AIBU to expect my husband to share night feeds and weekends?

[Lisbonismycity]

Is it unreasonable to expect me to do all the nightfeeds? Have woken up livid this morning.

Originally it was planned both of us share the same, smaller and warmer room with our DS. He is 4 weeks old. Husband had fed him a couple of times overnight and will feed him once in the evening (10-12pm when try to sleep) - he has overfed him a couple of times and will be watching TV, casually having a glass of wine or using his phone when they are together, so I barely sleep with worry leaving him but I do need a break. I tried breast feeding but moved to bottle - baby gaining weight and happy. Husband went back to work couple of weeks ago and I agreed it was sensible for him to use the spare bedroom to sleep when he is working the next day to not get woken up so he can work.

He is not working this weekend and retired to the spare bedroom at 11/12pm after DS last feed - he is still in bed now and planning go to running this morning and golfing all afternoon. I have been up with baby since 5 after a feed at 2. Slept 3-4 hours each night since he was born.

It is really wearing thin.
I have managed to seek out a baby sitter / child minder to help. He said ‘we dont need a baby sitter to help’, but I ignored and have booked her starting end of May, even if she comes to the house so I can to the bedroom for a proper rest without worrying a couple of times a week. I live far away from family, they are three hours away so have no support. The baby sitter who visited on Wednesday said I was doing a great job as I looks like I am doing it all alone.

AIBU?

Do you think mums get "time and space" to feed their babies without choking them? Or are women expected to do it straight away without fucking it up. Didn't realise having a dick means you get a few months to cotton on to performing basic tasks while an overtired post partum woman acts as your personal tutor. Don't forget the golf day off when doing fuck all gets tiring!!

Ultimatum time.

What do you mean he ‘overfed’ your baby and that you worry about him parenting alone in the late evening? Do you think his parenting is unsafe?

If you’re doing separate rooms thing you should do 3 nights in the spare room and him 4: you’re recovering from pregnancy and birth and need adequate sleep to be safe for yourself and DC. That is at least as important as his sleep for work. (i had multiple near miss accidents, a couple with DC1, due to sleep deprivation)

In the immediate time, head out somewhere for a whole day.

That should give him ‘time and space’ to improve his parenting.

Have you had a conversation with him about this? Told him you’re struggling and you need him to step up, cut down hobbies etc. I think his reaction to an honest conversation would say a lot and would determine your future. If there’s still no change after that, then it would be done for me.
What does he say when you’ve shown/explained how and when to feed baby properly. My DH also had a habbit of going straight for a feed when baby was unsettled but he did try and settle first. Babies naturally settle more for their mum’s and my DH struggled with this (more because he felt useless) but after one conversation re feeding, he stopped doing it and just did his best to settle (taking baby out for walks etc).
Also, in regard to him not wanting nay to have a dummy - when he starts acting like a parent he can have a say in said parenting. Till then, give baby a dummy. It also reduces the chances of SIDs. Both mine had one and we reduced use to sleep only around a year old and got rid completely before they turned two problem.

He's done a parkrun today and still went off to play golf for another5/6 hours?? what a useless prick would be my thought tbh.

I breastfed so did 100% of overnights. My husband slept in the spare room. My son didn't sleep for more than 30-40 minutes until he was near 7 months I'd say.

However, it worked for us because a) my DH did everything else.. he made sure the house was clean, we were all fed, he'd take over as soon as he'd come in the door, he'd make me a cup of tea whilst I was stuck under a sleeping baby. We did introduce 1 bottle a day in the evening (formula or breastmilk). I would feed at 8 or 9, put baby down in moses basket and then my husband would give the bottle the next time it was needed and pop baby into the next to me in my room so by the time he was due another feed I had a good few hours sleep. My husband went to bed at 11 or 12 so wasn't tired for work.

At the weekends we'd sometimes do the bottle during the day instead and he might take him out for a walk and bring the baby bottle so I could have a few hours alone whether it be for a shower or bath or just to do housework etc.

One time he dis overfeed the baby... spit up everywhere... baby crying etc. But he learned from it. He didn't do it again. You seem to be jumping in and taking over instead of letting your husband find his feet! He'll never learn or even feel capable if you keep swooping in.

