Should I expect my mum to tidy my house?

[Airwaverly]

Would you guys agree that this situation is weird or AIBU?

My mum provides childcare for my 5yo DD and has done since I went back to work when she was 2yo. From when I got pregnant my mum offered to take care of DD so we agreed an arrangement and I pay her 500 per month to take care of her 3 days a week. Most days she picks her up before 9am drops her to school and then collects her at 2 and watches her in my house until I finish work at 5pm (i work from home). On school holidays she has her for the full day 3 days a week. They have a lovely relationship and my mum is great with my daughter.
For the first 2 years everything was great in fact I would say my mum went above and beyond she would have the house spotless, while still taking care of a crazy toddler. However in the last year things have drastically changed my mum no longer does anything other than babysit so even though I tidy up all the breakfast stuff on my lunch break by the time I finish work at 5 the house is absolutely upside down. My daughter is 5 and is good to put things away but needs to be reminded, my mum obviously isn't reminding her as there will be lego and magnatiles strewn throughout the house along with pages of colouring and soft toys. Often my DDs school uniform will be left on the floor collecting dog hair and any snacks/drinks/coffee cups etc will just be left on the coffee table instead of being put into the dishwasher. My mums own house is immaculate and she is extremely fit she just completed her 2nd half marathon (so its not a lack of energy thing) . I find it hard to start even cooking dinner because of the mess all over the countertops. I don't know what changed and my mum is not someone who you you can talk to about these things so i wouldn't bring it up with her. I don't expect her to be a full time cleaner but even just tidy up a little bit by putting the used dishes in the dishwasher! Or am I being a spoiled brat?

Groan! Here we go again with the "I wouldn't dream of taking a penny" brigade. I think it's disrespectful of older women to assume unpaid childcare is the norm. These grannies who boast about being unpaid childminders for their grandchildren should have more self respect!

Omg she isn't asking her to clean the house!!

Why are people missing this very clear point? It's about clearing up after herself, which is a pretty normal expectation.

If I have a tea at my mum's, I take the cup to the dishwasher! I don't just rock up, leave crockery all over the place and leave it all for my mum to deal with - who does?!

Why should it be any different in this case?

My DC go to breakfast and afterschool club so I’d recommend this to avoid the mess going forward. If she isn’t in the house to make mess, you don’t have to tidy when you get home from work.

That’s fine if you can afford it! If taking kids out for paid activities eg zoo, theme park etc is expected , then parents should contribute.

op should approach it as 'we're trying to teach our 5yo better habits. Please can you make sure she tidies up her stuff, remind her that she needs to put her own plate in the dishwasher, she's not allowed x or y if she doesn't do z or leaves stuff all over the floor' etc.

I had them at my house, my daughter was working hard as well as going to classes to move up in her chosen career. It did not cost a lot. Far from disrespecting I applaud all who help their own to get on if it is possible, however they do it - paid or not. It is not a boast, just a fact.

Hi, I have been thinking about your post since I read it this morning and decided to reach out to you as we are in a similar situation but I am the mom and I live with my daughter and her twin boys and take care of them and her dogs and her house especially when she is working so I know it is very difficult to make that kind of situation work and it's very delicate. I think you are going to have to sit and have a gentle talk with her to see what her expectations are and what she feels she can and cannot do just so you can understand maybe even ask her if you need to bring someone in once a week or so to help clean just to see if her response to that is positive even if you can't afford to do it anyway family relationships are very hard, but you must be honest

Yet you expect your mum to entertain and look after your daughter and also tidy up ….. surely your mum is also entitled to have her time with your daughter in a relaxed, fun manner. This comment makes me think YABU. If you want your house to stay tidy, the solution is simple. Either give your mum cash to take your daughter to an activity after school or arrange childcare and go and pick her up after you finish work. Weigh up the options and decide what works best for everyone, including your mum and your daughter.

I havnt read any replies yet, but in my opinion ... I dont think she should be cleaning your house... no.

If ur worrying that ur house is messy at end of the day, send ur daughter to a childminder and pay them - but i can guarantee you they will charge more than what u pay ur mum.

Maybe ur mum (after a year or so) is fed up of tidying ur house ... or is getting tired now she is older. Or is even hinting that she doesnt want to do it any longer..

Us Nanny's (grannys/nanas etc) do get tired as we get older.

You just need to enlist your mum to help you with a child development stage like you must have dine for weaning and potty training and all other child rearing things.
say “mum, DD is old enough, she really needs to learn to hang her uniform up and put her toys away when she finishes playing, please will you help me with this when you are looking after her?”

At the end of the day, try to figure a way to handle this that it does not mess up your relationship with your mother or your mother's with her grandchild. That's more important than tidying up. I know that sounds easy to say, but it's true. It sounds like you need to sit down and talk with your Mum with compassion and love with a desire to work through this.

500 pounds untaxed...

She is paying her mother to look after her grandchild. I’ve been a nanny and part of the job is to tidy up after the child and yourself. You should always leave the house as you find it

Yes absolutely agree

Ops DD finishes school at 3:15 or 3:30 granny gets her home at 3:30 or 3:45 depending on what time DD finishes. Then granny gives GD a snack before she has dinner with her parents. Is DD in school for half a day or a full day I don't get it. The op should ask her DD to clear up her own toys and pick up her uniform. I think op is over paying her mum if it's only morning and after school care she won't be taking her anywhere apart from home. It's sounds like a mess that needs sorting out asap. The actual mess is the least of your worries.

She is granny not a stranger in the time she has with her GD after school she is playing with her. Op works from home and she can ask her DD to clear up her own toys and uniform. I don't think we should encourage the op to turn on her mother. Op still needs to parent her child.

I'd hardly call £500 a month 'free help'

When I worked as a nanny I was quite able to tidy as I went with the kids helping as appropriate to their age. I’m now 67 and still childmind my grandson and able to do everything a mother would do while still have a tidy house. The child is 5, and can be included .

She's only there an hour after pick up. What's wrong with the op parenting her daughter after 5pm. It's a bit of mess with granny after school. Ops mother doesn't sound like she that obsessed with cleaning anyway and would rather feed and play with her DG until she finishes at 5pm. Why don't the op say thank you and join in. The op and her DD can help DH clear up together. Op hasn't mentioned her husband complaining he understands that kids will make a mess. It's an important life skill to teach children to clean up after themselves and to help in family chores. I don't think it's a good idea granny doing everything.

Sounds like she’s getting older and more tired and is prioritising her own house and fitness and your childcare, but the housework in your house is the thing that’s had to give.

It’s impossible to have an entirely tidy house if you have young children, and allow them to enjoy themselves. These years whizz by, don’t waste your time on tidying or cleaning over zealously.

I am not suggesting living in a state of constant disarray but surely you can adjust your mindset a bit? You and your DD do a quick clear away, make it part of your time together. Practical activity that becomes a habit can help change your mindset in my experience.

I guess you should stop paying her and get a professional nanny/cleaner as it would be less awkward than having your mum as an employee.

I have supported you in my posts OP, but I do wonder how your child is such a whirling dervish nightmare that causes such a mess in 2/3 hours! That is a bit of a concern and at 2 or 3 understandable, but at 5 I would expect a level of self-control from her

But its not free. She pays her £500 a month. I'm unsure what tidying needs doing. But anything child related should be cleaned up.

Ask your mum if its becoming to much to look after your child as you have noticed that before she used to pick up after the child and now she doesn't. Make sure to make it sound as though your worried. This may open a dialogue for further questions.