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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to intervene in a friend's job application?

161 replies

NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 14:51

I have name changed as this may be outing, but have been around for years.

I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years. We are not close but meet up every couple of months for coffee/lunch.

Her partner has been unemployed for a few months. I have been aware that she is stressing about finances and I have sympathy for her position. I have only met him a handful of times and not for many years. Anyway, around 3 weeks ago, he decided to apply for a job at a company that is well known to me, as I know the sector and am friendly with the CEO and a few of the other staff. Friend approached me for help.

I offered a lot of detailed advice based on my knowledge of how the company operates, what makes them tick etc. I also offered to read through the CV and covering letter before he submitted it, so that he could get some feedback. (Friend knows that I have done a lot of recruitment over the years.) He didn't take me up on the offer, which was fine...it was just an offer. He did later send me a copy of the letter that he had submitted, and it was clear that he had ignored most of the advice that I had given him. Again, that was fine - it was his application and he did it in the way that he saw fit. Totally fair enough.

He found out yesterday that he didn't get shortlisted for the job. Unsurprising, in my view, given the quality of his CV and the lack of tailoring in his covering letter, but obviously disappointing for him. I do understand that being unemployed is very stressful and that recruitment processes can be brutal.

However, my friend rang me yesterday and asked me to intervene with the hiring manager on his behalf to see if I could persuade them to offer him an interview. I refused, because it isn't my business to interfere in another company's recruitment process and there wasn't much evidence that he would be any good at the job in any case, so I was not really willing to put my own reputation on the line for someone who hadn't actually bothered to take advantage of the help that I had already freely offered.

Friend is furious with me and says that she feels really let down. She says that I know how anxious she has been about him being unemployed and thought that, as a friend, I would be happy to help.

From my perspective, I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough, but surely it wasn't reasonable after that to come back expecting me to fix the problem?

I really don't think I have been unreasonable here, have I?

OP posts:
hcee19 · 02/05/2026 18:56

Can't fix stupid. You were more than willing to help with his application, but he knew best, or thought he did. Tough you live & learn. I wouldn't intervene. Your friend can be as mad as she likes, but if she can't understand your point of view, she is no friend....

Jack80 · 02/05/2026 18:58

You tried to help and he didn't accept it so sod them.

anon666 · 02/05/2026 19:22

Does she understand that you have no real influence? I mean, the recruiting manager's decision is final. Maybe she doesn't understand that. 🤔

JennyBG · 02/05/2026 20:09

NotFeelingGuilty · 01/05/2026 14:51

I have name changed as this may be outing, but have been around for years.

I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years. We are not close but meet up every couple of months for coffee/lunch.

Her partner has been unemployed for a few months. I have been aware that she is stressing about finances and I have sympathy for her position. I have only met him a handful of times and not for many years. Anyway, around 3 weeks ago, he decided to apply for a job at a company that is well known to me, as I know the sector and am friendly with the CEO and a few of the other staff. Friend approached me for help.

I offered a lot of detailed advice based on my knowledge of how the company operates, what makes them tick etc. I also offered to read through the CV and covering letter before he submitted it, so that he could get some feedback. (Friend knows that I have done a lot of recruitment over the years.) He didn't take me up on the offer, which was fine...it was just an offer. He did later send me a copy of the letter that he had submitted, and it was clear that he had ignored most of the advice that I had given him. Again, that was fine - it was his application and he did it in the way that he saw fit. Totally fair enough.

He found out yesterday that he didn't get shortlisted for the job. Unsurprising, in my view, given the quality of his CV and the lack of tailoring in his covering letter, but obviously disappointing for him. I do understand that being unemployed is very stressful and that recruitment processes can be brutal.

However, my friend rang me yesterday and asked me to intervene with the hiring manager on his behalf to see if I could persuade them to offer him an interview. I refused, because it isn't my business to interfere in another company's recruitment process and there wasn't much evidence that he would be any good at the job in any case, so I was not really willing to put my own reputation on the line for someone who hadn't actually bothered to take advantage of the help that I had already freely offered.

Friend is furious with me and says that she feels really let down. She says that I know how anxious she has been about him being unemployed and thought that, as a friend, I would be happy to help.

From my perspective, I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough, but surely it wasn't reasonable after that to come back expecting me to fix the problem?

I really don't think I have been unreasonable here, have I?

Your last two paragraphs - did you say those words to her verbatim? If so, there is no need for you to worry about it anymore. The husband is an idiot.

Trillie · 02/05/2026 20:58

Tell her that’s not appropriate but you’d be happy to help with some advice on his cv and covering letters.

Original poster
NotFeelingGuilty · 02/05/2026 22:05

anon666 · 02/05/2026 19:22

Does she understand that you have no real influence? I mean, the recruiting manager's decision is final. Maybe she doesn't understand that. 🤔

I did make that point, and she acknowledged that an intervention from me might not actually help, but she was upset that I wouldn't even try.

OP posts:
Idontcareboutthestateofmyhair · 02/05/2026 22:06

Fuck sake. If he is too superior to take your advice then fuck them. How your friend thinks you can possibly intervene here is mind boggling. You gave all the help you could possibly give. He knew better but he obviously didn't. If he was applying to your company and ignored the advice you gave you wouldn't want him working there for sure. You have not done anything wrong.

Original poster
NotFeelingGuilty · 02/05/2026 22:09

JennyBG · 02/05/2026 20:09

Your last two paragraphs - did you say those words to her verbatim? If so, there is no need for you to worry about it anymore. The husband is an idiot.

Show quote history

No, I was taken by surprise by the whole thing, and I didn't say what I wish I had said in hindsight. I didn't point out that he had chosen to ignore my advice. I'm kind of annoyed with myself about that now, but perhaps some things are better left unsaid.

