AIBU to be annoyed the breakfast bowls were still in the table 24hrs later?

[Tigerswift]

I work 11hrs on a Thursday and Friday- I work full time.

My partner and father of our kids works 2 days a week and is carer for our eldest- who cannot be home alone due to anxiety but doesnt need hands on physical care.

I came home last night and the breakfast things were still on the table. Context was I suggested he make a lasagne for a friend who has come out of hospital.

We have just had a terrible row in which he told me I was being unreasonable that I was upset they were still there this morning.

Am I being unreasonable?

This entirely. My toddler takes her plates and bowls to the counter next to the sink. If older children aren't doing it then the parents have made their own bed.

This post and the responses are AI.

He was making lasagne, that doesn't take all day. Surely at some point he'd want to use the table. Personally it would of been the first thing I did.
He sounds disorganised/and or lazy to me.

Sounds like it’s time for a reset of the rules.

No one gets up and walks away, as a minimum they carry their crockery etc to the sink if the dishwasher needs emptying or it goes straight in the dishwasher if it’s empty. I couldn’t fathom anyone in this house just walking away. Anything left on the table needs putting back in its place too.

There’s a minimum of jobs that need doing everyday, emptying and restacking the dishwasher being one. If he’s at home he should be doing it!

Why couldn't your eldest help out you said they don't need physical care.

YANBU

His ‘job’ as a SAHP is to cook and clean etc.
What else is he doing whilst you do an 11jour shift.

Before he started making the lasagne, he should have tidied away the dishes.

You say you suggested he make a lasagne - did this have anything to do with it?
Was it an act of defiance type thing.

My children chips in and help with cleaning it's a good life skill to teach to young people.

Yes of course but OP was working an 11 hour shift and her DH had all day free.

So DH should have been the one to make sure the DCs were tidying their things away.

The onus is still on him, whether he did it himself or made the DCs do it.

He’s not a SAHP, he works part time.
I don’t see my job, as a part time worker, to be to pick up after everyone in my house. I’m not a skivvy or a housemaid. If they got up after breakfast and left their plates/bowls/cups on the table with the expectation that I’d clear them away, I’d call them back to deal with them themselves.
ETA not that my husband or children would do that. They will either put their stuff in the dishwasher or, if it’s full, rinse them and leave them by the sink. I don’t have to ask, they just do it.

Who should have moved the OP’s dirty dishes from the table?

I’d call them back to deal with them themselves.

Why would this be on OP to do?
She was working an 11 hour shift, whilst her DH was sat at home doing nothing all day.

The least he could do was make sure the breakfast stuff was put away.

It’s the bare minimum of someone who only works PT.

Everyone clears their own plates here. No argument then.

OP should have moved her own dish but I personally would have told my DH to leave it and I’ll sort it once he’s gone, knowing that I had nothing else to do all day.

I didn’t say it was on the OP to do? I said that’s what I would do, as the part time worker. Not that it would ever happen though, my husband and children wouldn’t leave their dirty plates on the table for me to tidy up. Basic respect.

He might not even have been in the room at the time? He may have walked in and found everyone’s plates on the table, with the expectation that he’d clear it all up.

If clearing it up is something he usually does and this is a one off or rare failure to stick to what's generally his chore then I'd try not to remark on it at all.

Ok so you agree with me that as the PT worker, it is god responsibility to do the cooking and cleaning etc and if he wants the DCs involved, then it’s on him to get them involved.

Ok so why not clean his own stuff up at least?

There is no excuse for someone who is sat at home all day doing nothing, to not clean up the breakfast things.

These things are not linear. If your toddler grows up to be a teen too anxious to go to school with self harm cuts all the way down their arms (random examples, I'm not saying OP's does,) then all the routine & practice you built in goes out of the window. You don't make cereal bowls, or emptying the dishwasher, the hill you die on.

OP we have a similar set up to you, and leaving washing up is a no fault issue here. As PP said this is not about cereal bowls. I think you were already cross with each other.

I think you should have put your bowl in the sink. Start to mirror the behaviour you want. If your eldest is at home, doing nothing, it isn't doing them any good. Time for a sit down meeting between you all, but speak to your DH first. It would have done your eldest the world of good to be helping cook etc, it's an achievement. If they can't function, they need medication to get to a point of functioning. Then, while you (and your DH) are out at work, they play their part in running the house. If everyone picks up after themselves, declutter etc, it doesn't take a lot.

Yes, I agree he should tidy away his own things.

No, bowls generally shouldn't still be on the table 24 hours later.

It's insane to me that it's still falling on the woman in this scenario who is working outside the home more and working long hours to teach the man how to tidy the fuck up.

I would be a bit annoyed but I would pick my battles unless this is a recurring thing. I feel like maybe it is recurring because the DH has used making a lasagne as a reason for not clearing up breakfast things, while I think the clear up would usually come either during the prep or the clean up from the lasagne. If I worked for 11 hours a day I would be annoyed if the SAHP left basic daily chores for me to do

How old are your children, OP?