AIBU to refuse to intervene in a friend's job application?

[NotFeelingGuilty]

I have name changed as this may be outing, but have been around for years.

I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years. We are not close but meet up every couple of months for coffee/lunch.

Her partner has been unemployed for a few months. I have been aware that she is stressing about finances and I have sympathy for her position. I have only met him a handful of times and not for many years. Anyway, around 3 weeks ago, he decided to apply for a job at a company that is well known to me, as I know the sector and am friendly with the CEO and a few of the other staff. Friend approached me for help.

I offered a lot of detailed advice based on my knowledge of how the company operates, what makes them tick etc. I also offered to read through the CV and covering letter before he submitted it, so that he could get some feedback. (Friend knows that I have done a lot of recruitment over the years.) He didn't take me up on the offer, which was fine...it was just an offer. He did later send me a copy of the letter that he had submitted, and it was clear that he had ignored most of the advice that I had given him. Again, that was fine - it was his application and he did it in the way that he saw fit. Totally fair enough.

He found out yesterday that he didn't get shortlisted for the job. Unsurprising, in my view, given the quality of his CV and the lack of tailoring in his covering letter, but obviously disappointing for him. I do understand that being unemployed is very stressful and that recruitment processes can be brutal.

However, my friend rang me yesterday and asked me to intervene with the hiring manager on his behalf to see if I could persuade them to offer him an interview. I refused, because it isn't my business to interfere in another company's recruitment process and there wasn't much evidence that he would be any good at the job in any case, so I was not really willing to put my own reputation on the line for someone who hadn't actually bothered to take advantage of the help that I had already freely offered.

Friend is furious with me and says that she feels really let down. She says that I know how anxious she has been about him being unemployed and thought that, as a friend, I would be happy to help.

From my perspective, I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough, but surely it wasn't reasonable after that to come back expecting me to fix the problem?

I really don't think I have been unreasonable here, have I?

You're right, although the reality is, I don't think my intervention would have made the blindest bit of difference in any case. I did try to explain that but she was upset that I wouldn't at least try.

I am honestly the most helpful person you could meet. But even I say that you did more than enough and were incredibly kind!

I think we are talking at cross purposes here - I implied that she she had, and you confirmed to her, this idea of you being omnipotent and being able to impact other companies' hiring - that is all. I did not mean people-pleasing at all. As in 'I can't because I am too unimportant', not 'I can't because it is unprofessional'.

I think you friend probably has a good idea about her partners lack of effort / arrogance when it comes to applying for jobs and worries that he’s not going to be able to get a new job by his own efforts . She probably pinned her hopes on you being able to help him. She asked for your advice to be able to pass it onto him, he ignored the advice the only hope she has left is for you to put in a good word to get him an interview.
She pushed you out of desperation, doesn’t make it right though. Sounds like he would muck up an interview anyway so whatever she tries to do won’t work sadly and now she’s spoilt your friendship.

You offered……he declined…..he didn’t get short listed……that’s tough but he should learn from this and use it to strengthen his next application.

Oh ok, I see what you mean. As stated above, I did tell her very clearly that it wouldn't make any difference even if I did intervene, but she was annoyed that I wouldn't at least try. I'm certainly under no illusions that I could have changed the outcome - it isn't the kind of company to deviate from due process.

You should ask her why she doesn't contact the hiring manager - as neither of you work there you would have the same authority - maybe then she can see she's being beyond unreasonable

Absolutely YANBU and I say that as someone whose husband has just started working after 18 months of looking, having been made redundant.

We did have friends calling with "I've heard there may be an opening at X" and one friend did introduce DH to her CEO who was hiring for his speciality but I didn't phone her and demand she get her CEO to reconsider after she decided not to move forward with using his expertise....!

I imagine she's probably fairly stressed and worried, so perhaps cut her some slack. She may realise she's been (very) unreasonable and apologised when she's had some time to ponder....

I would think that your friend is terrified of the future with her husband unemployed and unable to contribute to living expenses.
I bet she carries all the mental load already and is frantic to solve the looming crisis when savings run out.

The fear and stress has made her put all her trust and faith in you to help him. Maybe she already suspect's he isn’t a perfect candidate and she feels rather humiliated in front of you that he was turned down.

The fact that she asked you to intervene in the hiring process of a company you don’t even work for, demonstrates the level of her desperation and recklessness to get him a job.

