Is this fair? Dh and holidays

[Emmathedrama]

Every year it’s the same old.

We say we are going on holiday, but dh does absolutely none of the work in finding and researching where to go.

I must admit that I am probably way more fussy than dh. Dh says he doesn’t mind where we go. But I feel like in reality he probably would mind if we ended up somewhere horrible because I hadn’t researched properly.

Dh would just look at a few photos and go with wherever had the biggest swimming pool.

He also can’t remember anywhere we’ve been. So if for example I ask if he fancies going back to Rhodes. He will look all sheepish because he can’t remember which one was Rhodes. He doesn’t know where in the world anywhere is and has no interest in looking on a map.

It’s the same if we are going in the UK. I’m the one who looks up all the daytrips and puts things into google maps to see how far they are.

I feel your frustration op. I’ve been married almost 38 years and DH has never organised a single holiday. He says it’s because he’s not bothered whether we go away or not.

The problem is I do sometimes arrange a break with my friends or now adult children and when I tell him he does his sad face like he has been excluded.
Infuriating!

I’ve literally just done some bookings for stuff within a bigger holiday with a complicated itinerary.

I’m the booker/planner in our relationship. DP did say, just now, which I was pleased about, that he appreciated what I was doing. There was recognition that things don’t magically happen.

It’s not the hill I’m choosing to die on. I’m literally better than him at this stuff and it likely wouldn’t happen if I didn’t do it. Or certainly not in time. He’s fun to go away with, and I want to.

Conversely, he’s cooking dinner as write - because he’s better than me at that.
And when the holiday arrives, he’ll be doing all the driving (and there’s a lot) because I’ve become phobic about it, basically, and keep procrastinating about getting refresher lessons.

So, stuff evens out …

I must admit that I am probably way more fussy than dh. Dh says he doesn’t mind where we go. But I feel like in reality he probably would mind if we ended up somewhere horrible because I hadn’t researched properly.

Yes, and I bet you would mind if he didn't pick somewhere you liked! You're the fussy one, so you either need to do the legwork yourself, or accept somewhere you might not have chosen yourself.

Careful what you wish for yes he would book it but clearly doesn’t care where he goes do would book the 1st thing he come across
which I doubt you’d be happy with

Just realised I'm a "Mrs Margarita" as well 😂

Currently on roadtrip holiday in America, dh has done all the planning, bookings (flights & hotels), done all the driving, refuelling, day trip plans, restaurant reservations, show reservations. Called ubers. Flying back today, he's checked me in 😂

In return I've dealt with the packing, made tea for when we are in the car, suggested a few places to eat along the way that look nice, added my boarding ticket to my wallet.

He has refused to carry his wallet so I pay for things when we are out, we have fully joint finances so not a problem. The waiters struggle with it though.

Play to your strengths!
Im the organiser, I find destinations, flights at a good price and time, hotels, excursions and everything in between.
Like you I got slightly annoyed to always have to do this (especially as I was working and he was semi retired) so tasked him with finding a hotel in the city we were travelling to.
Criteria:
within the centre so we could easily access the sights;
included breakfast (as he doesn’t like paying extra)
within x budget
accessible from the airport by bus or train
He was 😳 at the idea and I guided him to tripadviser and local guides as a starting point and on return from work found long detailed lists of hotels which he wanted to go through with me!
I said “no” just tell me the ones that meet the criteria I don’t want to hear about the others! There were only a few! But he understood the complexity and is very admiring of my skills.
Weaponised incompetence?
Maybe.
But reality is he doesn’t have the skills to do this task and I do actually enjoy doing it so have pulled back on that.
He’s very good at manhandling the suitcases and other “blue” jobs
so I’ve accepted it’s within my skill set and maybe Im a bit of a control
freak with holidays anyway? 🤷‍♀️

My dad happily said we'd never go anywhere if my mum didn't arrange it! My husband is the same, both mum and me just sorted it and almost always had a lovely time. I think you'll find you're not alone in having to do this or spend the summer at home!

