AIBU to ask my adult son to be quieter at home?

[Anditsyourcat]

Hi all, so my son is 27, he is living with us for 4 weeks while he is between rentals. We aren’t charging him any rent, but he is getting his own food etc.
This is the first time DS has spent any extended amount of time at home since he left for uni, between uni years he was often away travelling and then he got his own place.

Here is the issue we are only 2 weeks in, on Monday and Friday I don’t work and DS happens to work from home. I tend to go into town during the day but I don’t have a set list of things to do or activities, I may meet a friend, I might just nip to the shops, I might sit in the park for a while. I often don’t know until I’m actually out and about.

Now on 3 of the 4 Mondays and Fridays he’s been here, I’ve come home each time either to a girl in the house just leaving or on the last 2 to him having … let’s say very loud bedroom activities.
Im not a prude I don’t expect him to never have sex of course but I do think there should be some respect for days where I’m likely to be home and around, and the volume. Not to mention he probably shouldn’t be having girls round while he is meant to be working anyway!

Last night he had a girl over in the afternoon, I came home and was subjected to a fairly long period of them being quite noises. I debated knocking on the door but I didn’t want to embarrass him so I just put the TV on rather loud and tried to ignore it. Afterwards he and this girl spent some time in his room before going out for dinner I assume, he didn’t get back until very late.

This morning before he left for work I mentioned to him, that I would appreciate it if he kept the volume down in the future and was considerate of the fact I would be in and out of the house unpredictably on Mondays and Fridays. He told me he was sorry and seemed quiet and embarrassed. He’s now text me saying he feels I overreacted and he doesn’t feel comfortable coming back so he’s just going to stay with a friend for the last couple of weeks. DH agrees I overreacted and I’d have been better not to say anything since it’s just a 2 more weeks.

Was I unreasonable to mention it? I don’t feel I overreacted? Should I apologise?

I don’t believe the women are prostitutes, I think it’s far more likely to be friends with benefits situations.
I don’t want this post to turn into something shaming him for having sex or anything like that. It’s about not being respectful of the fact I was home and could hear all. If he had been quiet I wouldn’t have cared.
I do think it’s a jump to go to prostitute, he’s been dating a l’or since his break up, no reason to assume it’s anything out of the ordinary.

Ask him how he’d feel if he had to listen to you and your husband having loud sex!

Him staying with a friend is a win/win - he can shag as many randomers as he likes and you don’t have to listen to it!

Urgh what kind of man brings random girls back to his mums house for loud sex? Absolutely repulsive

I’m not being disrespectful but not many people his age are free during the day on a weekday to go to someone’s home and have sex.

I’m judging him more on his disrespect of your home, rather than who the women are.

Why could he have not gone to their home instead.

It’s not normal for an adult to bring home people for sex to their parents homes.

They could be working from home, working shifts, students, on annual leave or unemployed. No reason to believe it’s prostitutes.

Bloody hell, you were entirely reasonable and measured to mention it in the way you did! DS and DH are being utterly pathetic!

I’d go one further and say to him not to have people in your house without telling you first!

It’s you house OP and he’s being disrespectful, it’s not as though he’s living with you full time, it’s just a few weeks. He should be respecting your home and your space.

Totally disrespectful, for 4 weeks he could just keep it in his pants (or go to hers!). Personally, I would have cheered VERY loudly at ,'the culmination' of the noise, just to make my point!!! Score cards may also be used !(However, i do understand this approach isn't for everyone! I have no shame 😂)

I'd say your request was handled well, his initial response was fine, his later response was probably an overreaction but his choice to make. (Another less extreme reaction could have been to continue the activity but be conscious and ask his quest to be conscious of the noise level, to move the activity to another location, or to just wait a couple of weeks before until he has his own place). As for your husband, unless he was home and heard the activity and genuinely thought it was not noisy, he should stay out of it. (And even then, it matters that you were disturbed even if others in the house were not.)

Whether your son was excessively noisy by anyone else's standards, he disturbed you multiple times and the only alternative to your speaking up as you did would be for you to suffer in silence, and that's not reasonable or fair. If he is embarrassed, I suspect it's because he does know he was being loud and was not very considerate about how that would effect you - but since he didn't realise that before the noise happened, it's a benefit that he now knows to consider it so he can avoid inconveniencing not just you but possibly neighbours or flatmates going forward.

I'd tell him yes, it is best he finds somewhere else to stay since he can't manage to behave in a respectful manner when sharing a home with someone else! How rude to bring strangers back without discussing it with you first, let alone the noisy shagging!

My son has a girlfriend who stays over. I told him I didn’t expect to hear sex noises 😀. He said he wouldn’t want me to hear them! If parents can be quiet so kids don’t hear their kids can do similar. I wouldn’t give it too much thought. It was fine for you to mention it. You could respond saying he is welcome to stay but think it was fine for you to say what you did. No need to be embarrassed but he wouldn’t want to hear you and your DH!

I would also not be overly happy with him bringing ons back. It’s still your house.

Not unreasonable,i wouldn’t wish to hear it either,you wouldn’t feel at peace in your own home.it is disrespectful.

He’s being inconsiderate. And a bit of an arsehole trying to put the blame back on you.

Your house, your rules.

My 2 haven’t lived at home for 10 and 12 years respectively, and when they do (infrequently), they treat my house with respect. It’s not a rule, it’s a mutual respect thing.

Even when they lived at home they would not have carried on the way your DS is (though we’d have discussed any expectation of an ‘event’ before it happened regardless) Sorry, but he’s taking the piss of your generosity to let him use your house as a shag pad whilst he’s there.

Don't apologise. Just hope he has a nice time staying at his mates (who will probably also let him know if he hears sex noises). It's very disrespectful to force other people to hear you having sex. He wouldn't want to hear his parents. I'm willing to bet your DH would be unhappy to overhear a daughter.

Tell him no girls over . It’s a few weeks he will survive

He’s taking the piss and sounds like different girls. So not a regular girlfriend

so yes he can go to friends and piss them off

could be really not go without sex for 4w whole staying with you ?

Don't make excuses for him @Anditsyourcat

Your son has returned home for 4 weeks, rent free and made you, his Mum, uncomfortable in her own home because he is totally unable to keep "it" in his pants?

YANBU in the slightest, what a man!

eta; completely and utterly agree with @Helpwithdivorce

I think his friend will mind the loud sex

YANBU

Your house, your rules. Absolutely not unreasonable to speak with him about his noise (loud sex, loud music or whatever) that is disturbing you unnecessarily in your home.

Do not apologise. I'm not sure what your DH is on about. DS is staying elsewhere now so that's fine. Just continue with your usual relationship with DS so this moment in time doesn't become a 'thing' between you.

You did nothing wrong..... but (I seem to be going against the grain here) maybe he hadn't realised how thin the walls are and is just feeling mortified now, so IF you want him to come back then you could message him in a light-hearted way to diffuse the awkwardness, eg "Hey come back, no worries but just don't be too noisy in future!"

He’s reacted immaturely. Hold your ground. It’s common decency to be quieter when others are around… particularly when you’re lodging for free!!