are lots of food services where you can buy maternity packages of a weeks meals (so healthy, iron rich meals for breakfast lunch and dinner that you can eat from the fridge or reheat). Even 2 weeks of these meals will ensure you keep your strength up until you feel a bit more up to it. Couple that with getting extra sleep when the babysitter is here and then just being more assertive with your DH will all really help your mood!

Post partum is TOUGH! Your hormones are going crazy, you are all of a sudden expected to know everything about parenting, yoh have absolutely zero time for anything and your relationship is tested to the limits. It won't always be like this but YOU need to stand up for yourself.

My husband generally didn’t do the night feeds. We agreed whilst I was on mat leave, I would do the night wake ups (because even when he did, he would take so long to wake up that I was awake anyway and couldn’t get back to sleep whilst the baby was crying) and he would get up in the mornings at the weekend to let me catch up on some sleep. We did try for a while one of us did the night wake ups on night and the other did the next night, switching who got up in the morning - but because of him struggling to wake, I just ended up getting less sleep).

He used to stay up much later than me - til around midnight. The baby would wake around 11pm. So I would either stay up till that feed, or go to bed early. If I went early, I asked my husband to do the 11pm feed if he were still up and awake. He agreed every time. But then every single time he would be in bed by 10pm. Without fail. Selfish twat.

Your partner should be pulling his weight. If he’s working & you aren’t, it’s fairer for you to do more wake ups but only if you get a chance to sleep when the baby naps during the day. At the weekend, you should be splitting night wake ups and morning get ups between you.

Good luck. Yet another man who thinks his life shouldn’t change when he has a child.

So he gets the spare room to be well rested for work, but you get next to no sleep to look after another human being all day and all night? Run and golf? What an absolutely useless father and husband.

My favourite thing in life is correcting people when they say how hard it is to go it "alone" as a single parent. Nah my life has been a lot easier than all the married single mums I've come across.