AIBU to expect my husband to share night feeds and weekends?

[Lisbonismycity]

Is it unreasonable to expect me to do all the nightfeeds? Have woken up livid this morning.

Originally it was planned both of us share the same, smaller and warmer room with our DS. He is 4 weeks old. Husband had fed him a couple of times overnight and will feed him once in the evening (10-12pm when try to sleep) - he has overfed him a couple of times and will be watching TV, casually having a glass of wine or using his phone when they are together, so I barely sleep with worry leaving him but I do need a break. I tried breast feeding but moved to bottle - baby gaining weight and happy. Husband went back to work couple of weeks ago and I agreed it was sensible for him to use the spare bedroom to sleep when he is working the next day to not get woken up so he can work.

He is not working this weekend and retired to the spare bedroom at 11/12pm after DS last feed - he is still in bed now and planning go to running this morning and golfing all afternoon. I have been up with baby since 5 after a feed at 2. Slept 3-4 hours each night since he was born.

It is really wearing thin.
I have managed to seek out a baby sitter / child minder to help. He said ‘we dont need a baby sitter to help’, but I ignored and have booked her starting end of May, even if she comes to the house so I can to the bedroom for a proper rest without worrying a couple of times a week. I live far away from family, they are three hours away so have no support. The baby sitter who visited on Wednesday said I was doing a great job as I looks like I am doing it all alone.

AIBU?

Sorry OP, but you appear to have had a baby with a bit of a dick. You need a proper chat. At 4 weeks, spending the whole day golfing is ridiculous when you've been alone with the baby all week and doing all the nights.
I'd suggest the following;

• a proper chat to explain a baby is a shared responsibility
• ask him what relationship he wants with his child and how he sees family life, what dad does he want to be - some dads genuinely think a once a week family roast dinner (cooked by wife) is enough, and that kids are a mothers responsibility. This will tell you what life he has in his head and if it matches yours.
• if he wants a proper shared relationship with his kids it starts now. Bonding is from the word go. He should set aside Dad time for his baby, for just them, right now it will be a pram walk or a tv and cuddle but at 5 years old it'll be swimming, football, museum trips etc. He needs to be in the practice of having the baby alone now. During this time you should sleep, rest, do things for you. My dh had Saturday mornings, from baby wake at 5am till 12 lunchtime, at the start he'd walk round the park with a coffee, by 12 months they'd swim etc. He does this with our 10 ans 7 yr old now (amongst other stuff).
• next - what partner does he want to be, because you are struggling and he is golfing, is that the partner he wants to be?
• nights need an agreed process so everyone is clear who gets up. During weekends it's 50/50 , during the week it's up to you guys what feels fair
• you need to not micro manage him, he will do it wrong (so will you sometimes) give him some grace and allow him to mess up so long as he fixes the mess. If he doesn't take spare clothes out and has to deal with a poo blow put- he deals with it. Guess what, he will remember next time.

If when you have the chat and you ask him what fanily life and fatherhood looks like to him, be prepared to be disappointed. You can't force him to want to be an equal partner, you can only control your own behaviour after you hear his perspective. Personally if he says he isn't interested in being a proper dad and partner then I'd plan to leave. Only you know what you will put up with and whether leaving is an option. Think about how you imagine family life and motherhood- you guys need to align to both be happy, if you don't align you'll be resentful and he will be confused why you're annoyed all the time. You need a shared vision and life goals.

No. It's a reassuring mantra.

Back in ye olde days, bottle teats automatically let out milk. Current ones which are variflow, allow the baby to control and stop the flow of milk which means they can manage the flow. Both breast and bottle fed babies tend to fall asleep when they are full, no difference there.

I wasn't disputing that cluster feeding isn't overfeeding. I was saying that misconceptions about that have partially lead to this mantra because some people do get concerned about the frequency of feeds, and they don't need to! Its a reassuring mantra designed to calm new mums, and for most babies it's correct, but it's not an absolute. These things never are. Babies that are uncomfortable might take in too much, for example.

We will have to agree to disagree.

Because my bottlefed baby overfed.

I've worked in breast feeding support for nearly 17 years. In my experience, lots of babies overfeed.

OP, you will never forget nor forgive that he has turned out to be a selfish loser.

1. Tell family and friends the truth.
2. Feel under no obligation to ever have sex with him again.
3. Start planning your escape quietly but firmly, evdn if you have to wait a while.
4. Stock up on supermarket cards that you can accumulate for when you leave.

Keep them somewhere safe.

1. Spend as much family money on babysitters so you get to rest.

He's a shit husband and father and you need to protect yourself and your health.

Reach out to family and let them know the truth.
He's a dusgrace.

My breastfed babies didnt overfeed. All im saying is its most likely bottlefed

I EBF so I did night feeds 7 nights a week. For this reason, my husband did 7 early mornings a week. For a year. There was no weekend sharing here. He got up with her at 5-6am every morning until her next feed at 8-9am (left for work at 830am midweek).
He also did every nappy change when he was home and cooked most meals.
I’m sharing this so that you can understand that men really can and should do their ‘fair share’ (even if bottles aren’t used).
Your H is a shockingly neglectful husband.

Neither my bottle fed baby not my breastfed baby overfed.

Lon, I'm not denying it's possible, and that it happens with bottle fed babies. Just that it can and does sometimes happen with breast fed babies too, just less often.

It doesn't help that formula companies have ridiculous quantities listed on their boxes, presuming large 3/4 hourly feeds, when many babies prefer little and often.

The issue here is that the baby's dad isn't being responsive to baby. He's not following baby's full cues, and this is a baby who carries on eating, rather than one who moderates.

Oh OP. if you don't eat enough & stay hydrated you won't produce enough milk and you'll make yourself ill. Your DH should be cooking you nutritious meals etc when he is home. He has to feed himself after all doesn't he?

How is that relevant to a bottle fed baby?

ahh I must have missed the bottle fed part. It's still very important a mother 4 weeks post partum eats well to recover from the birth and have enough energy to cope with the demands of a newborn.