Page 11 | AIBU to not have had a night away from my children?

Clogblog · 03/05/2026 08:30

Moreroardinosaur · 03/05/2026 08:09

During the day they often gravitate to him and ‘no mummy!’ from the two year old. Clearly that doesn’t mean she is poorly bonded to me, does it?

I am surprised that the thread has taken the turn it has. There are some awful comments about DH, and I wonder how damaging this is to relationships as a whole, if on here we are pushing the narrative that "unless your partner is 100% perfect, they're a dead loss and a waste of space". That’s not life; everyone is great in some ways and useless in others.

DH works and works hard; he earns more than I do so we have a lifestyle I couldn’t manage alone and options I couldn’t access (eg private healthcare, private education.)He is great at home maintenance and given I have a rental property which I had before I met him, he has saved me a fortune in minor repairs and maintenance. He is a lovely dad: he is kind, gentle, generous and caring. He plays outside with them, taught DS to ride a bike (and I’m sure will for DD whe the time comes) plays with Lego and spends ages helping them build farm yards or dinosaur towns.

He just isn’t who they (DD really) want overnight. And if he went to her she’d scream for me; if I wasn’t there she’d get more and more worked up and wake ds and then DH would have two to settle.

How people have interpreted that as ‘your DH is a useless waste of space and I couldn’t be attracted to him; he disgusts me’ - I don’t know.

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But how do you know any of this would happen if you haven't actually ever tried your DH doing any night wakings or leaving them overnight?

Original poster

Moreroardinosaur · 03/05/2026 08:32

Because I know my daughter, as I’m sure you know your own children. Just as I know that I’ll have to keep a close watch on DS at a party later because he can get manic and silly and just as I know that DD will eat broccoli with chicken but not with fish. I know my own children, and I know that in the very near future if I want a night away I can have one as DD will be at an age where she understands a bit more. We’re just not quite there yet.

OP posts:

BudgetBuster · 03/05/2026 08:33

Moreroardinosaur · 03/05/2026 08:09

During the day they often gravitate to him and ‘no mummy!’ from the two year old. Clearly that doesn’t mean she is poorly bonded to me, does it?

I am surprised that the thread has taken the turn it has. There are some awful comments about DH, and I wonder how damaging this is to relationships as a whole, if on here we are pushing the narrative that "unless your partner is 100% perfect, they're a dead loss and a waste of space". That’s not life; everyone is great in some ways and useless in others.

DH works and works hard; he earns more than I do so we have a lifestyle I couldn’t manage alone and options I couldn’t access (eg private healthcare, private education.)He is great at home maintenance and given I have a rental property which I had before I met him, he has saved me a fortune in minor repairs and maintenance. He is a lovely dad: he is kind, gentle, generous and caring. He plays outside with them, taught DS to ride a bike (and I’m sure will for DD whe the time comes) plays with Lego and spends ages helping them build farm yards or dinosaur towns.

He just isn’t who they (DD really) want overnight. And if he went to her she’d scream for me; if I wasn’t there she’d get more and more worked up and wake ds and then DH would have two to settle.

How people have interpreted that as ‘your DH is a useless waste of space and I couldn’t be attracted to him; he disgusts me’ - I don’t know.

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That's all well and good but if you are run down because you aren't allowed an ounce of sleep he's still a useless partner in other ways.

He might be a provider and good for the fun things, but there's absolutely ZERO reason why he cannot get up with the kids and make their breakfast... absolutely zero.

Clogblog · 03/05/2026 08:33

Classic mummy martyr stuff. But if you are happy, that's all that matters

I would have been absolutely broken if I had had to do every single night waking and my marriage would not have survived if my DH was happy to let me

Original poster

Moreroardinosaur · 03/05/2026 08:35

If being a martyr isn’t spending a lot of money on a hotel for a night away I don’t especially want to prove a point that I don’t care about but you do, then yeah, I’ll be a martyr. I’d rather be a martyr than stupid.

OP posts:

BudgetBuster · 03/05/2026 08:40

Moreroardinosaur · 03/05/2026 08:35

If being a martyr isn’t spending a lot of money on a hotel for a night away I don’t especially want to prove a point that I don’t care about but you do, then yeah, I’ll be a martyr. I’d rather be a martyr than stupid.

You dotn have to spend money for your husband to let you have a sleep on?

Original poster

Moreroardinosaur · 03/05/2026 08:42

As I am doing right now while I engage in this unbelievably tedious ‘discussion’

OP posts:

quattyP · 03/05/2026 08:58

I think you and your DH have let your children down. I cannot imagine a world where my DH could not be left with the kids, it’s 2026 not 1956. Admittedly there wasn’t much need to leave them with just dad when they were younger (DH and I did leave them with grandma though!) but I can remember a time I had to go away with work when my eldest was about 2 for 4 days, I didn’t blink tbh, I don’t remember being worried at all, DH has always been hands on, even when I was BF he did everything else.

