AIBU to expect my husband to share night feeds and weekends?

[Lisbonismycity]

Is it unreasonable to expect me to do all the nightfeeds? Have woken up livid this morning.

Originally it was planned both of us share the same, smaller and warmer room with our DS. He is 4 weeks old. Husband had fed him a couple of times overnight and will feed him once in the evening (10-12pm when try to sleep) - he has overfed him a couple of times and will be watching TV, casually having a glass of wine or using his phone when they are together, so I barely sleep with worry leaving him but I do need a break. I tried breast feeding but moved to bottle - baby gaining weight and happy. Husband went back to work couple of weeks ago and I agreed it was sensible for him to use the spare bedroom to sleep when he is working the next day to not get woken up so he can work.

He is not working this weekend and retired to the spare bedroom at 11/12pm after DS last feed - he is still in bed now and planning go to running this morning and golfing all afternoon. I have been up with baby since 5 after a feed at 2. Slept 3-4 hours each night since he was born.

It is really wearing thin.
I have managed to seek out a baby sitter / child minder to help. He said ‘we dont need a baby sitter to help’, but I ignored and have booked her starting end of May, even if she comes to the house so I can to the bedroom for a proper rest without worrying a couple of times a week. I live far away from family, they are three hours away so have no support. The baby sitter who visited on Wednesday said I was doing a great job as I looks like I am doing it all alone.

AIBU?

Your sleep takes priority over his run and golf. He needs to cancel both and send you back to bed. Absolutely ridiculous.

Yeah he’s taking the piss massively. Weaponised incompetence wrt feeding the baby- were you born knowing how to feed a baby or have you learned pdq!? If he’s able to hold down a job he can learn to feed his son properly.

A whole day out is just beyond. If he wants you to do it all he needs to find somewhere else to live so he’s not getting in your way.

he is still in bed now and planning go to running this morning and golfing all afternoon.

Absolute piss take.
If he goes i wpuld honestly go out for the day tomorrow - let him do a 8 hr block solo.

I had 2 under 2.
This morning my dh took our 2 and 4 Yr out for the morning off his own back and prepped and too everything needed. He coparents.
He didnt "come" that way.... it was work for everyone.

Die on this hill now.

If he is shit at looking after the baby the onpy way he will improve is with practice.

We also did a shift system. Dh did 6/7-12 every night for the first few months id sleep then we would "swap" and I'd do 12-5/6 /then we'd give me an hour.

With feeding
"Johnny since you can feed the baby safely with your phone/ tv and wine... you are going to need to leave your phone in the kitchen and feed the baby in the bedroom. You also cant have alcohol in the week. If you can demonstrate you are capable of not ignoring and choking the baby once these are removed we can review. Im sure you can handle no pokemon go for 15 mins...."

It's so so unsexy but you need to line mange the hell out of him or you will be trapped
I cannot overstate this enough.

His life hasn’t changed has it? I think you need to be very clear with him that you are effectively a single parent and if he doesn’t step up very quickly you will be asking him to move out, claim child maintenance and then at least you’ll get a rest every other weekend!!

We.shared the night feeds for my first (bottle fed) 50-50 (swapping around 3am, and then going to alternate nights). With my BF baby that didn't work, but he took her and the toddler in the mornings as much as possible.

That being said, I wouldn't write off your whole marriage based on just one month of crappy parenting. He needs to pull his weight more, and develop competence with baby, he does need do this, and fairly quickly.

I wouldn't have had an issue with him being out for the day in terms of my ability to cope, but that's because I wasn't knackered, because we shared the nights. If have struggled more when they were older and harder work though.

More crucially though is that your life has changed, and he hasn't twigged yet that his needs to also. Saturdays aren't primarily just his time off anymore. Whether that's tagging in with the frazzled other parent, or entertaining them, or when they are older, birthday parties, clubs, family activities etc, the needs of the children have to be factored in now. Your weekends have changed for the next decade at least, and his need to as well. Personal time, whilst important, is no discussed and arranged with the other person, because of the kids.

It's a marathon not a sprint though, so what matters is him getting this, not him being clueless at the start.

Lots of good suggestions for split shifts and getting a block of sleep early/hour in the morning and a lie in each at the weekend. I tried all this but ultimately am 1 and done with an XH. Do try to talk it through though. He may just not have thought/assume there doesn't need to be 2 of you whilst baby is so small. I was advised not to take any big decisions for the first 12 months, it took longer in the end but it was good advice.

I breast fed all 6 of mine so i did all the night feeds. If you only have one child can you not rest when the wee one sleeps? If your husband is working full time i think he should get to sleep during the week but overall he does sound pretty useless. It should not be so tricky with one wee one.

I breastfed so my husband couldn't do night feeds, I wouldn't have expected him to if he was the one working and I was on mat leave, especially as he had an hour plus commute on the the motorway each way. But he did pull his weight in every other way, did all food shopping and cooking, put our other children to bed when it wasnt our first and generally just did his share of everything apart from night feeds. I didn't resent him for sleeping, he was happy to do the other things, it worked well. He didn't go playing golf for hours at the weekend, we spent time together, got house jobs done etc.

I know way too many women who experience this. No excuse and he should be better but sadly many men find the adjustment much harder than mum.

He’s taking the piss with feeding the baby. If he’s a competent adult, he can understand basic points about feeding and comforting a baby. Yes, some of it takes practice, but he needs to do that before texting you that the baby is hysterical and you need to come back. Every parent has had a crying newborn they couldn’t soothe immediately! But he’s creating a situation where you can’t go out because he’ll give you the “you know the baby doesn’t settle for me, you can’t leave” bullshit, and then swan off himself.

