To not want to talk to my neighbours?

[Oncemorewithsome]

Until very recently we lived in a city. Where we have come from, neighbours generally don’t speak to each other. On the rare occasion someone has stuck around for a while, we might give a polite nod to each other or an ‘alright. In my area this is all very normal and not considered rude.

We just moved to a town. The new neighbours stopped to talk for about 20minutes. I am now feeling very claustrophobic about the whole idea of living with imposed socialising whenever you put the bins out. I really have no desire to chat to my neighbours unless there is some issue.

I know, I know I’m a grumpy old so and so…. But it’s honestly made me feel a bit worried. Do people talk to random people all the time in towns? What if you’re feeling rubbish and just want to get a job done are you obliged to stop and chat when you see people you know? The rules all seem different!

FFS - once more…

You move into a new home generally because you like it. It might be near work, school, family or none of the above.

The last thing most people consider is the type of neighbours they are likely to live near.

How are you supposed to know what the neighbours are like until you have moved in?

How are you supposed to know whether they are the ‘smile and wave’ type, the ‘don’t really speak to anyone’ type or the ‘need to know everyone’s business so they can spread it round the neighbourhood in order to look interesting’ type?

And, if they are the gregarious type, are you saying people should either join in or move out? How pathetic. Not wanting to be involved in it the minutiae of the lives of those who happen to live nearby does not make anyone ‘snooty’ (seriously, are you 10?) or antisocial.

Perhaps the Stepford-style areas could have a sign up to indicate that people are only welcome if they join in with everything.

It’s interesting that people who insists on talking to the new neighbours don’t have sufficient social skills to pick up on someone being uncomfortable or bored or busy.

I think it’s fair to smile and say hello if you recognise a neighbour but surely anything more than that only happens if both people are amenable to it,

I have great neighbours on either side and if we bump into each other we’ll chat, and do favours for each other. But I do generally keep myself to myself and I’m not going to be popping over for drinks or anything. We all understand each other’s boundaries and despite being a solitary person by nature, it’s nice to know that neighbours are looking out for me and vice versa.

Surely it’s much sadder that they had no actual family or friends to miss them? I would never want to rely on neighbours to check up on me.

It’s just people chatting ?

It’s like everything else - if everyone is happy to do it then great. But not everyone wants to do it

I would hate that. I really feel for you. You’re not there to entertain strangers. I’d just nod and keep moving.

Makes no difference, city, town, village. Some people are more chatty than others. Some like the community feel others don’t. Nothing to do with the type of place you live in.

We have a lady in our road who we have nicknamed Brian May- looks a lot like him( sorry BM) and round the road is a lady we call Charlie Drake for the same reason. Keeps us amused.

OP, this makes me really sad.

I live in a small village where yes, most of us talk to one another (or at least acknowledge in passing) - it's called a community. We live very near a small market town where again, people who know one another stop in the street and have a chat. It is bloody lovely! I can see the benefits in living in a city but this is something I'd miss horribly. Yes, it can mean you pop out to get a couple of things done but it takes 50 minutes because you bumped into 3 casual friends/acquaintances, but honestly, it's a joy. Connecting with other people who care, or at least care enough to pass the time of day with you for a few minutes. It's not just people you know either - people in shops, market stalls, bus drivers, passers by - there's just a friendly culture round here. And on country walks, it is the LAW to nod and smile, or say 'hello' to anyone you pass on the path. Sorry.

I can imagine that if you're not used to it, it's just really weird, but I used to live in two cities (one of them a capital) and adapted to life in this part of southern England very happily.

There's a genuine problem with loneliness in the UK. Maybe saying 'hello' to a neighbour while putting the bins out won't cure it but living in a small community where there's this sort of casual connectivity really helps. It makes older people feel less invisible and solo people feel part of a larger community.