BudgetBuster · 03/05/2026 09:27

Moreroardinosaur · 03/05/2026 08:42

As I am doing right now while I engage in this unbelievably tedious ‘discussion’

😂😂 It's almost like you don't know how Mumsnet works?

You're awful rude for someone who came here complaining and makes her DH out ti be a useless lump (mostly.of your own doing).

Funny how last night he was incapable of taking the kids of a morning but today he's magically done it. So either you realised how useless he was being or you lied and he's perfectly capable.

BlueMum16 · 03/05/2026 09:40

Moreroardinosaur · 03/05/2026 08:09

During the day they often gravitate to him and ‘no mummy!’ from the two year old. Clearly that doesn’t mean she is poorly bonded to me, does it?

I am surprised that the thread has taken the turn it has. There are some awful comments about DH, and I wonder how damaging this is to relationships as a whole, if on here we are pushing the narrative that "unless your partner is 100% perfect, they're a dead loss and a waste of space". That’s not life; everyone is great in some ways and useless in others.

DH works and works hard; he earns more than I do so we have a lifestyle I couldn’t manage alone and options I couldn’t access (eg private healthcare, private education.)He is great at home maintenance and given I have a rental property which I had before I met him, he has saved me a fortune in minor repairs and maintenance. He is a lovely dad: he is kind, gentle, generous and caring. He plays outside with them, taught DS to ride a bike (and I’m sure will for DD whe the time comes) plays with Lego and spends ages helping them build farm yards or dinosaur towns.

He just isn’t who they (DD really) want overnight. And if he went to her she’d scream for me; if I wasn’t there she’d get more and more worked up and wake ds and then DH would have two to settle.

How people have interpreted that as ‘your DH is a useless waste of space and I couldn’t be attracted to him; he disgusts me’ - I don’t know.

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Is your bar that low that being a good day is teaching DC to ride a bike and play with LEGO?

What time did he get up today?
What time did you get up with the DC?
How about yesterday? Have you both taken a turn with a lie in?

What about bedtime? Did he do bath time or bedtime story?

You're at a party today with one child. What will he be doing with the other?

I keep saying this isn't about a night away that you don't want yet. This is about you saying he couldn't cope because you appear to have to do it all.

Original poster

Moreroardinosaur · 03/05/2026 09:46

I’ve been on MN long enough to know how you work @BudgetBuster . You could start an argument in an empty room. Carry on discussing DH if you want. Disengaging. It’s doubly upsetting to read because I’ve explained he is unwell at the moment and m we’re waiting on some results. Despite that he’s doing what he can. So it feels awful to read, more so than usual tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

Moreroardinosaur · 03/05/2026 09:51

BlueMum16 · 03/05/2026 09:40

Is your bar that low that being a good day is teaching DC to ride a bike and play with LEGO?

What time did he get up today?
What time did you get up with the DC?
How about yesterday? Have you both taken a turn with a lie in?

What about bedtime? Did he do bath time or bedtime story?

You're at a party today with one child. What will he be doing with the other?

I keep saying this isn't about a night away that you don't want yet. This is about you saying he couldn't cope because you appear to have to do it all.

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Totally. Terrible, shit dad. The only thing that would count - the sole way he can redeem himself in your eyes is to get up at night to a child who doesn’t even want him. So let’s agree until he does that he’s a useless piece of shit with no redeeming features. Patience, kindness and time means nothing at all. Great. I’ve now seen the light. Let’s move on.

OP posts:

BlueMum16 · 03/05/2026 09:54

Moreroardinosaur · 03/05/2026 09:51

Totally. Terrible, shit dad. The only thing that would count - the sole way he can redeem himself in your eyes is to get up at night to a child who doesn’t even want him. So let’s agree until he does that he’s a useless piece of shit with no redeeming features. Patience, kindness and time means nothing at all. Great. I’ve now seen the light. Let’s move on.

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I've not said he needs to get up in the night.

I've said he needs to help at bedtime. Baths, stories, tuck them in.
I've said he needs to take a turn in the morning so you can have a lie in after being up in the night.

You have not replied to say if he does this or not.

If he doesn't, yes he's a shit dad just doing the fun stuff and leaving all the parenting to you. No wonder you are tired.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/05/2026 10:08

Small children can be contrary little things - if you're there, only you will do, but if you're not actually there, they often switch immediately to who is.

I didn't spend a single night away from DD (and hadn't actually been away from her for more than a couple of hours) until I had to go away for a couple of nights for a qualification. She instantly flipped to accepting he was there. Which was pretty handy when he left a year later and she started staying with him and his girlfriend that definitely wasn't with an overlap, they just happened to start a flatshare in her flat two weeks later EOW.

