AIBU to not have had a night away from my children?

[Moreroardinosaur]

The reason I’m asking is because a colleague is away for the weekend. She came back to work in January after having a baby, so her DD is around 16/17 months now. She also mentioned she had a weekend away in February.

My DS is now five and I have a two year old as well. I’ve yet to have a night away as DD still doesn’t sleep through and I’m not sure DH would wake up / be able to sort her (she can be a bit funny overnight.) Is it just me?

Don't be ridiculous OP. Of course you can go away for a weekend. Your DH will cope and nobody will die.

Babies and toddlers generally do prefer their mums, I agree. Mine did too.

But I wasn't interested in being the only person getting up in the night and DH didn't want me to be broken through lack of sleep. So we just pushed through it and he found his way with night wakings and his own way of comforting the kids.

It sounds like you haven't even tried your DH doing any of it? That is a bit mummy martyr of you and it doesn't speak well of him either that he has watched you for years doing everything at night and not even had a decent try at doing his share.

If you're happy with it, it's your life. I expected more.

Such low expectations of fathers on this thread. And a host of excuses for their failures.

I guess i am a bad mum. I went away for 7 nights when the baby was 3 months. DH coped very well which wasn't a surprise. I have had numerous nights away when the kids were growing up.

My first night away from dd was when she was around 3, and even then, it was out of necessity rather than choice. I had always managed to bring DH and DD along with me when travelling for work before that, and I wouldn't have chosen to go away without her just for fun.

I don't think yabu. Some people feel a strong need to get away and have a break, which is totally fair enough. Other people may not feel any desperate need to have time away from their kids, and there is no necessity for them to do so.

@tofumad

no. The time for going out lots has passed when you become a mum. It’s time to stay home

I’m certainly not saying that and while a minority of people have an extreme view that you shouldn’t ever have a night away, most don’t share that. So I’m not sure who you think is calling you a bad mum!

Terrible that you cannot rely on their father to help, by stepping in all these years you are creating a rod for your back, plus damaging your Children and their relationship with their father.

You have taught your children that their father is incapable.

Mine are 2 and 4, I have left them overnight from when they stopped breastfeeding at night (around a year old, maybe a bit younger). Mine do also 'prefer' me and if I am in the house they look for me in the mornings and cry for me if I dont do their bedtime, they both also still breastfeed at bedtime - however if I am not in the house then they are totally fine (and when we are both home I do have to just ignore their cries sometimes as I know their dad is just as capable as me and they soon settle). Just a thought that it might actually be easier than you are imagining? Mine also still dont sleep through the night, would your little one just come into bed with your husband?

I understand what it's like as mine only hassle me in the morning, but if I am not there then they will of course go to my husband instead. I think if you really want a break then you just have to give it a go. One night isnt going to harm the kids even if they miss you, your husband will manage!

Like I say, I am not sure those who do have nights away are being painted as the bad parents in this discussion 😂

Aside from when I've had each child I've only had one night away from them and that was when I had to leave for a funeral early and they went to stay with their gran. I don't wish to be away from them overnight. Older two can have sleepovers at their grans but she isn't in the best of health and hasn't ever offered (other than the funeral). The youngest likely wouldn't stay with my parents as they live some distance away and only ever see them with us.

My dh is just as capable a parent as me and has had them on his own since they were born and whilst I'm at work or just out. I could leave them overnight with him as he could too but neither of us have wanted to. Mine are 10, 8 and 4 and will be grown soon enough.

I don't judge others on whst they choose to do, all I know is that I've not wanted to be away from them overnight so haven't.

Did you quote the wrong post?

No

Your response doesn't make any sense in relation to that posters comment?

I really hope you partner steps up but I suspect that when your children are older you will face the small problems as they will still want you because he's shown no interest in being a parent.

Well, someone posted on the previous page saying ‘I must be a terrible mum as I left mine young’ (or words to that effect.)

I pointed out that I certainly didn’t think women who left their children with their dads were terrible mums and for the most part the comments on this thread erred on the side of those of us who can’t / won’t leave their children as being the ‘bad’ mothers.

I then saw the post quoted which certainly didn’t hold back with what it thought, so reinforced my earlier message. But to be honest @Roads I’d prefer not to engage further, as you do seem to just want to berate me so hope you have a good bank holiday.

I’d have gone crazy without nights away from my kids but each to their own.

It’s pretty poor if your DH can’t manage to parent his own children effectively.

Why is he so useless?

Well sure, each to their own. DH is out in the garden with them now. He’s parenting perfectly effectively as far as I can see, but children are different beasts by night and by day and while in an emergency situation things are of course different, I don’t really feel the need to make him suffer, my five year old suffer and my two year old suffer when if I wait just a few more months the ‘problem’ will largely solve itself anyway 🤷‍♀️

Here is my opinion… if you didn’t want an evening away from your kids because you just didn’t want to be away from them or whatever, I wouldn’t care or judge you. Each to their own. You’re not a better mum for having nights away and you’re not a better mum for not having time away. It’s personal preference.

If you’re wanting to have a night off but you can’t because you’re scared your DH can’t cope, the father of the children, then yes I would probably feel sorry for you and question your choice in men.

I don’t think small children innately want their Mum’s overnight. When I was a child I always wanted my dad, from very little. I only ever shouted for Dad, and he was the only one who got up with me. Now it’s the same with my child and husband - he knows Dad comes if he calls, Mum sleeps! It didn’t do me any psychic damage.

But to be honest I’d prefer not to engage further, as you do seem to just want to berate me

No need to respond to me and there was no intention to berate you but I do think it's important for other posters reading this thread to reflect that this situation is unlikely to resolve with just time.

I'm sure many of us here have seen similar scenarios that have just got worse as the children get older. I really sincerely hope it does get better and you get time to have time away.

Was your DH not involved with childcare including putting to bed and nights from day one? We have DT’s we divided up activities so it didn’t matter if one did supper, one baths and one bedtime.

I’ve had evenings out but no overnights. I’m not too bothered about the overnight per se but would love a relaxed next morning … HOWEVER, it isn’t something I’m particularly bothered about.

Both children were breastfed, they wanted me in the night and still do. That doesn’t make DH lazy, incompetent, useless, a waste of space, someone I could never be attracted to or any of the other adjectives used to describe him. Some of them are rather upsetting actually.

Do you say the same to men? That when they become a dad it’s time to stay at home? Or is it okay for men to go out lots but women have to remain at home all the time?

You do realise your life doesn’t end because you become a mum right? You are allowed to go out, staying at home and not going out lots doesn’t make you a better mum at all. (Personally that reinforces that men can do what ever the fuck they want and women must always pander to them and stay at home to be good little housewives)

Just because you chose a shit bloke to have kids with don’t trust him doesn’t mean mothers can’t go out.

so glad I trust my husband enough to allow me to go away for weekends on my own, really feel for you that you don’t.

I would be embarrassed to be married to such an incompetent man, sorry to say it.

DH is generally away in the week (another reason they gravitate to me at night I suppose) and just as when I need the car sorting or the septic tank needs emptying or the TV aerial is being a dick I get DH to sort it because he’s just better, so it is with bedtime. I am just better at that. DH is of course useless in some respects and brilliant in others. Just as I am.

@Confuserr I don’t think DH is incompetent but then I don’t think you were sorry to say it either.