Also, he probably feels he can't cope with the baby alone if he was ringing for you to come back. Again he needs to just get on with it.

My DH did full solo days from 6 months when I went back to work... he was annoyed that I had written out a "schedule" for him but I secretly noticed he kept looking at it and wa ultimately grateful.

I would say the first 3 months were very very tough. Babies are clingy. Mothers tend to cope better because we tend to do it more and are more accustomed and tuned in to the different cries of a baby.

While I agree he needs sleep to work on work nights, he should be helping out at nights on the weekends and also not disappearing for whole days. With both of mine I mainly did the night feeds but my husband used to look after my first from 6pm to 9pm so I could go upstairs and have a proper rest before the night started. Your husband needs to realise his life has changed and he needs to adjust. Both me and my husband consult the ach other before booking things like a day of golf etc to ensure plans don't clash etc. it will get easier overnight, with less wakings over time but for now he needs to step up and if your doing all work nights maybe he can do Friday and or Saturday night so you get at least one full night's sleep. Try also to sleep when baby sleeps, the washing and cleaning can wait x

@Lisbonismycity it’s inexcusable. I’m not sure how your birth went but 4 weeks is still early doors for your body recovering. It’s crazy when you think about it that you go through such a tough process AND then get to take on the toughest job in the world rather than get a few weeks complete rest.

I really empathise with what you say. I sometimes cynically wonder if some men are so supportive of breast feeding precisely because it gets them off the hook. I had major issues with breast feeding and should have stopped trying much earlier than I did. I was hallucinating with tiredness. I particularly hated what several pp mention re: going to bed at 7 and getting up at 12. I did it but felt it wasn’t a proper sleep, I felt sidelined, not relaxed at all… I remember someone offering to babysit once so we could go out in the evening. I was just furious that my partner thought I could just skip that sleep and/or readjust. Of course I was the misery…

My ideal would have been for my partner to do 2 nights a week. He could have done as I had to mix feed. I badly resented his refusal but was too punch drunk with tiredness to sort the issue out and would never have gone to the brink where my baby’s welfare was concerned. This continued into toddlerhood and I ended up cosleeping just to get a decent night of sleep. I was a seething pit of anger annd resentment.

And my partner? Well, I can’t say if this is universal and it is no excuse but as time went one he did more and more until at plus ten years, he does all the school runs, medical appointments, clubs and getting ready for schools as well as organising stuff for school holidays. So much so that I occasionally feel bad that I pretty much take it for granted that I can work unrestricted. If I feel guilty, I remember those early days.

A father with an ordinary job doesn’t need sleep more than a mother recovering from pregnancy and birth and doing most of the parenting.

Hmm - there may be some young, fit men for whom getting up multiple times in the night for extended periods is no worse than a school day night out however even short term they would need the most basic of jobs with a commute that doesn’t need attention and focus. Even I. jobs that don’t risk life and limb of others, a level competency and delivery is required - there is no free pass for being a parent.

My personal view (and I did have a section-and complications) was that I would have liked two nights of not doing the night feeds, corresponding to when my partner didn’t need to be in work the next day, as I was on mat leave with just the new baby. I could and did nap in the day however, short periods of 10 minutes or even a couple of hours don’t make up for a whole night of continuous sleep. Obviously couples need to find what works for them.

I think I am just so disappointed with the whole situation

is he home now, can you raise it with him?

The early weeks are SOOOOO TOUGH.

For I'd say the first 2 or 3 weeks, mayeb even more, I used to nap on the couch every evening... as soon as baby was fed I handed to Dad and yeah he watched TV on low volume and either held baby or changed baby and put in bassinet etc but as soon as I was done feeding I literally lay back down. I was breastfeeding so baby was pretty clung to me early on so this is how we managed. I was getting F all sleep and I needed that rest.

Maybe you could try something like that for a week if you aren't 100% comfortable with him sorting the baby alone?

Also, I think you need to genuinely sit down and tell him that you need to plan weekends etc better so he's doing a bit more as you are 24/7 and the only way the baby will get used to him is more time together and also.you will burn out and get ill.

