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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to cuddle a man?

65 replies

R0XY · 01/05/2026 23:10

I have a close male friend. Sometimes he stays over at my place and we sleep in the same bed.
(I only have one bed)

Often I wake up and he is holding me/cuddled up to me. It’s comforting for us both.

Is this actually OK? I feel confused.

OP posts:
DreamyScroller · 01/05/2026 23:12

It's not "not okay" (unless you or him are married or in relationships, of course) but is a bit weird.

Is he gay?

TimeForTeaAndG · 01/05/2026 23:12

What's confusing? Does he have a partner so it feels like he is emotionally cheating with you?

Do you want more than cuddling?

If you are both ok with it and noone else is bothered then of course it's ok. Friends can cuddle platonically.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 01/05/2026 23:13

Have you asked him not to?

R0XY · 01/05/2026 23:20

DreamyScroller · 01/05/2026 23:12

It's not "not okay" (unless you or him are married or in relationships, of course) but is a bit weird.

Is he gay?

We are both currently single.
Neither of us are gay.

Can I ask though. Why would it not be ok if either of us had partners. Surely it’s either ok or not ok. This is why I’m confused.

OP posts:
DeskGnome · 01/05/2026 23:22

R0XY · 01/05/2026 23:20

We are both currently single.
Neither of us are gay.

Can I ask though. Why would it not be ok if either of us had partners. Surely it’s either ok or not ok. This is why I’m confused.

Oh turn it in with the ‘confusion’ lol.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 01/05/2026 23:25

R0XY · 01/05/2026 23:20

We are both currently single.
Neither of us are gay.

Can I ask though. Why would it not be ok if either of us had partners. Surely it’s either ok or not ok. This is why I’m confused.

I do not know why you are asking this.
It seems blindingly obvious to me, that if either of you had partners, you shouldn't be getting into bed with other people and cuddling them.

What are you confused about?
I'm confused, trying to work out what you're confused about.

LulaLulaByeBye · 01/05/2026 23:25

You are both single so it is OK to share a bed, cuddle him, kiss him, have sex with him, whatever.
If either of you were not , none of those things would be appropriate.

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 01/05/2026 23:27

R0XY · 01/05/2026 23:20

We are both currently single.
Neither of us are gay.

Can I ask though. Why would it not be ok if either of us had partners. Surely it’s either ok or not ok. This is why I’m confused.

Stop acting daft.

pizzaHeart · 01/05/2026 23:27

How old are you both?

Inthenameoflove · 01/05/2026 23:28

R0XY · 01/05/2026 23:20

We are both currently single.
Neither of us are gay.

Can I ask though. Why would it not be ok if either of us had partners. Surely it’s either ok or not ok. This is why I’m confused.

Unless you are openly in a polygamous relationship and so were he, then your respective partners would rightly be very unhappy and almost certainly consider it a form of cheating. Since you are single, it’s a bit odd but fine if you are both happy with it.

R0XY · 01/05/2026 23:31

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 01/05/2026 23:25

I do not know why you are asking this.
It seems blindingly obvious to me, that if either of you had partners, you shouldn't be getting into bed with other people and cuddling them.

What are you confused about?
I'm confused, trying to work out what you're confused about.

Our relationship is platonic. If my girl friend stayed over she sleeps in my bed. But we don’t cuddle and I would find it strange if we did !

Im confused because on one hand it’s a platonic thing but on the other hand it wouldn’t happen with a female friend.

Also if it’s OK to platonically cuddle in bed when you’re single then why is it not if you’re not single.

it makes me feel like it just shouldn’t be happening.

OP posts:
MrsShawnHatosy · 01/05/2026 23:32

As long as you are both single I don’t see the issue. Humans need contact.

TeenLifeMum · 01/05/2026 23:33

It would suggest to me he likes you. But overall, I wouldn’t share a bed with a man who wasn’t my husband as that would cross a line in our relationship.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 01/05/2026 23:33

It makes me feel like it just shouldn’t be happening

Okay, so don't let him stay overnight anymore.

Confusion over.

Holidaymodeon · 01/05/2026 23:36

R0XY · 01/05/2026 23:31

Our relationship is platonic. If my girl friend stayed over she sleeps in my bed. But we don’t cuddle and I would find it strange if we did !

