AIBU to be annoyed the breakfast bowls were still in the table 24hrs later?

[Tigerswift]

I work 11hrs on a Thursday and Friday- I work full time.

My partner and father of our kids works 2 days a week and is carer for our eldest- who cannot be home alone due to anxiety but doesnt need hands on physical care.

I came home last night and the breakfast things were still on the table. Context was I suggested he make a lasagne for a friend who has come out of hospital.

We have just had a terrible row in which he told me I was being unreasonable that I was upset they were still there this morning.

Am I being unreasonable?

This exactly what I’m getting from this thread!

Also how she should be teaching the DCs to do the same.

He is literally sat at home all day doing nothing, whilst she’s doing an 11 hour shift!!

Yet somehow she’s to blame for him not even tidying his own things away.

Yes, I never said otherwise? My point was that it disrespectful for anyone to leave their dirty dishes on a table with the expectation that someone else would clean them up.
And actually, despite working more hours than me, my husband absolutely would call the children back to clear their own dirty dishes away, and has plenty of input into teaching them to help out at home, because he believes those things to be important. He wouldn’t let them leave their stuff for me to clean up, just as he wouldn’t leave his own stuff for me to clean up. As I said, basic respect.

No it wouldn’t. My husband works 13 hour days and on the days he’s working I don’t expect him to worry about tidying. He’s either rushing to work or coming home exhausted from a very physical job. My only focus for him on those days is making sure he’s fed before he’s left because he’s doing all of this for us.

OPs husband should have cleared them away and sounds like he should be doing a hell of a lot more

on the days my husband doesn’t work he makes sure I’m looked after too

I didn’t say she should be responsible for teaching them. Both adults in the house should be responsible for teaching their children to have respect for others, and to grow up to be functional human beings.

I can't believe what I'm reading here. Have I missed something? Op's partner works 2 days a week. This was a day when they were at home, while Op was working a 11 hour day. His only 'job' was to be there in the house to keep their child company. The lazy sod couldn't even be bothered to clear up after breakfast and his excuse is that he had to make a lasagne. Regardless of whether they are male or female, I'd expect the person who is at home all day... not working... to clear up after breakfast and do a bit of housework.
Op - if he can't be bothered to keep the house tidy in the 5 days each week when he's at home, maybe it's time for him to go back to full time work and you do some caring.

I am not disputing what the op should or shouldn't have done. Her eldest should have chipped in. I wouldn't be questioning my husband I would be questioning my eldest.

If this instance was one in a long line of him not 'pulling his weight' while you work 11 hour days then YANBU.

If it was a one off then YABU.

Sounds like you need to establish routines and responsibilities better between you so you are less likely to fall out over something that, in the grand scheme of life (breakfast bowls not being cleared away) is pretty trivial.

We're in the habit of removing everything to the sink, no matter what anyway, but if I'd been at work all day then DH would have moved anything left here and I don't think I've ever come back to breakfast/lunchtime things needing to be washed. Same for me, when he worked full-time and I just worked lunchtime, I'd clear everything away, do a couple of household tasks minimum.

DH might have frowned about cooking a meal for someone else, but I guess it depends who they are.

I'm assuming this is a pattern of behaviour or the tip of the iceberg because if it's a one off incident then you have vastly overreacted. Its such a small thing to be upset over.

Support her husband in encouraging their eldest to tidy away. My partner supports me and he's the main breadwinner. They should both be teaching this young person to show respect and to help others. Let's not forget he was cooking two meals that day a lasagne for a friend who came out of hospital and their own meal. I would be telling off the eldest for not helping not having a row with my other half.

