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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to refuse to intervene in a friend's job application?

139 replies

NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 14:51

I have name changed as this may be outing, but have been around for years.

I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years. We are not close but meet up every couple of months for coffee/lunch.

Her partner has been unemployed for a few months. I have been aware that she is stressing about finances and I have sympathy for her position. I have only met him a handful of times and not for many years. Anyway, around 3 weeks ago, he decided to apply for a job at a company that is well known to me, as I know the sector and am friendly with the CEO and a few of the other staff. Friend approached me for help.

I offered a lot of detailed advice based on my knowledge of how the company operates, what makes them tick etc. I also offered to read through the CV and covering letter before he submitted it, so that he could get some feedback. (Friend knows that I have done a lot of recruitment over the years.) He didn't take me up on the offer, which was fine...it was just an offer. He did later send me a copy of the letter that he had submitted, and it was clear that he had ignored most of the advice that I had given him. Again, that was fine - it was his application and he did it in the way that he saw fit. Totally fair enough.

He found out yesterday that he didn't get shortlisted for the job. Unsurprising, in my view, given the quality of his CV and the lack of tailoring in his covering letter, but obviously disappointing for him. I do understand that being unemployed is very stressful and that recruitment processes can be brutal.

However, my friend rang me yesterday and asked me to intervene with the hiring manager on his behalf to see if I could persuade them to offer him an interview. I refused, because it isn't my business to interfere in another company's recruitment process and there wasn't much evidence that he would be any good at the job in any case, so I was not really willing to put my own reputation on the line for someone who hadn't actually bothered to take advantage of the help that I had already freely offered.

Friend is furious with me and says that she feels really let down. She says that I know how anxious she has been about him being unemployed and thought that, as a friend, I would be happy to help.

From my perspective, I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough, but surely it wasn't reasonable after that to come back expecting me to fix the problem?

I really don't think I have been unreasonable here, have I?

OP posts:
CoverLikelyZebra · 01/05/2026 15:21

Yanbu and your friend is nuturing her anger towards you in order to distract herself from the person most correctly to blame, the useless layabout 'partner' who is clearly quite happy being unemployed and supported by her, or he would have put in more effort and taken your original advice. Clearly it would be inappropriate for this company to hire someone who can't get a job application right even when told important inside information by someone who knows a lot about the company. It's a shame your friend is so stressed but she should cut the bastard out of her life and stop enabling him.

ohyesido · 01/05/2026 15:22

You can’t force a company to give someone a job and they are being ridiculous to think that you can.

SethBrogan · 01/05/2026 15:23

Oh my god OP tell her to get a bloody grip. The only person who hasn’t helped themselves is her partner-she needs to focus her anger and anxiety towards the appropriate person which isn’t you. The fact that this unemployed man couldn’t get it together to submit a decent job application says it all. Do not risk your reputation or your network for him.

SethBrogan · 01/05/2026 15:24

awayhay · 01/05/2026 15:19

I probably would’ve just lied and said you’d had a word with the hiring manager.

Edited

Why would you do that? What if the OP’s friend then contacts the company directly and gives the OP’s name? Why would you lie rather than being honest?

ImImmortalNowBabyDoll · 01/05/2026 15:25

I work in the CS and have had similar. I have explained to people they need to use STAR, read their first draft, realised they've not even attempted STAR, explained again how to go about rewording the answers, then they realise that's going to be a lot of effort so they ignore me and submit what they've got and are then shocked they don't get an interview. Luckily, there's no "intervening" possible in the CS so I don't get asked.

I'd be straight with your friend and say that the post needs someone who is pro-active and able to listen to and follow guidance, and he's shown he can't do that.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/05/2026 15:25

It sounds like he doesn't actually want a job if he couldn't be bothered to tailor his application and just sent a generic cv and cover letter.

It was her pushing you to offer advice and it's her pushing you now. Do you think he likes being supported by his wife and not having to work?

She is obviously stressed with the financial burden but if he's not bothered then they have different goals.

VivX · 01/05/2026 15:28

Your friend is bonkers her husband is either clueless or arrogant or likely both.

Keep repeating your phrase "I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough"

I would not lie about having put in a good word either.

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 01/05/2026 15:28

Did you tell her he ignored all your advice? How could she defend that?