Ive lived in my house for 14 years and dont know my neighbours name (directly next door-semi detached with us) we call him 'army trouser guy' because he lives in army print cargos. I know 2 neighbours names opposite-one because my puppy years ago went into their house through the open door and the other because he gave my daughter a bike when he was clearing out his shed. The 2 I know the names of I tend to wave at or say hello but thats it. Army trouser guy we have the rarest exchange of words about once in a blue moon. He once let my friend park on his drive when we had a party. None of my street are 'unfriendly' we just live in the SE. Its not common here. Personally I would hate a 20 minute conversation for no reason except because I had just moved in and it would also make me anxious about future conversations because I like to keep myself to myself. I enjoy privacy at home, its a sanctuary from the world. In all honesty I wouldnt have stood there 20 minutes in the first place, I would have cut it off quicker. I think from now on just start as you mean to go on. Short and sweet and head down. They can like it or lump it, you arent obliged to be a chatty neighbour. People think this means miserable/unfriendly but its not really. Its like when you dont talk to people on the tube because you are all forced to be close together-so its rude to impose. They dont know that, they are just assuming you will enjoy the chatter, but you dont and thats ok!

Sounds hideous 🤣 Does nobody work or is ever in a hurry?

I remember it was a bit like that when I was a child if I was with my grandmother. Everyone stopped and chatted for ages, moved on and then saw someone else, rinse and repeat. I am glad the world has moved on that largely

We hate our neighbours, they're a PITA. We don't talk to them unless absolutely necessary.

You do not have to talk to anyone you don't want to, it's totally fine.

I’m not a big fan of neighbour chat. During lockdown I lived next door to to a middle aged man who kept himself to himself, but when the pandemic hit his 19 year old daughter moved home to live with him. I spent a lot of time outside sunbathing as the weather was so lovely, and she would constantly come into her garden and chat over the fence, I hated it as I just wanted to relax and read my book!

Now we live somewhere else, surrounded by old ladies. They’re lovely and we look out for them, but we have a baby and I’m often rushing out to a baby class or running late to get somewhere and they always see to materialise and want to coo over him. It’s sweet but I don’t have the time!

Pretty miserable I think to be that antisocial. I don't have long chats with neighbours and rarely see them even after forty years living here but I do think it's good to build relationships with people around you as that's a community. In our street, COVID actually accelerated that as we started a street WhatsApp which has been very useful and supportive.

My neighbours are exactly the same and we also live in the north.

The good side to this is we all or most of us look out for one another and will all happily take in a parcel, put recycling boxes in someones drive if its a windy day, will water my next door neighbours plants and keep an eye on the place if they are away, we all attended a neighbours husbands funeral etc etc. Obviously if someone is rushing it will be a quick hello and sorry I am rushing to work or rushing to an appointment but in the main yes we are pleasant and exchange pleasantries.

Its very sad you feel this way op but I am sure if you feel as bad as your opening post here suggests your neighbours will soon get the message about you and class you as ‘a funny buggar’, ‘miserable’ or a ‘snob’ etc etc.

You sound nice! 😂

I think if you read the comments on this thread, you'll see that your sort of misanthropy is largely at odds with normal human intercourse. Thank god.

Look, NOBODY is going to be 'forced' to make inane small talk for 20 mins every time they put the bins out! We're English, we have extremely finely tuned sensors for what is 'done'. Clearly the OP was meeting her new neighbours for possibly the first time and they were trying to suss her out and test the waters. They probably picked up on her general air of 'fuck off peasants' and won't bother another time.

I live in a small village. Some neighbours are chatty, others don't even look at you. There's a middle ground for me which is I'll always say hello or offer a wave, for immediate neighbours I'll take parcels in for you and put your bins out if you're away, but I definitely have no interest in constant long chats. I value my privacy. You can be neighbourly without being invested in lengthy conversations.

And that proves my point. Not wanting to chat to someone just because they live near you is legitimate. Yet it’s hilarious how rude people get when someone says they don’t want to 🤣

Yeh human interaction between neighbours is a terrible thing isn’t it !! Glad you’re not my neighbour. Hope they tell you to F Off if you ever need to ask a favour.

Why are people that claim to like others so vile to those who just want to get on with their lives? It’s actually hilarious that you are the ones claiming that we are the odd ones 🤣🤣🤣

I grew up in a city (NW) and knew my neighbours and we were in and out of each others houses. I live in a village now and always say hi to neighbours and chat to them.i live in the North West, so maybe it's a northern thing.
I do think you're being unreasonable, you don't have to have a long conversation with neighbours.

You sound lovely❤️ I’d love a neighbour like you! This will mean so much to those mothers and children.

Old ladies are awesome. I used to live near two lovely old ladies and they still buy Christmas and birthday presents for my daughter years after we moved and my ex takes them out to lunch once or twice a year.

Thank goodness you aren’t my neighbour! It’s so important to build a proper village around you.