AIBU to not have had a night away from my children?

[Moreroardinosaur]

The reason I’m asking is because a colleague is away for the weekend. She came back to work in January after having a baby, so her DD is around 16/17 months now. She also mentioned she had a weekend away in February.

My DS is now five and I have a two year old as well. I’ve yet to have a night away as DD still doesn’t sleep through and I’m not sure DH would wake up / be able to sort her (she can be a bit funny overnight.) Is it just me?

From many posts on this site, a lot of women don't allow their husband/partner to look after 'her' child, even were he to do so he has to do everything her way, he isn't allowed an opinion. Mothers have to learn, maybe allow fathers to learn to.

Well for me it was about spending time with my mother and siblings in a family trip, also time with friends. My DH and I don't think that we need to do everything together. I like his family, but the bottom line is that they aren't my family. So while he loves to go for a weekend with them, I would be just doing it to be polite. And vice versa. So we split up sometimes. He stays at home with DS, I go with my family and friends. Then we reverse. So it's not about some madness to be away, it's just enjoying time with people outside the nuclear family.

I haven’t read all th replies but some are really really harsh. Would your 2 year old not understand that you were away for a night and that having you want an option?
I have a 3 and 1 year old and my 3 year old would only ever want me in the night but if I wasn’t there and hadn’t been there at the bedtime before she absolutely would understand. I had a friends wedding abroad when she was 27 months old and it was no issue because she understood I wasn’t there, though had I been asleep in the next room she’d have not been happy with dad

I went away with work overnight when my oldest was about 13 months. He was still breastfeeding and woke multiple times in the night and my DH coped just fine. If I was around he wanted boob but when I was away they got on with it. I travelled with work once or twice a month so they got used to coping without me. When my youngest was 11 months i went to a hen party for 3 nights, took a pump with me to keep the milk going but again they were fine without me. Its good for all of us - i love getting away for a night or two, the kids got used to settling without me, DH figured things out and I never had to worry

It’s best to stay at home when you’re a mum, OP

This is it; I do think in the next six to twelve months she will understand that and it won’t be a big deal any more. It’s only for a few months and then I might get a night away!

If this what you want, don't stay away from your baby. But it would be good for dad and child to build up their relationship so he can settle her.

Toddler DS also prefers me overnight(I still breastfeed as well). I still went for a 3 day hen do abroad around 16 months. DS woke up a couple of times, DH rocked him back to sleep. Not an issue.

Your children aren't the problem, your DH is.

It went to Australia for 2 weeks when my eldest was 17 months. It was for work, but it was fantastic. I also had a weekend away when she was 8 months, also for a work training, but that was in the UK.

I’ve always travelled loads. Took dd away to Italy when ds was 16 months. I take a holiday every year without them - walked a Camino for 10 days.

Dh is very competent. He doesn’t have a choice for weaponised incompetence because I have always just left and he’s had to figure it out. We co-slept so he could manage nights just fine. When, for example, dd was 8 months and I was away, he put dd in the sidecar cot and didn’t bedshare, but once they were toddlers they could sleep in the bed safely.

I don't think it's a case of being U or not. If you think you're better than other women because of it then that would be but I don't get that vibe here. I went away to do some filming for 3 days when my daughter was 7 months old. She stayed with my mum just because DH used to have a long commute at that time and would have had to mess with her routine.

I've been away one or two nights from my 2 year old and she wasn't thrilled that I wasn't there during the night, but my DH consoled her and they both coped! If you don't want a night away, then that's absolutely fair enough. But if you do, give your DH the chance to parent without you there.

No, a lot of people do prefer to be with their family, as we spend most of out waking lives at work, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be with our children/husband when we aren't. And if I had spare money, I'd rather take a holiday with them than with friends, though going away with a group of friends with kids of similar ages can be fun when they're older.

I can't work out if this is meant to be funny, or a genuine viewpoint?

I do think you’re getting a bit of a hard time here @Moreroardinosaur!
Everyone’s circumstances are everyone’s kids are completely different and handle things differently - as @Shmurtle has pointed out.

I had my first night away this year. DS is 5.5yo. My best friend has a child the same age who spends one night a week as his grandparents and has since he was about 2 months old, and she has a night away every month with friends and leaves her DS with DH too. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with either of our approaches - they’re just different 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have a fantastic DH, but he works away for weeks at a time (regularly - not a once in a while thing) and we have no other family nearby. So naturally, DS is far more attached to me when it comes to wanting comfort. When he’s home DH always did his fair share of night wakes etc when DS was younger but it was 10x harder and longer for him to resettle DS than it was for me. I could easily have gone and left them for the night - DH was absolutely capable of parenting, but honestly, I’d just have spent the night thinking about the fact they were likely having a rough night rather than actually enjoying myself, so what’s the point? 🤷🏻‍♀️

DH also has sleep apnea and uses a CPAP now (since DS was about 1.5yo) and quite honestly, it’s like trying to wake the dead if you need him in the night 🫠 He genuinely does NOT hear DS if he wakes up - and not just in a “oh, she’ll deal with it” kind of way - he physically needs to be shaken awake. So part of me has always felt unable to leave when DS was younger due to that too. DH would absolutely get up and deal with the night wake or whatever the issue was, but had to be shaken awake by me first.

Everyone’s circumstances are different. Personally, @Moreroardinosaur in your situation, I would work on DH being able to find his way to settle the kids. It will absolutely mean less sleep for you all for a while but I do think it’s good for kids to be able to settle away from the main caregiver. It definitely took a while for DH and DS to figure out their system due to DS relying so much on me for comfort when DH was away but after a little while he was happy being comforted by DH.

We had a few mini breaks within the first year or so, didnt see an issue

He’s her dad. He can and should be taking his turn to settle her in the night. And I say this as a mum of 2 clingy babies. Unless you married and had kids with a real fucking waste of space he CAN take care of his own children for one night and should be- regularly.

I think whats unreasonable is that your DH hasnt had the experience of looking after the kids alone. I think you are making a rod for your own back there. Just allowing him to take a step back.

For me this isn't about having a night away. Many on here won't leave their kids (i did from an early age but everyone needs to do what is right for them.)

You talk as if he can't do bedtime. It would be later so kids tired. Does he not put the children to bed at all? Do you not have a night off?

You talk that DC get up early and want you. Do you not take turns at the weekend for getting up/lie in?

Why should your PIL look after them over night when their own father doesn’t.

How do you cope? Because you had to do it, so you worked it out.

I don’t know what to say to you if you honestly think a grown man can’t look after two small kids when you magically cope just fine 🤷‍♀️

My daughter is nearly 10 and has never had a night away from me. It doesn't bother me at all.

People don’t really care if you’ve left your kids or not, but we’re all tired of reading about these feckless husbands who can’t cope with their own children, and the wives who won’t let them learn.

It's fine if you just don't want to, but your husband is a grown up, he really should be able to manage.

I first had a night away from my twins when they had an overnight school visit, aged 11. I wouldn’t want to go away without them but this trip was planned by the school and they enjoyed it. My daughter has two sons and regularly has time on jaunts away from them. I love staying and looking after them. Each to their own.