AIBU to refuse to intervene in a friend's job application?

[NotFeelingGuilty]

I have name changed as this may be outing, but have been around for years.

I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years. We are not close but meet up every couple of months for coffee/lunch.

Her partner has been unemployed for a few months. I have been aware that she is stressing about finances and I have sympathy for her position. I have only met him a handful of times and not for many years. Anyway, around 3 weeks ago, he decided to apply for a job at a company that is well known to me, as I know the sector and am friendly with the CEO and a few of the other staff. Friend approached me for help.

I offered a lot of detailed advice based on my knowledge of how the company operates, what makes them tick etc. I also offered to read through the CV and covering letter before he submitted it, so that he could get some feedback. (Friend knows that I have done a lot of recruitment over the years.) He didn't take me up on the offer, which was fine...it was just an offer. He did later send me a copy of the letter that he had submitted, and it was clear that he had ignored most of the advice that I had given him. Again, that was fine - it was his application and he did it in the way that he saw fit. Totally fair enough.

He found out yesterday that he didn't get shortlisted for the job. Unsurprising, in my view, given the quality of his CV and the lack of tailoring in his covering letter, but obviously disappointing for him. I do understand that being unemployed is very stressful and that recruitment processes can be brutal.

However, my friend rang me yesterday and asked me to intervene with the hiring manager on his behalf to see if I could persuade them to offer him an interview. I refused, because it isn't my business to interfere in another company's recruitment process and there wasn't much evidence that he would be any good at the job in any case, so I was not really willing to put my own reputation on the line for someone who hadn't actually bothered to take advantage of the help that I had already freely offered.

Friend is furious with me and says that she feels really let down. She says that I know how anxious she has been about him being unemployed and thought that, as a friend, I would be happy to help.

From my perspective, I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough, but surely it wasn't reasonable after that to come back expecting me to fix the problem?

I really don't think I have been unreasonable here, have I?

I would not be letting "friend " off with that "you really let us down " comment
I would be highlighting and underlining to the CF that you did offer to help but her arrogant husband turned it down

You did your bit, offered help and advice. It’s is not on you that notice was not taken by your friend’s husband. I would it have intervened with the hiring manager either.
I suspect your friendship may be at an end though, through no fault of yours.

No, I didn't. To be honest, I was so taken aback by how upset she was that I didn't really know what to say. I think I ended up apologising for the fact that I couldn't do what she wanted me to do.

Op, I may have missed it but did the applicant ever talk directly to you or did all the asking and thanking come through your "friend" I mean maybe he was livid that his partner was treating him like a child?

How ungrateful!

It sounds like you gave a lot of help and advice which was fully ignored and now they want you to recommend him when he was too stupid to listen to all the asvice he was given?

Among the reasons he's unemployed:

• things he knows better than people with expertise
• cannot take advice
• failure to recognise his own short comings (even when highlighted)

It's fairly obvious employer made the right call.

I absolutely would not have let her get away with the "you are letting us down" comment and would have pointed out that he chose to ignore your quite considerable advice. Cheeky buggers!

Stupid woman. You did what you could, mentored amd offered advice which is what any recruitment advisor careers advisor would do. He didnt accept your guidance and probably didnt have a feel for what they wanted and were looking for anyway. Now uour friend wants you to approach this company and secure her indolent partner an interview ! That's not the way things are done its not any of your business why his application has been not short listed. What he can do is ask the company for feedback. Its up to him to apply for jobs and certainly not his partners business to intervene or yours. You've helped , youve gone beyond
Jobs are awarded on merit to the best candidate this guy needs to motivate himself to find work and they need to sort themselves out its not your problem. You tell this crazy woman, you are happy to write a character reference and that is all.

It was mostly done via my friend - I didn't ever talk to him directly about it. She rang me initially, saying that he was really interested in the job and they had wondered if I could help with some advice. I offered to talk to him about it directly on the phone, but she said he wasn't available so I sent a couple of emails with detailed written advice and the offer to check the application before he sent it. She copied me into the emails that she forwarded to him, but the direct contact between me and him was when he forwarded me his application after submitting it. I found that slightly odd at the time, tbh, as it was a bit pointless sending it to me at that point, but I thought maybe he was just doing it as a courtesy or something. Then I read it, and didn't know what to say because I didn't think it was a strong application, so I just emailed him back to wish him luck and that was that. Until yesterday, when my friend rang me with the outcome and asked me to intervene.

