AIBU to be annoyed the breakfast bowls were still in the table 24hrs later?

[Tigerswift]

I work 11hrs on a Thursday and Friday- I work full time.

My partner and father of our kids works 2 days a week and is carer for our eldest- who cannot be home alone due to anxiety but doesnt need hands on physical care.

I came home last night and the breakfast things were still on the table. Context was I suggested he make a lasagne for a friend who has come out of hospital.

We have just had a terrible row in which he told me I was being unreasonable that I was upset they were still there this morning.

Am I being unreasonable?

The dishwasher needed emptying and I leave early and have made myself late emptying dusgwasher and clearing before work. But I do take your point

I’d be annoyed if anyone in my house left their breakfast things on the table after breakfast, whether that’s my husband or the children. Despite working far fewer hours than my husband (I am also a carer to a disabled child), I’d feel like it was pretty disrespectful of him to leave his things there with the expectation that I’d clear them up. I’m not a skivvy.

I genuinely never assumed any of the dishes would be the OPs. As you said who gets up from the table and just leaves their stuff for someone else to clear away.

I'm really surprised adults behave like that.

So take it to the sink to rinse off and leave on the side. I’d find just getting up and walking off really rude.

I don't think it's worth a big argument, but I would expect that if someone was home all day they would have been cleaned up. If you also left yours though, is it a regular occurrence that everyone just leaves things in your house, and it's not that they are leaving them for you as such, but just a general habit of leaving things and not being fussed if it's not tidied up?

I can’t stand anyone who just gets up and leaves their stuff for someone else to clean, and I nag everyone in my house fucking CONSTANTLY about it.

if he was making a random lasagne for a friend at your suggestion, then you could have done the bowls.

Its so hard to read tone here isnt it?. And I am genuinely finding the different perspectives helpful. Such instant feedback. My first post so thank you. Really appreciate people taking time and energy.

I agree. Even if the dishwasher is full, everyone in our house rinses their bowls/plates and puts them next to the sink. If everyone left theirs on the table expecting me to clear up after them I’d probably leave them there for 24 hours to make a point!

You should put your bowl next to the sink
(but not empty the DW if it makes you late). However, your DP not tidying his own or the kids’ things because of the lasagne is bollocks. He can do that whilst the meat is browning or the kettle boiling for stock or whatever.

I can't believe anyone you included over the age of 5 would just leave a bowl/ cup/plate on the table. Your dh is probably sick of being everyone's maid.

I just wanted to thank you all for your perspectives. I appreciate you taking the time.

If it’s what you’ve always done it will seem normal to you but everyone walking away from the table and leaving their bowls there I find unusual and rude. It’s not a restaurant you are leaving.
i would just make a new rule that from now on you all put your bowls in the dishwasher or in the sink.
and yes dh is lazy not clearing the table.

All household members are responsible for moving their own plates from the table! And unless they are younger than 2 no one is too young! I work with 3 year olds and at lunchtime they take their own plates to the bin, empty the leftovers then put the plate in one box and the cutlery in the other! Even the SEND children, though they need a bit more adult support. There is absolutely no reason older children/ adults should not do the same!

You’re definitely not unreasonable. DH and I both work full time so generally share kitchen/dishwasher duties but on a day I’m working longer hours away from home,
DH will just automatically do it all and if he’s out all day I do it.

If you’re mostly the one out working long hours and basic domestic tasks aren’t getting done then I think you need some rules agreements in place.

I would start with everyone puts their own breakfast things in the dishwasher. Then whoever is home all day cleans and resets the kitchen for the evening.

If it’s all too much in the morning your DH can always run the dishwasher and unload it before bed unless you’re trying to save money running it overnight.

Could your child who has anxiety start doing some household chores? They might help their anxiety by giving them some responsibility, routine and purpose within the house.

I’d be annoyed too op. Clearly it sends a message that the expectation is that you would clear them

The very short sentences read like you are being snappy. That's where the PP's misunderstanding comes from.

@Tigerswift So I'm your partner in this case: husband works ft mo-fri, 2-3 days wfh, 2-3 days travelling. I'm not working even though my kids are teens due to ds1s needs- like yours very anxious. Dh always leaves his bowl out at the table. When he's working (out or wfh) I really don't mind getting it. But when he's off like week-ends I find it very disrespectful of him to leave it there and I don't let him get away with it. He's the first one to tell the kids to clear their plates and make their beds so it's quite paradoxal that I have to tell him about these things.

So - you are def not being unreasonable! Especially since you work so long hours. Dh could clear his plate while wfh but since it's a partnership and I have got more free time than him I happily do it.

This. Including the one with anxiety.

Surely he went to the place the dishwasher is located to make the lasagne, so could've taken the dishes on his way.

So many dysfunctional folks about making each other miserable ☹️.

At the very least, teach the children to stack their dishes on the bench if the dishwasher is full or put their dishes straight into the dishwasher if it's empty.

The only way that one partner supporting the other financially works is when there is a match as to the level of domestics the supported partner does, and the level the supporting partner wants. There isn't any point strangers chipping in as to whether he's lazy or you're demanding, as they will be coming at in from their perspective and standards, which are irrelevant to your situation.
I think you need to sit down with him and have a conversation about what's fair to you both, how you both want your home to be run, who does what, and if this way of life is working, and what are the alternatives if it isn't. Because if you don't get a balance the resentment is going to be poison.

Yes, he should have tidied away dishes. 22hrs per week is not working ft, though 😂

He was at home, he should have done them. The argument about whose things they were doesn't really hold water in a family, does it? OP was off to work to make money for the family, or should that be only for herself since everyone should be so self sufficient?

Is he generally someone that does things in his own time or do you think there might have been an element of irritation and/or resentment at being told to make a lasagne for someone else? To be honest, that might also piss me off. It's a time consuming and messy meal to make. I might feel like someone was taking my time for granted or dictating how my time should be spent.

Is it worth a terrible row?
I don't think so.

Lasagne may take a long time to be ready but it’s not constant cooking. While it was cooking there was definitely time to empty and restack the dishwasher, wash up the stuff used to make the sauces, and generally make the space clean and tidy. Suggesting that because your bowl was also on the table, he was reasonable not to clear it, is frankly ridiculous.