AIBU to expect my husband to share night feeds and weekends?

[Lisbonismycity]

Is it unreasonable to expect me to do all the nightfeeds? Have woken up livid this morning.

Originally it was planned both of us share the same, smaller and warmer room with our DS. He is 4 weeks old. Husband had fed him a couple of times overnight and will feed him once in the evening (10-12pm when try to sleep) - he has overfed him a couple of times and will be watching TV, casually having a glass of wine or using his phone when they are together, so I barely sleep with worry leaving him but I do need a break. I tried breast feeding but moved to bottle - baby gaining weight and happy. Husband went back to work couple of weeks ago and I agreed it was sensible for him to use the spare bedroom to sleep when he is working the next day to not get woken up so he can work.

He is not working this weekend and retired to the spare bedroom at 11/12pm after DS last feed - he is still in bed now and planning go to running this morning and golfing all afternoon. I have been up with baby since 5 after a feed at 2. Slept 3-4 hours each night since he was born.

It is really wearing thin.
I have managed to seek out a baby sitter / child minder to help. He said ‘we dont need a baby sitter to help’, but I ignored and have booked her starting end of May, even if she comes to the house so I can to the bedroom for a proper rest without worrying a couple of times a week. I live far away from family, they are three hours away so have no support. The baby sitter who visited on Wednesday said I was doing a great job as I looks like I am doing it all alone.

AIBU?

I have one of these (although not likely for much longer). Our DC is now 2 years old, and I’m kicking myself for not being firmer earlier on. I’m exhausted, bitter and checking out of our relationship.

I think a conversation is in order here, and a ‘rota’ system sorted. Just because you’re on mat leave (I assume) doesn’t mean the baby is only your full-time concern. Weekends need to be shared, at the very least.

What difference does this make?

Because if you didn’t have a conversation about these things before baby was born you probably have different expectations about who does what and also if you’d agreed before you would now be able to say to him don’t you remember what we agreed.
In terms of agreement to having a child if he didn’t really want a child but you’ve talked him into it or he’s given in to make you happy then I could see where he may feel that he shouldn’t have to do his share.
For what it’s worth I think you really need to sit down with him now and get some agreements in place.
Maybe hubs and I talk too much! We even have a conversation about our expectations for holidays
so no one is disappointed and we both enjoy the holidays!

Hope you're okay, OP. I would say try not to make any decisions about your relationship while your baby is so young, and you're postpartum, though I agree absolutely your DP needs to step up.

• great to babysitter as long as it's one you trust
• get a system. Start sleeping in shifts. If DP has baby until 12 on a work night, go to bed at 7 if you have to, get 5 hours solid sleep. Can you agree one lie in each on the weekend?

I've seen people on here suggest all free time outside of work hours should be split equally.

My DH and I have been in shifts since our 14mo was born, only just starting to come out of it now he's sleeping almost through the night (breastfed). My DH has a full time job and a business and he would stay up overnight working (flexible hours), watch our DS and give him expressed milk for 4-5 hours while I slept between ages 6 weeks and 3 months. Then I took him back overnight but co slept and DH would have us on the monitor while working to check we were safe. He's also done majority of cleaning and dinner making. Neither of us have much free time though DH had more freedom to go to the gym, I could go to baby groups.

Second reply in and someone has suggested the OP going out for the afternoon to make it fair. Not everyone wants to or can leave their 4 week
old baby for an afternoon!! Especially during birth recovery.

Because if you didn’t have a conversation about these things before baby was born you probably have different expectations about who does what and also if you’d agreed before you would now be able to say to him don’t you remember what we agreed

Don't be ridiculous, that's no excuse whatsoever. Do you think social services would except this excuse if both parents had the 'expectation' the other would do it, and so the baby was neglected? No they wouldn't, its not a good enough excuse for a mother not to parent, so its not a good enough excuse for a man either.

He’s useless (lots of men are in newborn stage) you’ve done exactly the right thing enlisting competent help. He has some big making up
to you to do at some point but ignore that for now and just focus on you and your babies wellbeing xx

I think your problem may be a simple one of expecting him to know. He SHOULD know, I agree, but he clearly doesn’t.
You need to both sit down and work out a schedule that is fair to both of you. Then stick to it.

Sorry but that’s not good enough and his actions may cause irreparable damage to the relationship. How a man treats a woman when she’s at her most vulnerable says a lot about him. DP was my rock post partum. Seeing him as a doting father has made me love him even more.

Also women can’t be useless can they? We just get on with it!!

The difference it makes is whether he feels he'd been trapped with another child, rather than actively agreeing to become a father again.

He has not been trapped with a child - all he talked about in early dating was his desire to be a father. He was more keen than me.

