AIBU to not have had a night away from my children?

[Moreroardinosaur]

The reason I’m asking is because a colleague is away for the weekend. She came back to work in January after having a baby, so her DD is around 16/17 months now. She also mentioned she had a weekend away in February.

My DS is now five and I have a two year old as well. I’ve yet to have a night away as DD still doesn’t sleep through and I’m not sure DH would wake up / be able to sort her (she can be a bit funny overnight.) Is it just me?

And do you realise how rude you sound? It isn’t ‘crazy’ to not have a night away that would make one child cry, one wake up as a result of that crying and have the three people I love most tired and out of sorts because of what I want.

A minority of posts are obviously ridiculous - that you should never have a night away if you’re a parent - but equally, I am not being a bad parent (and most key, neither is DH) if I don’t currently choose to stay away overnight and instead just wait until DD is that bit older.

what do you actually want from this thread OP? If you’re hell bent on not having a night away or not needing one - why did you start it? Your mind is clearly made up.

So will you try when DD turns 3 in August? That would be a good time.

It’s in her OP, her colleague goes away and leaves her child overnight. So I’m guessing OP feels she should do it too?

My kids are 5 and 2.

My DC2 is such a bad sleeper that if DH didn’t have her on half the nights, i would be dead. Seriously.

No not really. I suppose I started it reflectively really, because my life has changed so dramatically since having children and others haven’t had the huge seismic change I did (although of course still changed.) I suppose I was looking to see what others’ experiences have been in terms of motherhood. It’s a shame it’s largely turned into a DH pile on as I don’t think that’s totally justified.

Some people have lots of supportive relatives and some don’t; some have partners who are able to split the load more evenly (I know another friend who works four days a week and her DH works four days too so the children do three days in nursery whereas I’ve always done the three day week. But that is dependent on you and DH earning around the same.)

I don’t think there is anything wrong with how anyone muddles through. I know I’ve made choices I’d change retrospectively and also habits have formed which I might have sought to address sooner. But my DD is approaching three, we’re almost through the most intense phase. I know in the spirit of Tony Blair’s election campaign things can only get better! 😂

I sympathise … neither of mine have been awful although ds was tricky as a baby with reflux. I hope things improve soon. I’ve had the odd night where DD sleeps through and am hoping this will increase as she approaches and turns three.

I don't understand why DH can give you a lie in?
I do t understand why he doesn't help with bedtimes when he's there

For me it's not about the night away it's co parenting at its most basic level. If the kids don't get used to him when they are little they will always gravitate to you.

So I've had a few nights away but mainly either me or the other child in hospital. First proper night away my eldest was 6, youngest was 3 and it was for a familyw wedding. It's not that my husband is useless though, it's that eldest had/has health issues/ additional needs and then youngest was breastfed so the overlap made it trickier. Recently eldest had a sleepover with a friend for the first time ever. He's 8. Sleep is and always has been a big issue for him. Youngest is almost 5 and happy to sleep away. We're looking forward to a night away for both of us next year if we can set up simultaneous sleepovers.

We do envy people have readily available overnight childcare. My husband also didn't go away overnight for a long time because bedtime for the 2 took both of us and the medical needs were all consuming for a time

but she doesn’t want to, for all of the reasons given, so why ponder something you don’t want to do?

What, permanently? After they are at school? After they have moved out/got jobs/gone to university/had kids?

This is insanity. Having children isn’t the same as becoming a nun…

Why?

DH and I used two of the nursery staff as weekly babysitters. Life doesn’t stop when you become parents. My job also involved visiting clients in different countries - should I have given up my job?

And DH will continue being crap at waking up and soothing them, because he never learns how to do it because it's her job.

This thread reminds me of those conversations with mates when one woman accidentally makes a flippant comment that makes you realise what a loser/wrongun their partner is then furiously backtracks when they realise it's not a shared experience! Happened to me the other week on a night in a cabin with mates, when one friend was laughing about how much stuff she had to do to prep get her husband ready to have their kids for a weekend (two days one night!). Mind you he is their father!

Absolutely agree with this

I'd have zero respect for a healthy, able man who can't be trusted to care for his own children

Why can’t your husband deal with the children in the morning and take them out so you get to relax?

I never chose to leave d for a night while she was very young either, that's just personal preference. I do think as responsible parents you should make sure you are both capable and have shown you can look after them if needed. You never know what's around the corner and if something horrible happens - illness, emergency, death etc, the children will cope better if they are comfortable and used to either parent doing bedtime and wake ups. I would therefore be making dh do it sometimes to ensure they fully have the benefit of both parents.

That’s what I’d hold onto then, her sleeping through more. Then revisit leaving kids with DH. I would say though, if you want to spend a night away though, don’t feel you can’t ever do this.

🤣🤣

I didn't realise it was so common for people to go away overnight without their kids or partner. I've never had the opportunity to do so!

Each to their own. Not everyone wants/is comfortable to.
My DS slept out at 3 months old and has done ever since. I had my first week away without him when he was 7. Split his time between my sister, mum and a friend. Now I make sure I go away at least once a year without him for my time. I am my own person too, as well as mum.

Nothing arranged with friends or your sister/sister in law?
I do at least one trip each year with my sister and sister in law - we live in three different countries so look forward to our getaways.
With friends it usually takes more organising as there are more of us but a weekend spa trip is our go to idea.

I’ve got teens and I have never spent a night away. They’ve done school camps and sleepovers but I’ve not gone away without them. Don’t compare yourself to others. Do what’s best for you and your family.

I think what's sad that you think your DH doing a night of parenting would lead to suffering for your children.

That's how poorly bonded your children are to him

For me these have been -

Work trips - sometimes I add on a night to see the place/friends

Weekends away with friends or to visit friends

Weddings that were overseas and too much of a pain to take the kids to

I don't do it loads but maybe 2-3 times a year?

During the day they often gravitate to him and ‘no mummy!’ from the two year old. Clearly that doesn’t mean she is poorly bonded to me, does it?

I am surprised that the thread has taken the turn it has. There are some awful comments about DH, and I wonder how damaging this is to relationships as a whole, if on here we are pushing the narrative that "unless your partner is 100% perfect, they're a dead loss and a waste of space". That’s not life; everyone is great in some ways and useless in others.

DH works and works hard; he earns more than I do so we have a lifestyle I couldn’t manage alone and options I couldn’t access (eg private healthcare, private education.)He is great at home maintenance and given I have a rental property which I had before I met him, he has saved me a fortune in minor repairs and maintenance. He is a lovely dad: he is kind, gentle, generous and caring. He plays outside with them, taught DS to ride a bike (and I’m sure will for DD whe the time comes) plays with Lego and spends ages helping them build farm yards or dinosaur towns.

He just isn’t who they (DD really) want overnight. And if he went to her she’d scream for me; if I wasn’t there she’d get more and more worked up and wake ds and then DH would have two to settle.

How people have interpreted that as ‘your DH is a useless waste of space and I couldn’t be attracted to him; he disgusts me’ - I don’t know.