You get to go where you want, how bad is that ?

You care a lot more than him about where you holiday. You have the option to just randomly book somewhere that feels vaguely nice and not worry, or to insist that he does it, but you won't because you really care about where you go. What are you seeking? For him to make the bookings? What would you do if he did and you disliked the holiday you went on?

I do the research and choose the place, DH books based on my instructions. I'm happy with that as I get to go where I want to buy don't have to do all the booking. Weren't we are there I do the itinerary and all the driving and talking as DH is rubbish at languages and I don't like his driving!

I book all our holidays, but that suits us. I don't cut the grass ! We are a team, some things I do somethings he does, somethings we do together !

OP, it really depends on your general arrangements. For years I did all of the holiday research work but I only worked part time and my husband worked very long hours. Now we are retired my husband discusses it with me and in the last few years he has had some great ideas.
I think if you are just going to stay in one hotel and not leave it very much, then it is not so important where you go.

I'm curious to know how a relationship would work if both people were the "organise holidays" type. I genuinely think that most couples just have one person who does it.

We have a little bit of negotiation about general location, but I do the rest of it. My DH does other stuff that I'd rather not do, so it all works out equitably.

I’ll swap with you, OP!

My DO drives an HGV and if you so much as mention a place in casual conversion, you get “ah yes, M6 j4, swing a left there, then chuck a right, services are Moto / Welcome Break, foods ok, toilets are grim, did I tell you I helped a guy with jump leads there about 5 years ago, think he was called Dave, came from Blackpool way.That’s up the M55, tricky little junction” and on..and on!

He’s the complete opposite of your DH, so be careful what you wish for - or I’ll send “Sat-Nav Steve” round😁

I’m like your DH. I don’t care where I end up so he does it all. You said you’re fussy so maybe he thinks if he organises something you’ll not like it

It matters more to you than to him, and it's a once or twice a year task. I wouldn't care about this tbh.

You get to choose, and you're the one who has high standards, and wants to do loads of research.

If he can't remember where you went, you could just go back to your favourite places.

I do all of this too, but I am the fussy one. The rule is I do all of the holiday organising, but when we get there, he picks out things to do and restaurants etc. He's not an organised person but gets into it all once we're there.

'Not minding' isn't an excuse to leave it all to someone else if that someone else would value some input and effort.

Mine’s similar, he says I’m the fussy one so I have to organise everything (that goes for any “fun” things not just holidays). Drives me mad.

that said, he definitely knows where things are on a map and knows where we have been. But then again we’ve done all kinds of things on holidays and there aren’t really two places we’ve been that could be deemed similar.

I am like your husband. My husband does all the research, booking etc etc and I show up.
If it was up to me I'd not go on holiday but every year I get hassled and eventually, under duress and guilt, I agree to go.
My attitude is if he wants to go, then he can sort it all out.

I think this is normal in most relationships isn’t it? It is in mine except I’m the one who just turns up at the airport passport in hand with no clue where we’re going.
Though I do pack for me and the kids so that’s my contribution

On one hand I wish dh was more engaged with it but on the other hand, if he was, researching and choosing (and arguing!) would be even more hard work and stress. I spend more time researching and planning and thinking about my holidays than I do actually on them, it’s ridiculous

his salary pays for most of them, so I can’t really complain

Be careful what you wish for! I am chief holiday booker in our house and on the odd occasion DH actually looks and suggests somewhere it’s either in the arse end of nowhere, has dreadful reviews, or the airport transfer takes longer than the flight. Happy to be a complete control freak when it comes to holidays.

I’m not into travelling. One beach is the same as any other beach, and one city is the same as any other city, as far as I’m concerned. I have no desire to visit a range of places. Maybe your husband is the same? If you’re the one that enjoys visiting new places then you should be the one to put in the work to decide where you want to go, sorry.