The reason I say ‘over feeding’ is that instead of considering baby may be tired, gassy etc he gives the bottle and this 93rd centile baby will use the teet as comfort and DRINK. He does not stop to burp as he is distracted with TV, phone and will lie him flat after a feed, then he vomits and is starving again so I hear him cry. If I do it he is calm and content and rarely cries, small possets. So I find it easier just to do it myself as I get so upset hearing them struggle. I went out for 2 hours this week in the evening - he had fed him 2 x 4-5 ounzes by the time I was back, patches of milk vomits everywhere and I came back to a screaming baby with a swollen tummy! I could have cried. I rubbed his tummy for an hour, all settled and back to sleep. No long term harm done but I feel I cannot trust him. Same when I ran an errand, he was messaged me the whole time - come back now he is hysterical. I managed to source some dummies from Boots and explained how to use them - he said he does not want the baby to have a dummy; but I explained it can be used for comfort in these situations before feeding him the equivalent of a Christmas dinner.

I say this with kindness OP, I’m not sure what you want? You want him to take turns with nights and weekends but at the same time you say you don’t trust him and prefer to just do it yourself?

He will learn, just like every parent learns, but only if he is given the time and space to.

Thank you for this

It is tough but every couple varies. I EBF and so I personally don’t see any point in my husband waking up in the night to help when he’s working because there’s nothing he can do. BUT he does help with other stuff like cleaning / cooking. Would your husband prefer to help in other areas so you could get a rest then? I mean it you’re worried about him being distracted when he bottle feeds? You could catch some sleep when the baby sleeps whilst he’s cooking you dinner?

@ I read somewhere that you never forget how you were treated around the time of childbirth and postpartum. That was certainly true in my case. I was never able to let go of the resentment, secretly vowed to get my ducks in a row, and checked out when the time was right (for me!)

I feel like this in all honesty - I cannot leave now but I think the writings on the wall

Probably a controversial reply here but I think the mums are on maternity leave for a reason. They can sleep through the day with the baby if need be but the dad cant sleep when at work. So mums do night feeds. Also they may be breastfeeding which the dad obviously cant do.
But then on a weekend if not at work then the dad needs to take his turn too.

he was messaged me the whole time - come back now he is hysterical
Completely unacceptable. I’m not surprised you are worried. I would be too.

God I’ m livid for you, your H is a prick!! You need to talk to him and lay down the boundaries a 30 min run I could live with, but not a whole day of the things he wants to do - at significant emotional cost to you. He is a Dad now, to a baby presumably he wanted too!

I am not sure I could get past this incompetence and selfishness and it’s sad you quite rightly don’t think you could have another child with him. Longer term you really need to think about what you want and leave this idiot behind.

When I was on mat leave and DH was working, we did what others have said, he looked after baby until the 11-12 feed and then I took over - I went to bed at 8-9 so I could have interrupted sleep. Take care and please don’t think you have to put up with his bullshit.

I did 100% of feeds as breastfeeding, my my (now ex) h did look after
my babies later in the evening after the mid evening feeds so i could sleep and certainly no golf or sports for the first 3 months or so. I don’t think modern men get it these days based on what I read, we had zero paternity leave and much shorter maternity leave yet managed better it seems from Mumsnet

I agree with this to an extent but my lividness extends to this morning when he is not working today - had a lie in until 9am, went to parkrun - he did not even come and see me and DS - can back and now he has just left for golf 20 minutes ago - he will be back at 5/6

You are not unreasonable to expect him to do more so you can get some rest. What this looks like may vary. I don't know how often you are bottle feeding as I breast fed so my H couldn't really help. However, he would do bathtime in the evening to give me a break and would take DS in the morning after his first feed so I could have a lie in.

My H worked nights and this worked really well for us. I used to go to bed with DS when H went to work around 9pm and then he would wake every couple of hours especially in those early months. I found co-sleeping a huge help but that only really works the same if you are breastfeeding.

Could you go to bed early after an early evening feed say 8pm and your DH do the late one around midnight before he goes to bed? Then you do the night ones? Or could he do the first one before he goes to work so you can have a lie in? He could definitely do the first feed on a weekend.

I would be ok with him going running OR golfing but not both and would him to do the first feed and then take baby out for a walk or something if you need to catch up on sleep or for to do something together if you fancy it.

You have to work out what works for your family, and I don't necessarily think he needs to be the one getting up during the night but he should be pulling his weight and he isn't.

No it's not ok. Neither are the endless hobbies. You are parents now, don't fall into the trap!

I e never shared night feeds did them all myself ex would take the babies in the morning while I napped not ideal just sharing

getting a nany will just make him more inclined not to do anything