OP posts:
hcee19 · 02/05/2026 22:10

Tell your friend you tried but wastold the position has been filled

Original poster
NotFeelingGuilty · 02/05/2026 22:11

Trillie · 02/05/2026 20:58

Tell her that’s not appropriate but you’d be happy to help with some advice on his cv and covering letters.

Tbh, I made the offer once and they didn't choose to take me up on it, so I'm not inclined to offer again.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotFeelingGuilty · 02/05/2026 22:12

hcee19 · 02/05/2026 22:10

Tell your friend you tried but wastold the position has been filled

I'm not willing to lie to her about it. If she can't accept and respect my decision that it would have been inappropriate to try to intervene in any way, then I can live with that.

OP posts:
Calendulaaria · 02/05/2026 23:21

She's annoyed and panicking as her partner is a useless moron and is taking it out on you.

sabbii · 03/05/2026 10:18

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 01/05/2026 14:57

You did help and you did offer advice. He chose not to take you up on that 🤷‍♀️.

If in any job application I had access to your kind of help and tips I would be ecstatic and super grateful. Only a complete selfish idiot who thinks they know better would turn down a potential gold mine.
Tough kitties now, there is no way back for him, needs to be able to take constructive comments on board

CrotchetyQuaver · 03/05/2026 11:32

She's so stressed because he's unemployed she's not being rational. I was in this situation a few times and frankly you get so worried about money and when he will get a new job (after it's gone on for months) you start to lose the plot.
tell your friend what you've written here, you gave strong advice, he chose not to apply any of it to his application, he didn't get the job and repeat ad infinitum. Of course you can't intervene now and speak up for him!

Brownbl · 04/05/2026 13:34

CrotchetyQuaver · 03/05/2026 11:32

She's so stressed because he's unemployed she's not being rational. I was in this situation a few times and frankly you get so worried about money and when he will get a new job (after it's gone on for months) you start to lose the plot.
tell your friend what you've written here, you gave strong advice, he chose not to apply any of it to his application, he didn't get the job and repeat ad infinitum. Of course you can't intervene now and speak up for him!

This particularly happens to women that are the parent in the relationship, the one who feels responsible for everything.
An awful place to be.

FeelingALittleWoozyHere · 04/05/2026 13:39

This is really uncomfortable OP and sorry your friend is being so unreasonable. You have already done plenty

Original poster
NotFeelingGuilty · 04/05/2026 13:50

Thank you all for your comments, which have definitely reassured me that my stance wasn't unreasonable.

@Brownbl I think you may be on to something with the suggestion that she may feel like the parent in the relationship. Which must be a miserable place to be, but that's really between her and her partner.

OP posts:
Catdoorman · 04/05/2026 14:14

You were very kind to offer your expertise, I wish I had a friend like you. I would point out that you did offer help where you reasonably could, but it was declined, and to intervene in any further capacity would be an imposition on your part and reflect very badly on your professional standing.

Thefastandthecurious5 · 04/05/2026 14:16

hcee19 · 02/05/2026 22:10

Tell your friend you tried but wastold the position has been filled

I would recommend against doing this, because I think that risks the friend continually asking when the role is likely to be vacant. I wouldn’t leave things open to the friend asking for future help.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 04/05/2026 14:46

NotFeelingGuilty · 04/05/2026 13:50

Thank you all for your comments, which have definitely reassured me that my stance wasn't unreasonable.

@Brownbl I think you may be on to something with the suggestion that she may feel like the parent in the relationship. Which must be a miserable place to be, but that's really between her and her partner.

I voted YANBU.

However, I do think YABU to even second guess yourself on something that would be peculiarly odd and unprofessional behaviour if you were to seek to intervene.

I also wonder if you were overstepping/oversharing in the information and advice you shared about another company gained in the course of your employment.

Sympathies though - no good deed goes unpunished !

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 04/05/2026 14:48

You’ve provided help which he chose not to take. Speaking to the hiring party is not appropriate and shouldn’t be expected from you. you’ve supported to the point you can and the rest is on him.

you should explain to your friend that he ignored your advice as it might be helpful for her to then see where he is going wrong and help him.

Original poster
NotFeelingGuilty · 04/05/2026 15:05

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 04/05/2026 14:46

I voted YANBU.

However, I do think YABU to even second guess yourself on something that would be peculiarly odd and unprofessional behaviour if you were to seek to intervene.

I also wonder if you were overstepping/oversharing in the information and advice you shared about another company gained in the course of your employment.

Sympathies though - no good deed goes unpunished !

Show quote history

I wasn't sharing anything that was confidential or inappropriate in any way - no trade secrets or insider information, just stuff about their values as company and insights into how they operate which could probably be found in the public domain if someone looked hard enough. I didn't ever work for the company so wasn't sharing info gained as an employee - I just know the sector and the company very well and also the CEO and other senior staff, so I know what makes them tick. I'm very confident that the CEO wouldn't have any objections to me sharing what I shared.

But you're probably right that I was BU to second guess myself about whether zi was BU. I was just so taken aback by the strength of her reaction that it made me doubt myself!

OP posts:
FlapperFlamingo · 04/05/2026 15:18

I used to work somewhere a lot of people would also like to be. I think @WallaceinAnderland has worded it perfectly. That’s what I used to say too. It closes down the whole conversation.

auserna · 04/05/2026 15:45

He sounds like an arrogant idiot and she sounds totally bonkers.

UnemployedNotRetired · 04/05/2026 15:49

Some people maybe get the idea that getting jobs is all about the connections rather than the application? I know if can work that way sometimes, but for lots of jobs that doesn't really come into it at the early stages.