Sadly, she has humiliated herself further by asking you the impossible. She probably can’t process any of it for now…until things settle back into some sort of normal, with him earning.
So I wouldn’t pursue the friendship for now.
You were generous and very kind to help in the way you did. You did nothing to deserve the fury aimed at you. She just isn’t thinking straight.
Try to let it go for now OP.

The fact her husband did not want to talk to you directly and heed your wise advice just shows what kind of an employee he would be. Its obvious she is venting at you as she must be so frustrated with his poor behaviour. Deep down she will know he really wasn't that interested in getting a job anyway. I'd give a wide birth - you don't need this kind of drama after doing a good deed that he chose to completely ignore.

I would put this down to it being a very stressful time for them - though obviously it does not excuse it it might go some way to explaining it.

I would message and say that I understand it's a difficult time but that I did offer a significant amount of help with the prep work to secure an interview, which was almost entirely declined (I wonder if she actually knows he didn't bother?), then add that I don't really have a relationship with the hiring manager nor am privy to the final selection process therefore that it wouldn't have been at all professionally appropriate to intervene at a stage when interview selection had already been made.

I'd wish them the best but not expect to hear from them again to be honest, or care that much if I did as it doesn't sound like a close relationship.

You did nothing wrong, quite the opposite. If he didn't want to accept help he can't complain about not being offered an interview. If his application wasn't strong enough for that initial stage he was hardly going to have actually got the job. That's nothing to do with you.

My partner's brother once put a good word in for their mother when she was applying for a a part time job in a restaurant. She just wanted to work a few hours. I think he knew the staff.

She didn't even last until the end of the shift. Walked out citing too much technology, e.g. the tills and ways of customers paying. The poor guy was furious and embarrassed.

Separately, my cousin desperately wanted to join the same industry as my sister about 20 years ago, and kept on at her to "get" her a job in the industry. The girl could hardly read. My sister flat-out refused. I don't think there was much she could have done, anyway!

Some people are just lazy.

This

She sounds desperate and stressed and she has allowed her emotions to override her sensibilities.

I wouldn't do anything about this atm. Leave it with her. In time she'll come to understand that she was unreasonable about this...and if she doesn't, the friendship is over anyway.

Reckon he sent it to you after applying because she was on at him constantly asking if he'd sent it, so he did to shut her up. I'll bet he never wanted your advice and that neither of them even read it.

I see, sorry, now I see.

Quite possibly!

I think this is spot on - she's desperate, she's starting to panic and she almost certainly isn't thinking straight.

Thank you all for helping me to process this. I will put the whole thing down to my friend losing the plot a bit because she is so horribly stressed, and I won't take anything too personally. You have all helped to confirm my initial instinct that I wasn't being unreasonable. Whether or not the friendship will ever recover, only time will tell.

Not at all. You did as much as you needed to. And by not taking any of it onboard, he proves he's not the kind of person you'd even stake your professional reputation on.

What she really wanted was for you to do the work to get him the job. Like, call them up and tell them they need to give him the job. Which is batshit crazy.

What you have done is sufficient. You provided constructive information and insight.
To intervene by pleading on his behalf would affect your standing and reputation, not to mention raise valid questions over your own judgment.
You have already given up time to help and made a significant contribution to his chances; the fact he chose to ignore it is rather telling in terms of his character. He knows better,,doesn't like being instructed, feels he knows better....the list goes on.

DO NOT be guilt tripped to intervene further.
Explain to your friend that you have done as much as you can, but there are professional boundaries at Play and you have to abide by them.

If she can't accept you have already been generous with your time and knowledge, then she's probably as stubborn and narrow minded as her husband.

Bloody hell, no. He doesn't sound very bright, either not valuing your input or not being capable of implementing your advice. I wouldn't put my reputation on the line for someone that lacking.

You tried to help but he obviously felt he knew better. I wonder what the quality of his other applications have been. Might be time for your 'friend' to hear some hard truths.

Your friend was and is still taking advantage of you, you offered as much help as you reasonably could have and it wasn't taken. How could you be expected to put a word in for someone you don't really know. It is an unfair position to put you on. You ate not to blame for his lack of career.

A very generous reading of the situation on your part.. Personally I think she reads like an Uber Controller who's ramrodding her partner into something she wants , so he's reacted with pass - agg and deliberately undermined his application. You've found out that no good deed goes unpunished.