AIBU to be annoyed the breakfast bowls were still in the table 24hrs later?

[Tigerswift]

I work 11hrs on a Thursday and Friday- I work full time.

My partner and father of our kids works 2 days a week and is carer for our eldest- who cannot be home alone due to anxiety but doesnt need hands on physical care.

I came home last night and the breakfast things were still on the table. Context was I suggested he make a lasagne for a friend who has come out of hospital.

We have just had a terrible row in which he told me I was being unreasonable that I was upset they were still there this morning.

Am I being unreasonable?

I don't think dishes on the table after 24 hours is great, but I'm also with the multitude of posters on here who are in a family where everyone takes their own stuff to the kitchen/dishwasher (and has done since age about 5).

however, I think there is a slightly missed point. This feels a bit like the meme where a husband comes home after his wife has looked after the children all day, done the hoovering, done several loads of washing, changed the beds, run a few errands, <insert other tasks of choice> and he says something along the lines of "why are the children's shoes lying in the middle of the hall?"

The point is that the focus is on the thing that hasn't been done, not on all the things that have been. DH has done things during the day, and obviously moving the breakfast dishes wasn't his priority. He may not have realised it was a priority for OP based on their family habit of just leaving them there after meals with no clear responsibility for clearing them. He's even made lasagne which, whilst not being an all day job, is a fiddly time consuming job that does take a bit of time (my family love lasagne, but know not to request it unless I'm off work).

I think I definitely would have cleared them up as your DH but to me I wouldn't be able to make a lasagne before things were tied up, perhaps I have weird logic though.

Everyone would instinctly take their bowl back to the sink in my house but they wouldn't necessarily put them in the dishwasher as probably would be full but then again DH and I both work every day and leave at similar times.

None of this changes what I've said so I'm not sure what your point is.

Interested to know what he done with the utensils he used to make the lasagne since the table has dishes on it and he hadn't emptied the dishwasher.

'He even made a lasagne', yay another pat on the head for men doing basic things.

Part time husband should clean up everything or else he’s lazy

part time wife shouldn’t be left to clean up everything or else the husband is lazy

It was just a continuation of the discussion. That’s what discussion forums are for.
I’m now wondering if DH has low expectations of women because I don’t pick up his dirty plates!

I don't think we have any idea about the configuration of OP's house, do we?
In my house the table is not in the kitchen (there is no room for a table) or even visible from the kitchen.
If I'd been making a lasagne, I would have been making it in the kitchen.

I would have emptied the dishwasher to put the lasagne utensils in. I would not have thought about dishes on the table because they were not in my eyeline and I would have probably forgotten they were there.

The more interesting point is why the breakfast dishes were on the table but not the dishes for any other meal. Did no one eat anything else during that time? Does the table only get used for breakfast (even more reason why he may simply have forgotten about them)?

I feel like asking him to make lasagne which he wouldn't normally do could reasonably disrupt his normal day. If my husband messaged to ask me to make a lasagne while I was home with kids I'd be incredulous if I did it then he queried why some housework got left.

I think you should clear your own plate. I would be a bit cross if my partner suggested I made a lasagna for someone. If he approached it by saying 'should we do something to help out so and so?' and then I asked him for suggestions then that would be ok though.

Fucking hell these responses are insane 😂

It's a fucking lasagne, not the Hoover Dam.

Historians in the future will be amazed when they come across the first known text recording the disruptive properties of lasagne.

I just can't get over making a lasagne but having dirty dishes everywhere

It wouldn't bother me tbh , I work long hours and come home to pots in the sink , pick your battles l, I dont stress over it and yes they're old enough to do it but not end of the world

Just because you're happy to be taken advantage of, doesn't mean everyone else has to settle for it.

Yuck. No-one in the household should have allowed that to happen. Clearing the table is something done immediately, reflexively, it takes no thought or commitment it just happens.

It’s not a ‘task’ should think about, delay or write on a list, it’s a habit.

So you had breakfast and went to work. What happened when you got back and for the next 12 hours - to mean they were there for 24 hours. Surely when you are both home, it's all hands on deck not your DH has to do all the domestic chores as he only works part time? I imagine this might have gone differently if the roles were reversed. You would have people saying the mum was parenting during the day (and making lasagne for a friend and whatever else) and that they are not a skivy who is expected to clean up after their DH.

OP you are supposed to be a team. Maybe all get into the habit of moving pots to the kitchen and either putting them in the dishwasher or putting them by the dishwasher if it is already on or needs emptying. Your kids can get involved in this. I have taught my DS to take his pots into the kitchen after eating (although getting him to put them in the dishwasher is still a work in progress). I struggle with a good dishwasher routine myself. If he forgets, I shout him back to do it. That's how it becomes a habit.

This is a very wise & accurate perspective: it's not just the breakfast dishes being left for 24 hours. I don't suppose this is the first time that @Tigerswift 's DH has turned on the OP to accuse her, when it's his laziness. I don't suppose it's the first time he's been lazy, either.

And I'm honestly a bit aghast at some of the posts saying "Oh, well he had to cook a lasagne" as if it's an excuse for him not doing anything about dirty dishes for 24 hours. Honestly, how long do some of you take to cook a lasagne? And oh, the cruelty of the OP to "make" him cook a lasagne for a friend. Sheesh!

I work at least a 10 hour day, and have no domestic help - I can make an lasagne from scratch (almost - I do buy pasta, rather than make my own) while I'm making my breakfast. 20 minutes tops - only as long as it takes to cook the meat or tomato sauce, and the béchamel sauce. FFS it doesn't take all day.

Your DH is a lazy arse @Tigerswift and he's done a classic DARVO on you - when he knows (deep down) he's wrong, he turns around your criticism and blames you.

YANBU.

I couldn't get worked up about this. He's been busy in the kitchen and probably forgot the bowls were there.

Leaving your own breakfast bowl on the table, "suggesting" he cooks for a friend in hospital and leaving for work makes it sound like you expect him to be a housemaid running around after everyone when he works (albeit part-time) and is primary carer for a disabled child.

In my world she should have put it away herself! No one should have walked away and left plates on the table!

Where did I say the children aren’t capable?

It really doesn’t matter, if my DH left a bowl on the table because he was getting ready for an 11 hour shift, I wouldn’t think that’s shitty behaviour at all, I’d just pick the bowls up if I was at home all day and sort them, I’d also ask the kids to out their bowls in the sink/dishwasher. The partner left their pots also on the table so yes I agree that was lazy

I ain't even answering this. The elder can't help and neither will step in and say anything. I guess I am lucky to be part of a team where one doesn't feel more superior because they work. The one sitting there doing nothing would have been both our targets not eachother.

That's the problem divided they fall together they are strong they both need to challenge the eldest. Op has already proved that DH should have done the cleaning and the cooking while their eldest sits on their backside. What a life.

Was he off work, or were they the 2 days a week he works?

By you referring to a kid not being able to be home alone due to anxiety I'm assuming your kids are old enough to empty the dishwasher and put their bowls in it? I'd also expect you as an adult to empty your bowl and put it in the sink at least rather than just leaving dirty crockery on the table.

Did he want to make the lasagne? Is the bowls thing his way of making a point?