DH has just revealed that he has nothing to show from 30k inheritance

[Booboomylove]

My DH and I have been together for 5.5 years and married for just over 6 months. We both own our homes and he moved in with me after a year together. His house is currently rented out. I like to think that I’m quite good with money eg getting the best mortgage rate etc, however he has ‘owned’ his home since 2006 and only ever had an interest only mortgage, on a variable rate which has sky rocketed over the last few years. The house is now rented out which at least covers the mortgage and we are going to cut losses and sell.
Last night we were talking about inheritance as a blended family and he said he thought it would go 3 ways between his adult DS, my teenage DD and his DS’s son (age 8). I said no that’s not right, your grandson will get his inheritance via your son, I didn’t get anything directly from my grandparents, did you? DH said yes 15 years ago I got 30k from my Nan!
We have been together 5+ years and I didn’t know this, also we have always discussed how skint we’ve been in the past and it’s like a shared experience that we are respectful of.

Anyway, he is refusing to tell me what happened to the 30k, he says it’s none of my business whereas I think it is something I ought to know about him as his wife eg is he an absolute idiot with money? He’s gone to bed in a mood.

Not financially intelligent she says to the person who retired twenty years early and is living the high life in France after starting out homeless and penniless at age 17.

Buying a house with someone else is one of the biggest financial decisions and risks you take in your life. I know all about risk in property having bought both before and after the crash. In all, I have built 2 houses and owned 6 houses.

It’s taught me that the real risk in buying property is not within anyone’s control. Property values are driven by large economic winds.

Combing through someone’s spending of a small sum of money over 15 years ago, ten years before they even met you isn’t going to affect the risk of a house purchase today. Who he was then isn’t who he is now. Decisions you’d take today are not relevant to what was a good decision then.

I don’t think his refusal to comply with this deep dive audit is a red flag, I think the intrusive and critical nature of OP wanting that information is the red flag.

An IO mortgage isn’t always a bad investment. In a climate of low and reducing interest rates which was true in the early 2000s it can be a smart way to fully leverage rising property values for minimum investment. You keep all the increase in equity even though you don’t pay down the principal. The extra you would have paid towards the mortgage can be redirected into pension savings or other investments that could outperform property value increases or be a way to diversify in case property values fall or stagnate so not all your retirement eggs are in the one basket of a house. Too many people put all their eggs in the family home. My home is my retirement fund they’d say smugly until 2008 when the crash happened and they couldn’t sell to downsize and then use freed equity to fund their retirement.

An IO mortgage can be a financial error if you are using it to purchase a house you cannot afford and/or you intend to never sell it.

“Who he was then isn’t who he is now.”

Maybe it isn’t, maybe it is. He should still answer the question, he can either confirm that he thinks he was silly to fritter it away (if that’s what he did) or say that he has no regrets as he enjoyed himself or another kind of answer. In any case, it will still enlighten the op as to his attitude towards money.

PS asking how he spent a chunk of money really isn’t a “deep dive”, it’s a simple question.

And none of her business.

It’s her business if she’s financially tied to him.

I wouldn't say you have a 'right' to know what he did with the £30k, but I also don't understand why he's been evasive about it, why not just say. He brought it up in the first place after all. It's not a huge amount in the grand scheme of things and he could have spent a few grand a year for a decade and then it's gone. Or he could have gambled it or made bad investments or something.

As for the split of inheritance, I'd say it depends. I'd have worked out how much money each of you had going in to the marriage and then split it by that %. I know people are saying 50/50 but if one of you had a lot more money than the other, then one of the kids is getting short changed just because their dad/mum got re-married. You're totally right about the money for his grandkid should come out of his son's share though.

I'd be more concerned that he's gone to bed in a mood ! Is he not able to have a calm discussion about "difficult" topics?

But you are not him and it was 10 years before you even met
Im sure we all look back and wish we had done things a different way thats the beauty of growing older and wiser but maybe whatever he spent it on he has no regrets who knows
Its nothing to do with you and he didnt have to tell you so stop giving him a hard time

It’s not. She wasn’t financially tied to him at the time, she hadn’t even met him.

Then inherited amount. 50 % to your dd 25% each to his son and grandson if that's what he wants to do

But she is now and it’s important to know how someone you’re financially tied to behaves with money.

So why can’t he just say “I spent it all on x but I can see now that was a waste / I don’t regret it because I was young and enjoyed myself (delete as appropriate)”. It’s the refusal to say that’s the problem, not what he actually did with it.

It's absolutely not your business. I can't fathom why you think what money he received a decade before you met is something he should be accountable to you for.

And if he plans to leave some assets to his grandchild that is also a decision he can make without your interference.

Are you so controlling in other areas?

The time to do that is before you marry them, not interrogate them about their expenditure before you met. It’s a bit late to start after you’re married.

I agree on finding out before marriage but this is new information that she had no chance to ask about beforehand.

Most crucially it sounds like perhaps he is not on op’s house deeds yet (unclear from posts) because he’s going to sell his place to contribute to hers. She also hasn’t yet made a will since being married to him. So his explanation about what he did with the money may actually be extremely relevant to her decision making.

Sorry, I just read the update that says you want to use his equity for renovating your house.

So either you're fully in it together and making everything joint assets or you're taking advantage, no? Because if he's owned the house 20 years it will have dramatically increased in value so there'll be a healthy chunk of cash there when it gets sold.

This! There have been many periods over the last 20 years where he could have converted the interest only to a repayment mortgage. Monumentally foolish not to have done so in order to save a few hundred quid a month. Especially having received a 30K windfall.

If he got the inheritance 10 years ago and you have only married him 5 years ago, while not going as far as to say it has nothing to do with you, I would just say 'That is long gone dear", it will be too, it isn't a great sum of money and it would be difficult to say exactly where it went, especially over the space of 4 or 5, whatever it is number of years, he won't even know himself unless he analysed every band statement?

Monumentally foolish not to have done so in order to save a few hundred quid a month. Especially having received a 30K windfall.

Base rate in 2006 was between 4.5% and 5%. If he borrowed £500k at 5%, the monthly difference on IO and a 25 year repayment mortgage would be c£900, obviously less if he borrowed less.

I have no idea of his finances, but after a divorce/separation and with a child to support, he may not have had the extra “few hundred quid” a month.

.

It happened to me. I bought a house on 2007 with zero deposit and it depreciated. I lost 30,000. It does happen.

It would have appreciated between 2007 and now though I’m sure, even if depreciated at one point - when did you sell it?

2021. Appreciate it wint happen to everyone but it does happen. Interest only mortgages are a gamble. Which is what would put me off someone who had one for such a long time. My exh talked me into it and he was a gambler. Had to sell it when we separated so wasn't an option to wait.

I agree. It was 15 years ago he got the inheritance and it was gone by the time he got together with OP. Theres an argument to be had that he’s a wally for not paying it off his mortgage but given that he decided not to he has subsequently spent £30K over a 10 year period. That’s £57 a week on average.

I had a £60K lump sum when I had to give up work due to my illness seven years ago and it’s long gone. I’m quite a frugal person but it just went on life - food, bills, car maintenance, stuff for the house, DCs’ birthdays and christmases etc.

Why have you married this loser?
To hand him half your daughters home?
Why would you do this?
Interest only morgage?
Could he owe money on it?

He is a sulker when you ask why he pissed his inheritance away?
Why did you marry him and make such a spectacularly poor decision?

It was too long ago for you to have a say in it. He spent 30k in 10 years. That's 3k a year...hardly a Kings ransome.

Maybe he wasted it on fun stuff but that's his prerogative as he wasn't with you and was presumably young and wanted to have fun.