AIBU to not have had a night away from my children?

[Moreroardinosaur]

The reason I’m asking is because a colleague is away for the weekend. She came back to work in January after having a baby, so her DD is around 16/17 months now. She also mentioned she had a weekend away in February.

My DS is now five and I have a two year old as well. I’ve yet to have a night away as DD still doesn’t sleep through and I’m not sure DH would wake up / be able to sort her (she can be a bit funny overnight.) Is it just me?

I mean, if you want to stay with your kids, it's not unreasonable, but I hope you don't feel you can't have a night off or feel like you'll be judged if you do. I'm strongly of the belief that if you are able to have a night off young child, you should do so.

I had my first night away from oldest DC when they were about a year old for a work thing, and DH and I did a few long weekends and a few big nights out a year when the kids were younger and stayed with my parents or sometimes his. Appreciate not everyone has the privilege of willing, able parents nearby or kids who slept well so they weren't a big ask to look after, but I think if you do have those, you should use them.

I think you’re being goady but I’ll bite. Do you think parents should never leave their children? What about getting a baby sitter for an evening out. Is that ok?

@Echobelly i honestly just think parenting can be like different countries and languages, so different are our experiences. My (lovely) colleague is a good fourteen years younger than me, she has one child, yes her husband is involved and able to have her for the weekend but DH probably would have been with just DS. Then DD comes along who is more unpredictable in terms of sleep (she’s fine, she wakes and generally can be resettled within a minute or so - if it’s me!) and as anyone who has gone through it knows two is a different kettle of fish anyway. Plus we don’t have family to help.

It’s daft to compare. And daft to let comments on here get to you.

"when I need the car sorting or the septic tank needs emptying or the TV aerial is being a dick"

See this so much. Women happy that men do the "men jobs" they can't do. Except they tend to be things which take a short period of time and/or crop up once a month or once a year. Rather than getting up every single night for years and never getting a morning off (and, it sounds like, single parenting during the week).

How much of your DD not "wanting" your DH at night and "gravitating" to you instead do you think is contributed to by the fact he (on your account) takes ages to respond, and then moans/huffs and is begrudging? Versus you who I'm guessing is there straight away and is soothing and loving?

Yeah you're response to the quoted post doesn't make sense though...

Sorry, took me a moment as I wasn't bothered in the least by your posts or criticising anyone. But I realised that they 'you' in my second sentence was meant to mean 'parents in general', but could be read as 'you' specifically. So it might have read like I was having a go at your choices - not my intention at all! I know you explained that your kids are harder to settle and I understand that.

OK, well maybe just move on. It isn’t important and we don’t need pages of me trying to explain and you responding like a moth against a window ‘but it i
doesn’t make sense.’

I didn’t think you were at all and sorry if it came over that way

YANBU if you don’t want a night away but YABVU for judging someone else who does

So your kids never went away with school/clubs/family without you constantly by their side?

Do you say the same to men who work abroad a certain amount of time? Those in the army etc?

You do realise just because someone goes away for a weekend/a night/conference it doesn’t mean they a ‘part time’ parent. It doesn’t make you a better parent not having a night/weekend etc away from your child and despite what people like you think you are allowed your own life and to go away without your kids.

Well, it is your DH's fault if he hasn't actively been part of your child's life (including at night). Or if he won't wake up when he hears his child crying. Seriously. He needs to step up as a parent.

I also don't buy the explanation that children need their mother overnight. That really lets your DH off the hook. It's true that children sometimes express a preference for one parent over the other. But if the two of you had established a routine with both parents being responsive to the children at night, your DC would in all likelihood be comforted by either of you.

Really, just move on

Perhaps don’t use the wording DH wouldn’t cope and would suffer then

My SIL has a toddler and a 7 year old. She’s been away a few times overnight but her DB, SIL or a close friend who knows the children babysits them. However, the toddler, who’ll be 3 in October has got more clingy with her (wants mummy) recently. She’d still go away though. They tend to have people stay overnight in their house and as she co sleeps with toddler then someone has to do this too.

Your DH would be fine with the children. How is he meant to cope otherwise?

I think people do suffer when they’ve had no sleep - I certainly do!

My NDN is a bit like this. Yes she has been out when her eldest was younger but now she has a baby and doesn’t want to go out in the evening at all! Her choice.

If you’re talking about your DH coping with no sleep of course he’ll cope. He may even take the kids into bed with him. What’s the harm in that?

Of course he will. But a) I don’t feel I need to make him suffer just to have a night away and b) the children will, which is more important.

Boohoo your poor DH. He decided to have 2 kids, it sounds like you are very defensive of the fact you find him unable to do the nights. It’s totally ok to not want to be away from the kids, I’d never judge for that. But you seem like a martyr about it. there is a reason sometimes kids won’t accept dad putting them to bed or wake ups, because mummy has always done it.

Then you say you wish you could have a slow morning, just tell DH to parent the kids whilst you have a lay in?

It really doesn’t bother me how you decide to do things, if you don’t want to leave the kids it’s fine… but you’re making DH seem useless and incompetent in your posts even if you are on the defence about it.

I could never imagine telling someone I couldn’t leave the kids because DH would suffer if I did. Do you realise how crazy you sound

But the thing is you won’t know unless you try. I agree with pp, let DH get them up one morning and you lie in then progress to overnight. My DB is very hands on with his kids as is his BIL. He does bed, bath etc shared with his wife. And gets up in night. The kids in both families are therefore and always have been good with both parents.

She has said her DH is ill but even so, he should be able to cope. Madness not to be able to do so. As pp said, what if there’s an emergency like OP is in hospital overnight?

I almost feel like if you never let DH do any of the nights then the kids will get anxiety if mummy isn’t there and it makes it harder to not wake with them? I understand mum breastfeeding; dads can’t do that. But I think you’d want your children to feel safe and comforted by both parents. Me and DH made sure we both had an evening out (not necessarily overnight) every week or two from when my son turned about 3 months old, he doesn’t mind who settles him at night if he needs it now.