MN has really opened my eyes to the different expectations people have in their households. Despite working fewer hours than my husband, I still expect him to take his own dirty dishes to the sink/dishwasher, and I expect the same from my children. I don’t think it would even occur to any of them not to do that, it would go entirely against their natures and how they’d been brought up. Equally I don’t pick dirty washing up off floors; if it’s not in the washing basket it doesn’t get washed. If my husband noticed our children leaving their dirty dishes on the table, he would tell them to move them, despite working more hours than me.
If I walked into the kitchen and they’d all gone off to work and school having left their dirty dishes for me to clean up I would be pretty shocked and I can’t imagine it ever happening, but if it did I would tidy them away so as not to have them festering on the table all day, but I’d be having words with them when they got home about respect and personal responsibility.

It's never just the dishes. Dishes are just something tangible. It's about being not appreciated and perception of fairness. Reading OP posts, resentment is building quickly and that will kill your relationship eventually. Need to have some very clear responsibilities and expectations for all members of the family that need to be met.
OP you're on an end of relationship path if you are posting about dishes on a public forum. Time for a very serious conversation when you have some space and everyone is calm.

You’re entirely NOT unreasonable, @Tigerswift

Your DH is. It doesn’t take a whole day to make a lasagne. He is a bit of a dick to throw it all back at you.

Is this a regular thing though? You doing the bulk of the paid work PLUS being expected to do the bulk of the running the home work as well?

What does your DH do on the 3 days he’s not working? Sounds like very little.

Marriages break up over these apparently trivial things I suggest you discuss this with him. He needs to lift his game, frankly.

Good luck

I see both sides to this.

If a man left his breakfast stuff on the table for his wife to deal with, he'd be handed his arse to him for treating her as a skivvy.

But equally that doesn't mean it's okay for everyone's dishes to be left for 24 hours either.

This. I could not imagine just leaving my own bowl and walk away? Why?! And why don’t the children also do this, unless they are 1 year olds.

Unless the kids were very little, I would expect each person to clear their own bowl / plate / cup etc away as they finish eating and leave the table.

Exactly. It's really disrespectful to just leave your stuff dumped for someone else to deal with, no matter how many hours you work.

I can see how this looks like leaving mess for someone else to pick up after them.

That said -loading the dishwasher with stuff that's on the side or on the table-can't see much difference tbh.

Unless the table is far from the dishwasher!

I'd be more annoyed about being asked to make a lasagne.

Yeah, I'd find it annoying. Making a lasagne is a rubbish excuse.
If it was just one thing/one time I would probably just clear it up but I am guessing this isn't the first thing.

Most of the time I don't really know who clears the breakfast things. Kids mostly do theirs themselves but not every time. Me and my husband would just do it without really thinking about it, because it's so small. But no one would just leave them there all day if they were in the house.

Unless there is a back story where he is lazy all the time then I think you are overthinking this.
Lots of replies on here saying everyone should put their own dishes away but if it’s already on etc then that’s not happening. Also, if I had a pound for every time I uttered the words ‘you’ve walked past the dishwasher to put your dish on the bloody side’ - I would be able to afford a second dishwasher 😁No one is particularly wrong here. It was a bad day. Move on and have a better day today.

'Model the behaviour', what the fuck, just no. I mean there's no reason she can't put her own plate by the sink or dishwasher but it's absolutely shouldn't be in the context of training a grown man.

Every day on here it becomes clear why the bar is so low for men.

So she’s got to come home from an 11 hour shift and then go and question the son why he didn’t clear away his breakfast stuff, even though DH had been home all day and he’s the one meant to be looking after him.

So basically DH spends 11 hours not cleaning and not parenting either.

I also think it doesn't matter whether the bowls were on the table or by sink in this case because he hadn't emptied the dishwasher either anyway.

On the contrary, I have very high expectations of the men in my life. Which is why I wouldn’t expect my husband to leave his dirty dishes on the table for me to clear away, despite him working more hours than me. I also expect him to have a hand in teaching our children to do the same.

She's just done an 11 hour shift, she shouldn't need to questioning anyone. Presumably the other parent also has the ability to parent but here we are, he doesn't need to clean up his own stuff or parent his own child.