So it's possible, I suppose, that he didn't ever want the help at all and that my friend was overstepping? Who knows?!

Well honestly youve been lovely and I think it's now on her to come back to you (if she does). You apologised even though you didnt need to and so ball is in her court. I wouldn't be rushing to initiate anything

Your friend is being massively unreasonable and owes you an apology.

Personally I'd send her a message along the lines of:

"Sarah*, I found your message really upsetting. I went out of my way to help your DP with information about the job, I gave him tips on what to write in his covering letter and application, and offered to check his application before he sent it. Not only did he not take me up on this offer, he also ignored all the advice I gave him and included very little of the important information in his application. Is there any reason he chose to ignore this?"

*whatever her name is.

Is it bad to just leave things as they are or is that ghosting her?

No, it's fine. I would either just send a quick reply along the lines 'Sorry to hear you feel that way, all the best for the future' or not reply at all and just leave her on read.

The ball is in her court now. She's been incredibly rude to you so it's up to her to try and make amends if she wants to.

its sounds possible......

Why can't you just be direct and say 'who the f do you think I am to dictate to a different company what to do? Chinese government?' or equally honestly 'I am afraid that if I tried to do that, they would think me crazy, the word will get out and I shall become unemployable.'

clueless and rude. no way, but even more no way as he ignored your advice on his application- not someone who id recommend for anything!

OP, your friend doesn't respect you. She used you. If she respected you, or held you and your expertise in high regard she could never treat you as she did. She should be angry at her dh, right? She should be asking him why he didn't take your advice or ask you some questions. I would distance myself at this point and phase the friendship out, ie Sorry, can't meet. Swamped with work atm.
If ever asked by her again about your help then lay it out. He didn't follow my advice last time or take me up on my offer to talk and then you blamed me that he didn't get an interview. I'm not going to help again.

The company needs the best person for the job, not someone who knows someone.

Your “friend” is angry at the wrong person- she should be furious with her DH for not accepting help - the line “ he wasn’t available to talk” rang alarm bells for me - if he really wanted to do well wouldn’t you make time to talk?!?

I would send friend a message.

**Actually friend I find the comment “ you let us down” really inappropriate. I don’t work for company x or have anything to do with their recruitment which you know of.

I offered help with what to write and offered to check the CV before submitting - both options were declined or not taken up. That was a choice that was made but that was the extent of all the help I could do. *

I’m too peri-menopausal to let the friend slide quietly after you did indeed help.

I guess because I'm a people pleaser and a bit rubbish at confrontation.

I'm quite annoyed with myself in hindsight for apologising to her being unwilling to do what she was asking me to do. I did know at the time that her request wasn't reasonable but I always feel really bad when I have to say no to people. Plus she caught me off guard and the word "sorry" somehow came out before I had really had a chance to think about how to respond.

@NotFeelingGuilty , I don't think you've been unreasonable at all.

As I'm feeling slightly generous, I'll give your friend some grace and say this is misplaced anger. She's probably at the point where she's so desperate for Mr I'll Ignore All Reasonable Advice to get a job.

Hopefully once she's settled down, she'll realise she's made a right title of herself amd apologise.

I'd be offended too @NotFeelingGuilty

If your friend says something again, say you offered to read his application before he applied to help strengthen it if needed. He sent it to you after submitting and it didn't contain any of your advice, that you put time and thought in to sending. Unfortunately it is extremely inappropriate, and most likely not even possible, for you to interfere with a recruitment process at a place you don't even work.

Recommending anyone for a job is a huge thing, as is intervening at all.

In this situation where your offer of advice was ignored I 100% wouldn't.

He's either arrogant or doesn't want the job, neither of which you want to be associated with.

Let the relationship drift.

Agree with others - you were right to hold your boundary. Even if you could influence the decision whether to interview him - given what you’ve said, I imagine he would have gone in ill prepared - which would have resulted both in him not being progressed, but could also make your judgement looked dodgy!!

Broken record with your friend "I offered the help I was able to, but your DH did not take my advice. There is nothing more I can do." And repeat. Your friend is desperate I would guess and is being unreasonable.

I think that's fine, it's normal to be polite and let people down gently. She was the one being rude asking you to do something unreasonable.

If she does come to her senses and apologise you could point out that it didn't look as though he had taken your advice.

I think you're almost certainly right that she is probably super stressed and not thinking straight. She sounded a bit desperate, which did make me feel bad.. but that obviously didn't change the fact that I couldn't do what she wanted me to do.