Im confused because on one hand it’s a platonic thing but on the other hand it wouldn’t happen with a female friend.

Also if it’s OK to platonically cuddle in bed when you’re single then why is it not if you’re not single.

it makes me feel like it just shouldn’t be happening.

If you’re not comfortable with the cuddling then stop sharing your bed with him.
weird post unless you’re trying to say he’s overstepping your boundaries and you aren’t sure how to articulate it?

Gowlett · 01/05/2026 23:40

He’s been friend-zoned, but is hopeful.

Perfect28 · 01/05/2026 23:40

Do you like it or not? That's all that really matters here isn't it?

Why are you trying to add labels or wonder what other people think?

Also wondering how old you are because this sounds very naive.

Arregaithel · 01/05/2026 23:40

are you male @R0XY?

nothingcangowrongnow · 01/05/2026 23:50

One day this will turn into sex. He’s already hoping

R0XY · 01/05/2026 23:54

Perfect28 · 01/05/2026 23:40

Do you like it or not? That's all that really matters here isn't it?

Why are you trying to add labels or wonder what other people think?

Also wondering how old you are because this sounds very naive.

Yes it’s comforting to me. I mentioned it to a friend who has blown up about it. Saying it’s weird and needs to stop. She more or less compared it with incest.

I know it all sounds naïve. I’m not young (39) and I’ve had a traumatic couple of years. It makes me confused/sad that my other friend has turned the whole thing inside out.

I take on board the comments from people and I apologise if I sound like a complete tit.

OP posts:
R0XY · 01/05/2026 23:54

Arregaithel · 01/05/2026 23:40

are you male @R0XY?

No

OP posts:
R0XY · 01/05/2026 23:56

nothingcangowrongnow · 01/05/2026 23:50

One day this will turn into sex. He’s already hoping

its not going to turn into sex. I’m confident that neither of us want that to happen. I’ve known him a long time so if it was a sexual thing it would have happened already.

OP posts:
Arregaithel · Yesterday 00:06

I think you friend's reaction is the source of your confusion @R0XY

Both single, opposite sex, purely platonic and like to mutually snuggle, zero issue.

That you don't see that if your pal (the bedfellow) was a married man and a) slept in your bed and b) cuddled is a totally different dynamic, is in fact most confusing.

You're 39, what's confusing you?

edited for clarification

WrylyAmused · Yesterday 00:08

This will go against all the other Mumsnet responses, because this topic always does.

I'm poly. I'm mid 40s. I have a long term female partner and a long term male partner. I also share a bed platonically, on occasion, individually, and often when travelling, with a good proportion of both my male and female friends. Some of them, we cuddle. Some of them, we don't.

It's weird to the majority because we're brought up to think that physical closeness and comfort is something one should only do with a single, monogamous sexual partner. But that comes from old Judeo-Christian morality, and you can choose for yourself whether that's something you want to care about.

If you can get past the social conditioning, then platonically sharing a bed and cuddling is a pleasant but not particularly important activity which carries about as much weight as a childhood sleepover. Neither of my partners gives a shit about it, because they're secure and well adjusted. And cuddles are nice.

And, when I have, in the past and on occasion, been in a monogamous relationship, I have spoken about cuddling others to my partner at the time, and actually, they've all been fine with it, because I don't tend to date people who don't challenge conventional thinking, nor lack trust or are insecure, so it's also possible to find people who are monogamous and are also fine with cuddling others, although I'll agree it's probably rarer than in poly circles.

Edited to add, some of the people I cuddle with are in monogamous relationships. And it only happens if their partners are also fine with it. It's not nearly as uncommon as the responses here will make you think.

R0XY · Yesterday 00:09

Arregaithel · Yesterday 00:06

I think you friend's reaction is the source of your confusion @R0XY

Both single, opposite sex, purely platonic and like to mutually snuggle, zero issue.

That you don't see that if your pal (the bedfellow) was a married man and a) slept in your bed and b) cuddled is a totally different dynamic, is in fact most confusing.

You're 39, what's confusing you?

edited for clarification

Edited

Because if a relationship is platonic then why can’t you sleep in the same bed if either of you were in a relationship with someone else.

Obviously it’s because we are opposite sex because I have girlfriends who I’ve slept in the same bed with whom are married and it’s never been an issue.

OP posts: