AIBU to ask my adult son to be quieter at home?

[Anditsyourcat]

Hi all, so my son is 27, he is living with us for 4 weeks while he is between rentals. We aren’t charging him any rent, but he is getting his own food etc.
This is the first time DS has spent any extended amount of time at home since he left for uni, between uni years he was often away travelling and then he got his own place.

Here is the issue we are only 2 weeks in, on Monday and Friday I don’t work and DS happens to work from home. I tend to go into town during the day but I don’t have a set list of things to do or activities, I may meet a friend, I might just nip to the shops, I might sit in the park for a while. I often don’t know until I’m actually out and about.

Now on 3 of the 4 Mondays and Fridays he’s been here, I’ve come home each time either to a girl in the house just leaving or on the last 2 to him having … let’s say very loud bedroom activities.
Im not a prude I don’t expect him to never have sex of course but I do think there should be some respect for days where I’m likely to be home and around, and the volume. Not to mention he probably shouldn’t be having girls round while he is meant to be working anyway!

Last night he had a girl over in the afternoon, I came home and was subjected to a fairly long period of them being quite noises. I debated knocking on the door but I didn’t want to embarrass him so I just put the TV on rather loud and tried to ignore it. Afterwards he and this girl spent some time in his room before going out for dinner I assume, he didn’t get back until very late.

This morning before he left for work I mentioned to him, that I would appreciate it if he kept the volume down in the future and was considerate of the fact I would be in and out of the house unpredictably on Mondays and Fridays. He told me he was sorry and seemed quiet and embarrassed. He’s now text me saying he feels I overreacted and he doesn’t feel comfortable coming back so he’s just going to stay with a friend for the last couple of weeks. DH agrees I overreacted and I’d have been better not to say anything since it’s just a 2 more weeks.

Was I unreasonable to mention it? I don’t feel I overreacted? Should I apologise?

Just as well if he stays somewhere else. Was it the same girl all the time or a procession? Hope his friends don't mind he doesn't pay.

ICK
If that kid - who’s a grown man as a matter of fact, cannot control his sexual urges in his parent’s home where he’s residing rent free for only 30 days, he’s got far bigger problems than making sex noises in his mum’s house that are SO LOUD she has to say something.

Wow that was a long sentence. My apologies.

I caught my dad cheating when I was 16 - just a baby, really.
I had only recently gotten my driving license and was taking Grandpa to get a haircut (our new thing) when I looked in the rearview mirror and saw my dad tailgating me.
It was terrifying.
Anyhow, I ended up apologising.
Yeah - it’s never made any sense to me, either.
But I always loved my dad.

Performative loud noises @Anditsyourcat, how can you be sure he isn't paying for it?

He's took the huff and moved out, don't let him come back.

He doesn't feel comfortable that you don't want to listen to his sex noises? And thinks you overreacted by pointing it out and asking him to be quiet? He's being a bit pathetic and entitled, as he expects you to either listen to it even though it makes you uncomfortable in your own home, or go out. Madness. You're allowed to share your feelings about his shitty behaviour in your own home, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like it if you were bringing people back to stag loudly while he was in

Ask him how he would feel if he came home to you and your DH having loud sex?

I completely agree and It’s only been 2 weeks so far!

If he can’t cope without sex for 2 whole weeks then he could at least have the decency to go to the woman’s home.

Could he not manage 4 weeks without shagging about in his parents’ house? I would find that so disrespectful OP, you absolutely did not overreact. And to have multiple strangers in your home without your consent is not on.

YANBU - I am team mum!

Jesus, that's just grim and classless. Even if he did it with the volume of a trappist monk, it's horrible to think of him having successivr women over for sex in such a perfunctory and soulless way, much less in his parents house.

This @Anditsyourcat

I think prostitutes is a real stretch here.
Hook ups, casual or not, far more likely.

Either way, very poor, shabby behaviour.
I cannot even imagine on what planet your husband must be on to think this is reasonable behaviour in a decent home.

This really is how I imagine low class people behave, and rear their children to conduct themselves.

With absolutely no decency, consideration and basic respect for their parents or others.

I have young adults, a bit entitled, a bit selfish, a bit self absorbed, and definitely needing to be reminded of what is expected of them occasionally......but this is a whole other level.

If my husband undermined me on this, he would so fxxking regret it.

He should be mortified that he was so loud his mother had to overhear him in her own home. (I'd have thought that would be such a libido-killer that he'd have been less 'enthusiastic' for the next few days, anyway!)

If your son has somewhere else to stay, it won't hurt him to stay there instead, if he prefers. It's his own fault if he's too embarrassed to come back home for a while. No way would I apologise. He should be the one making amends.

Fucking cheeky bastard. You are allowed to feel comfortable in your own house and he should be ashamed to have disturbed you. It’s your home, not the local knocking shop.

If the roles were reversed would he mind you bringing a host of random men into the house and having loud sex with them?

Did you have loud sex when he was growing up and in the house? Bet you didn’t!

He has been very disrespectful, but then look at his father. I’d be furious with your husband.

He can save his singleton adventures for when he has his old place. I bet he’ll be ashamed when he looks back on his behaviour in a few years,

I wouldn’t apologise but I would say he is welcome to stay any time as long as you do have to hear him having sex with a random selection of women!

DH agrees I overreacted and I’d have been better not to say anything since it’s just a 2 more weeks.

DH can think what he likes*. He wasn't he one who had to hear it/come home to it.

*Although I have my doubts about someone who can take that attitude. DS was being extremely disrespectful to you (and his employer). But 'D'H thinks you should just put up with it.

You were absolutely in the right ,he was totally disrespectful. Tell him if he cannot be more respectful you are happy that he chosen to live elsewhere.

Is he now WFH where he’s sofa surfing, OP? That’s a big ask of his friends. TBH, I wouldn’t be happy with a friend moving in and being here 24/7, and never heading out to work.

He only WFH two days a week and can go into the office. I’ve spoken to him today and he told me the friends name and I’m pretty sure it’s the girl he had over (unless he happens to have a friend of the exact same name, which isn’t a common one). She lives closer to his office so he may just go in or she might prefer he is at home considering how they have filled his last few work from home days!

He’s out of order. Let him stay somewhere else.

You weren't being unreasonable, you mearly asked him to be a bit more respectful when in your home and given his reaction it was him that overreacted, he really needs to grow up, moving out because he didn't like being asked to be respectful is a bit much.

You mean don’t?

Yes!

How disrespectful of your son, and unsupportive of your husband!
Your son shouldn’t be bringing girls (plural) back, that’s disgusting, different if he had a steady girlfriend and she was popping in for lunch during his break and going again, but just shagging random women in YOUR house is horrible. What he does in his own place is up to him of course! As for being so noisy…. Gosh I think I’d have to walk back out of my own house rather than listen to that!
I think I’d have addressed it differently though, I’d probably not have mentioned the volumn but instead just said you didn’t really like him having girls over and could he just not have any over 2 weeks… I mean surely he can go without sex for 2 weeks.. if not I think he needs therapy!