To not consider this “family money”

[ImNotSharing]

I will shortly be receiving a large sum of money (large to me). It is a compensation payment.

Our finances are joint and DH considers it family money. I do not. AIBU?

Happy to answer questions but I’m mainly here for the vote.

That's the stance we took. I got a few grand from an unfair dismissal claim a while back, and didn't see any reason to treat it differently to any other money we got. Albeit there was no physical impact on me from that.

It was not a huge payment... about £4k. But he was injured in the workplace and that was what he was paid.
I can not ask him anything more about it as he dropped dead in Feb this year.

Finally 😆 someone on my side!

70% think IABU. I’m not about to splash out on a luxury designer wardrobe while my children walk around in rags….

“BUT I don’t want to feel like I have to justify what I’m doing with the money (because I see it as mine)”

Imagine if your dh had the same attitude as you to money he brings into the home while you are a SAHM.

@ImNotSharing
If your argument is you did the work
AND you acknowledge its a lot more than expected.

Keep half for your fun stuff (its prob what you were expecting)
Use half for family fun and holidays.

Everyone's a winner....

Fwiw I do think you are not totally unreasonable and have a bit of a point... but it is a teeny bit U

Do you feel resentful of being a sahp and not having your own money? Seems like you want money that is wholly your own with no one to justify your spending to. Which is fine. But may say something about how you feel about that current financial setup that's worth exploring more.

It sounds like you consider his money as family money but yoir money as just yours!

You do realise the op has to have a roof over her head, clothes in her back, food in the table and is liable for 5o percent of child care costs and the 50 percent of childcare costs he would need to pay is likely significantly lower than the cost of the roof over her head etc , right. Cos that’s a ridiculous argument.

If it's a large sum of money, the incident clearly had an impact. Your DH must have supported you if you are receiving money for pain, suffering and trauma. I think it's family money, tbh.

If it’s a lot more than you expected as you say can you not keep back what you expected it to be and the rest goes as family money? Keep half and put the other half as family money? I don’t see why it has to be one or the other

So you are a stay at home Mum, your husband is the earner. You already state he is generous with money, his money pays for your hobby. You get compensation and want to keep it all for yourself and not share it with your husband and kids.

Ok got it.

It sounds like it is a lot of money...how much hobby kit/how many clothes do you need?!

This is the ideal situation I think. I’d want my partner to say “it’s your money not family money” and then with that burden off my shoulders I would be then free to spend it as I wish, but then in that instance you’d probably end up spending it partly on your family too.

OP, I think strictly speaking it is family money,
but it would be decent of your husband to encourage you to spend it on herself. Then anything you choose to spend on the family is purely because you want to rather than out of obligation.

I think this really depends OP, who actually covers off all your bills generally or is it more of a50 /50 - if it’s mainly him then I think only fair for it to go into the pot, if it’s 50/50 then I think in the pot with a nice sum kept just for you -but is there any reason you want it like this? Is your marriage not in a happy place. ?

Uts family money. Same as the job he does pays into the joint account.

Would you keep a lottery win because you bought the ticket?

Whilst you were pursuing the claim, you'd have gotten support in different forms from the family, so it's family money.

Don't be grabby OP.

Did you just want one then and the vote is not relevant,

It’s compensation for my pain, my suffering and my trauma. Why would I not spend that money on me?!

I agree @ImNotSharing If it was something done to you, from which you suffered harm, and which you pursued (I’m assuming it wasn’t easy to get the compensation) then at least some of it is yours.

She’s part of the family, she would benefit too.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Did he support you following the accident? Did he take care of you and take or pay for someone else to do the household and childcare stuff that's usually your share, whilst you recovered? Or did he leave you to cope and carry on as though nothing had happened?

And why then do you think you're entitled to spend his wages over and above your own? You've said you don't contribute 50/50 as he out earns you... why doesn't he keep his money for himself.

The fact that you don't even want a discussion with the man you have chosen to spend your life with and have kids with, is a bit absurd to be honest.

Like most people have suggested, it's perfectly normal for you to want to treat yourself, but if you have joint funds... you have joint funds. You don't get to pick and choose. If you keep control and refuse to even discuss it with him, he's well within his rights to protect his income and stop contributing so much to the family.

How much is the compensation?

If it's few thousand that's one thing but if it's tens of thousands that's another!

As a mum… I would rather the money be used to pay for a holiday to spend time with my family rather that materialistic items. L

It’s compensation for my pain, my suffering and my trauma. Why would I not spend that money on me?!

did your family not also suffer to an extent? Worry, watch you in pain, feel helpless?

This totally smacks of what’s yours is mine,but what’s mine is also just mine.
Not the way I’d expect to be treated as your partner who has always shared my income fairly

If you are married it's joint money. You can agree between you both that YOU personally spend all of most of it as you wish. Or both agree that it's family money. But it needs to be discussed and agreed. Because that's the commitment you make when you marry.