Should I expect my mum to tidy my house?

[Airwaverly]

Would you guys agree that this situation is weird or AIBU?

My mum provides childcare for my 5yo DD and has done since I went back to work when she was 2yo. From when I got pregnant my mum offered to take care of DD so we agreed an arrangement and I pay her 500 per month to take care of her 3 days a week. Most days she picks her up before 9am drops her to school and then collects her at 2 and watches her in my house until I finish work at 5pm (i work from home). On school holidays she has her for the full day 3 days a week. They have a lovely relationship and my mum is great with my daughter.
For the first 2 years everything was great in fact I would say my mum went above and beyond she would have the house spotless, while still taking care of a crazy toddler. However in the last year things have drastically changed my mum no longer does anything other than babysit so even though I tidy up all the breakfast stuff on my lunch break by the time I finish work at 5 the house is absolutely upside down. My daughter is 5 and is good to put things away but needs to be reminded, my mum obviously isn't reminding her as there will be lego and magnatiles strewn throughout the house along with pages of colouring and soft toys. Often my DDs school uniform will be left on the floor collecting dog hair and any snacks/drinks/coffee cups etc will just be left on the coffee table instead of being put into the dishwasher. My mums own house is immaculate and she is extremely fit she just completed her 2nd half marathon (so its not a lack of energy thing) . I find it hard to start even cooking dinner because of the mess all over the countertops. I don't know what changed and my mum is not someone who you you can talk to about these things so i wouldn't bring it up with her. I don't expect her to be a full time cleaner but even just tidy up a little bit by putting the used dishes in the dishwasher! Or am I being a spoiled brat?

She's being paid £500 a month! It's not 'free help'

There seems to be a lot of assumptions are being made. Have a conversation with your mum and find out what she really wants. She may have thought that once your dd started school she would be freed from child care duties. Ask her what she wants as yoh maybe better off with after school clubs and a cleaner

Yeah let’s put it on a 5 year old to tidy up but not a woman in her 50s!

I hope you take this as intended. Please get advice / lessons on speaking directly and expressing yourself and your needs. Or you risk passing this failure to communicate assertively on to your child. It doesn't matter how you behave at work / in general because your child doesn't see that. Home life / experience is informative.

You need to ask your mum if she needs help or feels the compensation needs increasing as your child gets older. If she asks why you're asking, just explain what you've noticed and that you don't mind if she wants more time for herself but your needs are for someone who will clean / tidy and you need to save your money to pay them if your mum doesn't want to do it.

Just explain your needs and that your budget is for that.

On a separate note: maybe spend a couple of months leaving your child with a babysitter or after school daycare etc so your mum realises she can't see her grandchild as often anymore (so limit this to one, short afternoon at the weekend) and see what happens. Just say you want to trial it so your child has access to other kids. I'm surprised you are paying your mum. Grandparents shouldn't need paying to spend time with their own family, in my view. Obviously, as a guest in your home, or with an extra mouth to feed in her own home, you should pay for her food and you already said you show your appreciation with gifts. I'm not sure what your upbringing or value system is, but it's odd for some to hear you are giving her so much / any money. Maybe you have it spare and it's just a cultural thing. Not my business, just sharing that not everyone does this so it's another thing to consider.

Less than £6 an hour or did I mis read how much you were paying?

As someone who brought a child up with no husband or family for support, you’re incredibly privileged and should realise that

She’s your mother, not your maid. Tidy up after yourself and teach your daughter to do the same.

Who is taking the mickey - the gran is being paid less than the minimum wage…

Really, talk to her!

Tbh I wouldn't dream of taking money from my kids for babysitting.

Kids got older ,more demanding, she's probably finding it harder work now.

Maybe your mum wants to spend more time with her grandchild rather than tidying up?
you could have the conversation with her and ask her directly. “Why aren’t you cleaning my house?”
I used to spend every day cleaning my house. But then realised my kids are missing out on that one on on time so I leave it now until they’re in bed. I clean up as I go but to do the hoovering, mopping, etc. I wait until bedtime.
if you feel that she needs to tidy your home. You need to have that conversation with her.

