AIBU to refuse to intervene in a friend's job application?

[NotFeelingGuilty]

I have name changed as this may be outing, but have been around for years.

I have a friend who I've known for about 10 years. We are not close but meet up every couple of months for coffee/lunch.

Her partner has been unemployed for a few months. I have been aware that she is stressing about finances and I have sympathy for her position. I have only met him a handful of times and not for many years. Anyway, around 3 weeks ago, he decided to apply for a job at a company that is well known to me, as I know the sector and am friendly with the CEO and a few of the other staff. Friend approached me for help.

I offered a lot of detailed advice based on my knowledge of how the company operates, what makes them tick etc. I also offered to read through the CV and covering letter before he submitted it, so that he could get some feedback. (Friend knows that I have done a lot of recruitment over the years.) He didn't take me up on the offer, which was fine...it was just an offer. He did later send me a copy of the letter that he had submitted, and it was clear that he had ignored most of the advice that I had given him. Again, that was fine - it was his application and he did it in the way that he saw fit. Totally fair enough.

He found out yesterday that he didn't get shortlisted for the job. Unsurprising, in my view, given the quality of his CV and the lack of tailoring in his covering letter, but obviously disappointing for him. I do understand that being unemployed is very stressful and that recruitment processes can be brutal.

However, my friend rang me yesterday and asked me to intervene with the hiring manager on his behalf to see if I could persuade them to offer him an interview. I refused, because it isn't my business to interfere in another company's recruitment process and there wasn't much evidence that he would be any good at the job in any case, so I was not really willing to put my own reputation on the line for someone who hadn't actually bothered to take advantage of the help that I had already freely offered.

Friend is furious with me and says that she feels really let down. She says that I know how anxious she has been about him being unemployed and thought that, as a friend, I would be happy to help.

From my perspective, I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough, but surely it wasn't reasonable after that to come back expecting me to fix the problem?

I really don't think I have been unreasonable here, have I?

Does your friend know that he ignored your advice about his CV and covering letter?

The cousin of a bloke who worked for my company applied repeatedly for the same role. One of our directors queried the fact that we turned down his application.

The man had submitted an identical CV after a two year gap with the date of his current employer updated. That was it. The guy had a perfect opportunity to tailor his application to us and made fuck all effort.

His cousin was wise enough not to endorse his slacker relative. The director concerned described him as a young man "needing a bit of a push".

As if we were looking to adopt or mentor, not employ.

Who you recommend can really damage your own credo.

hmmm unreasonable to refuse? No
but...well... did you tell the friend why you were refusing? Not just its not your business which is fine, but the bit about "I offered advice and it wasn't taken" I think it would be unkind and unnecessary to say that bit but maybe you didn't?

I prefer not to lie to people. Especially when that lie could come back to bite me. The OP’s friend is already pressuring her to intervene in the hiring practices of a company the OP doesn’t even work for, I wouldn’t put it past her to contact that company using OP’s name if she thinks the OP is in her corner.

Thats ok- not everyone has to be the same but appreciating that people are different is pretty standard and not that interesting

I always find it interesting that some people prefer to lie in order to avoid pretty standard levels of discomfort. It makes me wonder how many lies rack up over time.

Of course you can't get him an interview. Your friend is nuts.

I probably would’ve just lied and said you’d had a word with the hiring manager

OP should absolutely not do that. Her professional reputation matters and she shouldn't do anything to put it at risk. People talk and word does get around; she could never be sure it wouldn't come back on her.

Absolutely not unreasonable @NotFeelingGuilty - you did what you could, which was more than a lot of others would have done.

As you say yourself, it is your professional reputation and judgment here - it could have caused a serious impact on that and your own credibility if you persisted in intervening inappropriately. Your friend needs to funnel her frustration elsewhere, certainly not at you.

Just say you asked and they said they'd think about it. Off the hook!

Definitely not unreasonable. I've offered application advice before, and that's all. I wouldn't intervene more, he's not a child he needs to take responsibility for his own job applications for better or worse. Rejection is part of the process and you always learn something even though it's hard, he can't expect you to sort this out.

I was happy to help, and he chose not to accept the help that was on offer. Which was fair enough, but surely it wasn't reasonable after that to come back expecting me to fix the problem?

This is what you need to say to your friend.

YANBU at all.

But there are people around whose ethics shock me, I must say. I can remember, in an office job I did while I was a PhD student, that an office colleague asked me how her husband could falsify his degree certificate to show he'd been awarded a 2. i.

He didn't even come remotely near interview standard regardless of knowing he'd not moved in two years, and I was the hiring director.

The other director was in ill favour already because of his continuous bad judgement. The HR manager used to be his mum, for god's sake!

So I didn't have any problems saying, "no, he didn't make the shortlist".

I don't think you'll be going for your coffees together anymore. But tbh, no great loss if this is how she behaves.
You've been a good friend, she isn't being a good friend in return.

I'd just say yeah I spoke to them and they said he should have done xyz (things that you advised him to and he ignored) so there's nothing that can be done at this point.

It went to someone who did do those things.

Or just say you tried to ask them but they said it was confidential and you couldn't discuss their recruitment decisions.

Then don't give any advice or help again!

Who the hell voted YABU?

OP, you DID help. He chose to be Billy Big Balls and ignore you - I bet they didn't thank you for your advice or time.

This!

You offered as much help as you could do, within professional boundaries. Of course you can't go campaigning to get him shortlisted!
If your place is like ours, you would be kept well away from recruitment that involved an application from him.
Tell your friend you have offered the help but can do no more. If she falls out with you over it, well it is her loss.

What's she's asking of you is completely inappropriate.

I would be straight and say he didn’t follow your advice for the CV and cover letter so why would you do this for him now? He wasn’t shortlisted because he ignored you.

Ignore both of them. Not a true friend.

Gosh, thank you for all of the replies - very reassuring to read! I really didn't think I had been unreasonable but my friend was so upset with me that I was actually starting to second guess myself.

A lot of people have asked if my friend is aware that her partner disregarded my advice. I'm not 100% sure tbh - I haven't pointed it out, but she definitely saw my original advice because I sent it to her email before he applied so that she could forward on to him. I assume that she must have also seen his CV and covering letter but I guess it's possible that she might not have done.

She does definitely know that I offered to check the CV/letter before he submitted them because again, the offer was made through her. She also knows that he didn't take up that offer.

I don't really want to say anything directly to her about the fact that he didn't take the advice - the help was offered without strings attached, and he chose not to take it, which was his prerogative. It had not occurred to me that he might have been deliberately trying to sabotage his application - I had the impression that he was genuinely interested in the job, but I guess there is a real possibility that he didn't actually want it after all. I don't know him well enough to be able to judge this, really.

Interested to see some people saying that I should have lied and pretended that I had spoken to the company. It didn't actually occur to me to do that, and I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing so.

Going forward, I'm not really interested in any further confrontation, and I feel a bit differently about the whole friendship now, so I'm inclined to just let this one drift. I certainly won't be initiating any more coffees or lunches myself, and I can't imagine her initiating anything either after our conversation yesterday. Is it bad to just leave things as they are or is that ghosting her? Don't really want to kick her when she's already down by contacting her to formally "end" the friendship. She knows how to contact me if she wants to apologise.

I think it was reasonable that you offered your advice during the application process ,he declined your advice.
I think it reasonable you dont want to interfere now.
When your friend asked you to intervene did you ask why if he completely disregarded the advice you gave him he'd want your interventions now ?

To be fair, she did thank me for the advice when I first sent it through. He didn't, even though she copied me in to the email when she forwarded it to him, so I guess he could have done if he had wanted to.