There no instructions with babies and a combination or not knowing and lacking confidence can make anyone struggle and naturally pull back

I think of some of the errors I’d did I’m horrified but its a learning curve

it’s a fine line between stepping in and taking over ,hovering in the background and leaving them to it

100% agree with no big decisions in first 12 months.

You are 4 weeks in. Its still very new... he may well get with the program after a few more conversations/ arguments.

You do also need to step back so he can step up. As lame as it is... lots of praise to build his confidence.

Also its important to keep in mind Everything is a phase and you can "wait out" the problem.
Eg. Reflux and neverending winding goes away... Teething eventually goes away, the toddle will potty train (poorly fitted nappies are no longer an issue) etc etc

My friend has a useless husband son is 4 and things are much easier shes staying with him.

another has a just 3 and 14m old and is about to leave her husband. He is useless hates her and isnt trying to meet her halfway.

I think if the relationship is dying on the vine and he has no interest in meeting you half way you are better of breaking up when your DS is young (3 or under I'd say based looking at my own children's awareness)

I do agree with this, and I do think sometimes some mothers can be too quick to jump in. But it doesn’t sound like this man is desperate to be given the opportunity to do it. OP went out and he was calling her back! And now he’s out for the whole day.

The point I’m ‘ridiculously’ making as you so rudely put it! Is that I can’t believe that an important life changing event like having a baby and there seems to have been no discussion beforehand about what that will look like!
I’m shocked by the amount of posts on MN in general that would have never been an issue if couples just bloody talked to each other! I can’t believe it’s so bloody complicated to have a sodding conversation with the person you’re married to!! And if it is so difficult to have a conversation with that person why on earth did they get into and continue a relationship with them!!

OP nip this in the bud sooner rather than later.

Due to my dh's work committments I have pretty done all overnights since my dd was born (she just turned one). Even when he tries to help he struggles to settle her as she is so used to me doing it and honestly it is exhausting.

He always gets up with her at the weekend mornings and tries to give me a break but in your situation I would be telling him to step up.

This may overstep the mark, what type of partner was he before you had a child? Are you surprised he's behaving this way?

Won't help if she doesn't trust him to look after the baby so won't sleep.

If she wants him to do a fair share of looking after the baby then she needs to let him figure out how to do it himself rather than hovering about feeling critical and superior with the grand total of 4 weeks experience of parenthood

Unfortunately, your experience is representative of many

He is being unreasonable. 100% you should be splitting night feeds on the weekends, if anything he does more so you get the sleep he’s getting during the week.
With both our dc for the first few months, my husband did the first shift with them till 12/1am and I slept then I took over so he could sleep. He can manage find on 7 hours sleep a night. We did until they were down to 1/2 wake ups a night then I took over during the week completely.
The hobbies - fine as long as it’s equal and you get the same opportunity I guess. Every couple does things differently

This is what we did when DH went back to work and I was still on mat leave - I would do nights sat - wed mid week and then he would do Thursday & Friday night (he had chill Fridays so could afford to not sleep well on the Thursday). I did Saturday night as thought it’s fair that he gets one weekend night where he gets to go to bed and have a sleep in.

I cannot believe your husband off on long outings without you so soon OP!

Mid week alone with a baby during mat leave is really tough, the weekends were when I finally had someone to share the load with so would expect DH to absolutely be there most of the day. The weekends are also his only time to bond with baby, so it’s kind of sad that he’s happy to be out of the house for half of it.

You need to sit him down as he sounds really crap. Hopefully just an oversight and if you explain he’ll improve.

Maybe you’re acting too much like you’ve got your act together? I was extremely weepy lol so probably it was obvious I needed DH around. Also he doesn’t play golf, thank god! The worst hobby a man can have 😆

Very. The change started in pregnancy.

I think I am naturally a cope-er, always have been very independent so have never relied on anymore. I probably missed a few red flags on reflection during dating due to this; as I am so happy in my own company and do not really need much

I think I was in bed by 9pm at the latest when DC were babies and we each got a lie in/got up with DC on either a Saturday or Sunday.

When things were bad at night DH would get up anytime before 2am and would do after 2am and get up at 4/5am when DC wanted to start their day.

Your DH needs to do more. Look after yourself.

What a disgrace he is. I'm sorry for you OP. My sister's baby is a month old too, and her DH has left them alone for "his" stuff (ie not taking the baby out or doing errands for her and baby) twice - both times to go to work due to urgent crisis (he's a dr). Yours has done it twice in a day!! And it's frankly embarrassing he can't safely feed his own child.

I have 3 children, no one else ever got up with them in the night unfortunately .
Only me 😭
when I had baby #2 , I got so very tired and I decided I’d just tell my husband , not ask him , that he was going to give the late night feed and I’d make up a bottle ( my BF was well established so I felt that would be ok to do that once per day , I had trouble expressing so it had to be formula )
So at least I could head to bed very early and I’d do middle of night and early morning feed .
baby #3 I did it all 🙁 but I I did find a once a fortnight cleaning lady .
It sounds like your husband needs a bit of training as to how to feed your new baby .
A dummy will help , you absolutely don’t want baby vomiting and windy because they are over fed .
And the babysitter for help is a good idea if you have the funds .
I didn’t do that and I still feel fed up about it .
My husband really had no idea how hard work it was , especially with 3 children.
I believe he thought I was just faffing about all day