A run in the morning is fine, as long as he's coming home and picking up the slack. A day out with his mates at 4 weeks when you're shattered ISNT OK.

I’d be having very strong words with him about on what planet he thinks this is acceptable! Does he want me to leave him? Is he deliberately acting out so appallingly to try to make me go? If not, what is his goal? Why the hell would I stick around if he exercises a combination of weaponised incompetence towards his infant and utter selfishness? I’d tell him if he is not willing to raise his child does he want me to move back in with my family to avoid raising the child alone? I’m not going to beg and plead with him to raise his own child so let me know if he wants to be a father or not. If I see no change in 2 weeks I’m gone.

I think he is bang out of order not to be doing day time parenting at weekend. My husband took baby out in the buggy first thing so I could have a lie in. Although he never did any nights as I breastfed and he slept in spare room. He can’t do no nights and no days wtf

unless he’s a brain surgeon or a HGV driver, work isn’t an excuse

My BIL is a neurosurgeon and a much more present and capable father to my sister's newborn than this waster

Yes, but I went back to work at 16 weeks. He then had 10 weeks of shared parental leave (his was full pay, mine was SMP). I still did the night wakes. Without a shadow of a doubt being at work was easier (I will caveat this by saying I am not a Surgeon!). He spent the days with his Mum or sister.

Bloody hell. I wouldn't dignify the 'we don't need a babysitter' nonsense with an answer and I'm glad you went ahead anyway. If my partner did that and his mum found out she'd rip him a new one.

It makes me wonder if there's anyone in your DH's life who could give him a bit of a wake up call? (Obviously it would be nice if the wellbeing of HIS WIFE AND CHILD were enough for that, but hey ho.)

You also sound like you're at risk of becoming the default parent so definitely don't turn down anything he does do - as long as he doesn't put the baby at risk. You don't want to give him an excuse to be even less involved.

He can't plan his days like this. There is a baby to look after now. Sort this out quick xx

First of all you are not insane. He is a terrible husband and father.

He is in quite a stressful profession and told me ‘Its my own fault for marrying’ his profession. ‘You should have known’ - was what he said the day we went home from
the hospital with the baby. I am not worn down enough to think this is true; it is just gaslighting.

He did sleep in the same room last night, he is lying beside me snoring. I have just fed the baby. All attraction to him is gone.

With my DD, once DH returned to work (only 2 weeks paternity leave) he would do the late feed at around 10pm then put her to bed. I would go to bed at around 8pm so usually managed to get 6 hours sleep before she woke for her night feed. We never slept in different bedrooms but DD went in her own room at 3 months old because we kept waking her up! He would need to leave the house by 7am to get to work so I generally did the morning feed and have a quick shower before he left.
At weekends, we took it in turns to get up in the night, and each had a lie in on Saturday or Sunday. I saw it as mainly my responsibility to look after the baby whilst on maternity leave as he was out of the house 11 hours a day 5 days a week. I was able to have a nap most afternoons whilst the baby was sleeping. He did all the laundry and food shop at weekends, plus housework on Saturday mornings.
Your baby is only 4 weeks old - it’s very early days for both of you and it’s exhausting. It will get better!

Sleeping in shifts really helped up in the early days. I went to bed at 7 and got up at midnight then took over so he still got a good 6 hours sleep for work and I’d got a good chunk beforehand.
that said, in time my DD stopped taking a bottle from anyone but me (still the case) so I did all night feeds from there and at the time was pretty pissed off but upon speaking to friends, it seems pretty common that mums do all the night feedings and once I’d accepted he was great in other ways we just eventually fell into a routine that worked.

The golfing this early on is a bit much, I think it was a probably after 6 months my partner resumed golf every now and again. You do both need down time without the baby, but we all know golf takes an eternity!

Stressful office job, I assume? That’s awful he said that. The time for him to do so would be before marriage and ttc.

@BlackCatThinking Many, many mothers and fathers fulfil our responsibilities at work fine while sharing parenting at night. Yes, it’s exhausting. Not to the extent of being unable to perform. It’s not more important for a man to be ‘fresh’ for his office job than his partner to be well enough to safely parent their baby.