Sassylovesbooks · 01/05/2026 15:31

What's the saying 'you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink'! You offered plenty of help, with his CV and covering letter, which you could have tailored to the company but he didn't take you up on that offer.

I would tell your friend that you did offer help but her husband didn't take you up on any of the help or advice. That's on him, not you. You are not responsible for another companies recruitment process and neither is it appropriate for you to get involved.

I'd then step back. Yes your friend is stressed and worried but she should actually be cross with her husband for not taking your advice or help.

ScottBakula · 01/05/2026 15:33

I agree with pp, you offered to help with the cv , interview process ( in terms of what they are looking for ) and he chose not to take you up on the offer.
If / when you speak to either of them again explain bluntly that he obviously knows better than you , that's why he didn't take your advice so there is no more information you can give him and the employer has missed ( employing a idiot) atrick not employing him .

Iamstardust · 01/05/2026 15:36

This is a bloke who thinks he knows best and wont take direction from others, he's not going to be an asset to any company. I wouldn't want to stain my own reputation by associating myself with him!

Beachtastic · 01/05/2026 15:37

She's as stupid as he is, if she's cross with you. Fuck these people OP.

purplecorkheart · 01/05/2026 15:39

You did the most that you could do in this situation. He did not take your valuable advice. You could not meddle in another companies recruitment process and to be honest if you did it could reflect badly on you if things went wrong. Your friend owes you an apology.

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 01/05/2026 15:41

This is one of those times that my username is also the content of my post!

AxolotlEars · 01/05/2026 15:43

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 01/05/2026 14:57

You did help and you did offer advice. He chose not to take you up on that 🤷‍♀️.

It was arrogant to turn down your expertise in the first place. Your friend is stressed and panicking. You should not be the focus of her frustration, her husband should be! Hopefully she'll calm down and apologise.

ChasingRainbow5 · 01/05/2026 15:47

I can't believe the brass neck of some people!

Have you made clear to your 'friend' that he ignored the advice you spent time and effort giving?

Onelifeonly · 01/05/2026 15:49

Even if you did intervene (absolutely not suggesting you should) why on earth would they listen to you? Knowing them doesn't mean you can sway their company decisions. Plus you have no reason to give for trying to do so, since you haven't worked with him. Your friend is being totally unrealistic and inappropriate, surely she can see that?

Backedoffhackedoff · 01/05/2026 15:50

SethBrogan · 01/05/2026 15:24

Why would you do that? What if the OP’s friend then contacts the company directly and gives the OP’s name? Why would you lie rather than being honest?

Because it shuts her up and also means she doesn’t get upset, and I wouldn’t want a friend to be upset.

why would they call the company and give their name? Bonkers. I’d happily take the risk it would never happen and if it did deal with it then, it’s a not a big deal

BMW6 · 01/05/2026 15:51

I hope you made it clear to your "friend" that her DH ignored all the advice you gave!

What a pair. You're not losing much if this has kilked the relationship.

Mangochutney33 · 01/05/2026 15:51

YANBU. You've already wasted your breath with the initial giving of advice. He had no intention of putting that amount of effort in to obtaining a job. All they ever wanted was for you to get him a job. Don't do that because he'll be the same at work as he is outside of it: lazy, doing the bare minimum to not get fired.

SethBrogan · 01/05/2026 15:55

Backedoffhackedoff · 01/05/2026 15:50

Because it shuts her up and also means she doesn’t get upset, and I wouldn’t want a friend to be upset.

why would they call the company and give their name? Bonkers. I’d happily take the risk it would never happen and if it did deal with it then, it’s a not a big deal

So you’d rather lie than upset someone? Interesting approach.

xxxlove · 01/05/2026 15:56

This might work in a Balkan country or in Russia but not in the UK

Newbras · 01/05/2026 15:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

jdb9803 · 01/05/2026 15:59

Have I got this right - your friend wants you to contact a hiring manager at a company you don't even work for and tell them they are crazy not to employ a man who (depending on the reason he ignored your advice) is either thick as mince or doesn't want the job.
And you want to know if you are unreasonable to say no?!!!!

Backedoffhackedoff · 01/05/2026 15:59

SethBrogan · 01/05/2026 15:55

So you’d rather lie than upset someone? Interesting approach.

Why is it interesting? Life is nuanced and different situations mean different approaches - all day every day.

I am more than happy to upset someone appropriately but it’s to no end in this scenario, the friend is already stressed.

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