AIBU to refuse to intervene in a friend's job application?

[NotFeelingGuilty]

I have name changed as this may be outing, but have been around for years.

I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years. We are not close but meet up every couple of months for coffee/lunch.

Her partner has been unemployed for a few months. I have been aware that she is stressing about finances and I have sympathy for her position. I have only met him a handful of times and not for many years. Anyway, around 3 weeks ago, he decided to apply for a job at a company that is well known to me, as I know the sector and am friendly with the CEO and a few of the other staff. Friend approached me for help.

I offered a lot of detailed advice based on my knowledge of how the company operates, what makes them tick etc. I also offered to read through the CV and covering letter before he submitted it, so that he could get some feedback. (Friend knows that I have done a lot of recruitment over the years.) He didn't take me up on the offer, which was fine...it was just an offer. He did later send me a copy of the letter that he had submitted, and it was clear that he had ignored most of the advice that I had given him. Again, that was fine - it was his application and he did it in the way that he saw fit. Totally fair enough.

He found out yesterday that he didn't get shortlisted for the job. Unsurprising, in my view, given the quality of his CV and the lack of tailoring in his covering letter, but obviously disappointing for him. I do understand that being unemployed is very stressful and that recruitment processes can be brutal.

However, my friend rang me yesterday and asked me to intervene with the hiring manager on his behalf to see if I could persuade them to offer him an interview. I refused, because it isn't my business to interfere in another company's recruitment process and there wasn't much evidence that he would be any good at the job in any case, so I was not really willing to put my own reputation on the line for someone who hadn't actually bothered to take advantage of the help that I had already freely offered.

Friend is furious with me and says that she feels really let down. She says that I know how anxious she has been about him being unemployed and thought that, as a friend, I would be happy to help.

From my perspective, I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough, but surely it wasn't reasonable after that to come back expecting me to fix the problem?

I really don't think I have been unreasonable here, have I?

Well, that’s a bit wet lettuce-y, OP. I’d point out, civilly, that you offered advice which was ignored, offered to read the application before it went in (an option which was no taken up), and that this was above and beyond already.

And/or deluded about his capacities.

I have never gone out on a limb for a reference or a recommendation for anyone I don't know well, not least because I wouldn't know what to say! And I never would. Serves nobody's purpose in the long run.

If she's stressed I wouldn't necessarily let the friendship drift as let it slow down while her home life sorts itself out. I wouldn't be cross with her, I think. I'd probably assume she's under a lot of pressure, and whilst I wouldn't appreciate being spoken to the way you were I would let it slide and proceed more slowly and with caution. Sometimes people need understanding and a pass.

Not unreasonable. You offered good advice and were ignored. What more do these people want?
I would stop those coffee/lunches.

Your are 100% NBU. You offered a lot of advice which he ignored. Tough!

OP, you are right to ghost them from now on. They sound like they have issues between themselves and she sounds like a user and projecting her frustration at her DH onto you.

In my experience women that bend themselves out of shape trying to get lazy arses to work only burn bridges themselves.

I have known a few very nice women with lazy arsed sons that didn't want a job during college, arrange a job through a friend/contact, only for the sons to blow it up by not turning up and not caring.

I have several friends that have have said they will never entertain this again.

My own children got sought after part time jobs through friends, when they really wanted work/money, and it was made crystal clear to them just how lucky they were.....which they knew, as the hours/location, were great and worked for them in university.

They have worked hard for their employer and are taking the summer off to go abroad, and will have a job to return to during the next academic year, such is the effort they made to be valuable.

You cannot make a lazy arsed, of either sex, really want a job if they don't.

I wouldn't dream of risking MY reputation and goodwill with people by recommending anyone, unless I was 100% sure of their commitment.

OP has behaved impeccably throughout this.
In her place I would be letting things drift.

You're right, it was wet-lettucey, and I was kicking myself afterwards for not having been more assertive. I'm crap with any kind of conflict, and my default position is to go into apology-mode. I'm working on this!

I haven't had any further contact with my friend, but if she gets in touch again without an apology, I will definitely be better prepared to make my point next time.

No I would not consider doing this. Your reputation in the industry would suffer and it does not sound like he is going to be a great asset to the business which would further reflect badly on you.

You offered help, he declined, you done all you could. Like you say not your place to interfere in the recruitment of another company, and tbh even if it was the company you worked for, if you don't know the guy, why would you vouch for them, if they end up being rubbish you look an idiot!

You did everything you could to give him the tools to shine in his CB…he chose not to take that advice on board 🤷🏼‍♀️

What’s that old saying…you can lead a horse to water 🤷🏼‍♀️