BudgetBuster · 03/05/2026 14:37

Moreroardinosaur · 03/05/2026 09:46

I’ve been on MN long enough to know how you work @BudgetBuster . You could start an argument in an empty room. Carry on discussing DH if you want. Disengaging. It’s doubly upsetting to read because I’ve explained he is unwell at the moment and m we’re waiting on some results. Despite that he’s doing what he can. So it feels awful to read, more so than usual tbh.

You realise you are the one who created the thread berating your husband for being untrustworthy with his own kids? Not me...

YouLookLikeStevieNicks · 03/05/2026 17:42

This post is really depressing to read.

Your earlier posts said your DH wouldn't cope, he just wouldn't wake up, you thought before you had children that you'd be equal as parents but you now realise that was naive. You even said he could just about cope with the older one but bedtime would be late and chaotic (why? Is he really that incompetent that he can't get a 5 year old to bed on time?).

You've now changed your tune to he's the best dad ever because he taught them how to ride a bike and built some lego. None of what you listed makes him a great dad by the way, it's literally the bare fucking minimum.

I suspect you're quite embarrassed to realise how unusual your situation is. Probably because your DH tells you none of his friends get up with their kids in the night so you've been conditioned to think it's normal. There's a reason for that though, shit men are normally friends with other shit men. If one of my DH's friends told him they'd never done a single night wake up I think he'd lose all respect for them.

The reason your kids only want you in the night is because that's all they've ever known. But you don't want to do anything to change your situation so I don't know why anyone is even bothering to engage anymore. Probably best you just accept the vast majority of women have higher standards than you and carry on with your life.

Confuserr · 03/05/2026 21:22

Moreroardinosaur · 03/05/2026 08:35

If being a martyr isn’t spending a lot of money on a hotel for a night away I don’t especially want to prove a point that I don’t care about but you do, then yeah, I’ll be a martyr. I’d rather be a martyr than stupid.

You said earlier you were quite jealous of someone having a night away. And that you'd especially like a morning without demands from your kids (I'm not quite clear on why DH can't have them while you have a lie in if he's the favoured daytime parent like you say)

But now you don't want a night away anyway and it would be "stupid" to have a single night off in 5 years...

BudgetBuster · 03/05/2026 21:27

Confuserr · 03/05/2026 21:22

You said earlier you were quite jealous of someone having a night away. And that you'd especially like a morning without demands from your kids (I'm not quite clear on why DH can't have them while you have a lie in if he's the favoured daytime parent like you say)

But now you don't want a night away anyway and it would be "stupid" to have a single night off in 5 years...

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And also her DH magically had the kids this morning while she had a lie in...

Tairneanach · 04/05/2026 10:48

Cannot imagine being a martyr to motherhood. I feel it's so important to have some time for yourself or some time for your relationship without children around, otherwise when the children are grown and have their own life, what do you have left?

I don't have many nights away, but I use the time I do have away from my children to ensure my cup is full and I'm well-rested and relaxed. It makes me a better mother and partner and ensures there's still a life worth living outside of being a parent.

SwatTheTwit · 04/05/2026 10:51

As long as you’re happy with it, it’s no one’s business.

It would drive me insane and personally I don’t think it’s very healthy for the kids either as they need to get used to mother not being there 24/7, but that’s just my opinion.

WolfDaysOfMoon · 04/05/2026 10:58

Cherrytree86 · 02/05/2026 13:34

@tofumad

no. The time for going out lots has passed when you become a mum. It’s time to stay home

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Good luck with your pension arrangements hun

Sartre · 04/05/2026 11:00

I have to work away on occasion, as does DH. We have 5 DC and amazingly cope without the other for a few nights. It’s good for your mental health to get away.

cantthinkofagoodusername1 · 04/05/2026 11:04

It depends on whether you want a night away or not.
My oldest is 7 and I’ve had more nights away than I can count! I was always very clear that we would be equal parents, I made that very clear before entertaining any discussion about having children. Fathers are just as able to take care of children as mothers, but like anything else, they’ll only get good at it if they have the chance to do so.

Again, if you don’t want a night away, that’s up to you, but if you do, then go ahead and do it.

Pherian · 04/05/2026 11:05

Moreroardinosaur · 01/05/2026 19:28

The reason I’m asking is because a colleague is away for the weekend. She came back to work in January after having a baby, so her DD is around 16/17 months now. She also mentioned she had a weekend away in February.

My DS is now five and I have a two year old as well. I’ve yet to have a night away as DD still doesn’t sleep through and I’m not sure DH would wake up / be able to sort her (she can be a bit funny overnight.) Is it just me?

Did you have children with a moron ? Otherwise I don’t understand why your DH wouldn’t be able to handle the children he brought into this world with you - without you for a weekend.

moonshineandsun · 04/05/2026 11:07

Completely up to you and child dependent. My first was okay to be with dad around six months old as they took bottle, second one would only breastfeed so was about three before I left overnight. Is it a problem for you? If you would like to go, work on your DH being able to soothe child but equally if it’s working for all of you that’s fine too. People often think we are strange because we don’t use babysitters but everyone makes their own choices.