You are on cloud cuckoo land. This is your mother - not a house keeper and you are taking the piss.

No she's not. She's paying her for "childcare", not for "housework". If she wants a house maid, she needs to hire one.

Hi OP, i’m sorry you’ve had to spend your time working through all the idiotic replies on here from people that simply cannot read or are unable to comprehend what they are reading.

As some have already posted, the whole core of this issue stems from the fact that you are scared to talk to your mum about the issue. You are walking on eggshells whilst your mum allows your child to trash your house. No childminder on the planet should allow this.

Something has to change.

Routine always changes as children get older. Make new arrangements such as after school Club and simply tell your mum you are using after school club so your house is not trashed every school day.

You can’t walk on eggshells around your mum forever, although it already sounds like you have all your life. Make the alternative arrangements so you are in a strong position should your mum throw her toys out of the pram. She needs to know, and once people like your mum hear it and have stomped their feet and cried like a toddler, they usually digest it and get over it, and more importantly, learn.

You can put your foot down and say you haven’t got the Energy to argue about silly things like this and you don’t have the energy anymore to clean up a bomb site after her and your toddler, just like she doesn’t have the energy to keep things tidy like she used to. Sometimes you have to upset people like this who have their own inner child before relations get better.

Your mum needs firing and needs to know why if there is any chance of her bucking up her ideas. i’ve had many an issue with my own mother over the years as she has always been known to be unapproachable, defensive, aggressive and more like a child when she doesn’t get her way. It’s taken a few uncomfortable conversations, but once you break that seal you empower yourself to say it like it is and then you no longer live in fear yourself about her reactions.

If it was annoying you enough to write on here and then have to deal with all the idiots that reply and criticise you, you definitely have it in you to stand up to your mum and get onto an equal playing field when it comes to communication. You are giving her the silent approval to keep doing what she’s doing.

The silence ends now. Good luck.

Get a cleaner ..paying 500 for
A servant is very cheap ...and you are in the house while your servant is looking after your child...your servant needs a life too...yes you are unreasonable...and entitled...give your servant some love ..she won t be there forever..

Now your DC is at school just use breakfast and after school club and holiday club during non term time.

Maybe your mum didn’t want to keep this arrangement anymore?

That isnt my point at all.

I have already said the GM should clear up her own mess, and I find it hard to believe the grandmother wouldn't do that to make her daughter's life a bit easier. I also suggested OP does a star chart to encourage her daughter to tidy up after herself.

My point is- how does a 5 year old wreck the house so much / mashes playdo everyone etc despite being at school most of the day that it takes the OP so long to clear it up. I have 5 kids and they made a mess of course, but not like this 5 year old wrecking ball sounds. It just sounds OTT

If that's your attitude to people who are trying to help you on here, I'm not surprised your mum is fed up!
regardung your "knickers in a twist" comment

What is a "countertop"?

What is a "countertop"?

She’s probably changed her mind and no longer wants to do it. Sorry OP I’d feel the same as you.

Ask Google.

This is really tricky for you OP, I think a lot of comments have been a bit unfair - you seem to be highlighting the fact that now she seems not to be doing what she was before. This is making you think something is wrong and you are just trying to work out what to do about it. Reading between the lines you obviously have a difficult relationship with her as you're very worried about upsetting her. This shouldn't be that hard, but obviously with her it is.

If the mess is out of control it suggests to me that your mum isn't really engaging with her and she's being left to run riot - is she not allowed to watch tv, but not being given anything else structured to do instead, do you think? My 5 year old would be glued to cartoons or something and wouldn't move until tea time. No mess in that scenario. If, on the other hand he was told to "go and play" but not supervised he would get up to all sorts.

Definitely bring up with your mum that now she's heading to year 1 and will be there till 3 next term that you are considering using after school clubs instead and ask her what she thinks. It may be the perfect solution financially if your partner has days that he can pick her up, you don't really need your mum so regularly.

Let us know what happens!