Should I expect my mum to tidy my house?

[Airwaverly]

Would you guys agree that this situation is weird or AIBU?

My mum provides childcare for my 5yo DD and has done since I went back to work when she was 2yo. From when I got pregnant my mum offered to take care of DD so we agreed an arrangement and I pay her 500 per month to take care of her 3 days a week. Most days she picks her up before 9am drops her to school and then collects her at 2 and watches her in my house until I finish work at 5pm (i work from home). On school holidays she has her for the full day 3 days a week. They have a lovely relationship and my mum is great with my daughter.
For the first 2 years everything was great in fact I would say my mum went above and beyond she would have the house spotless, while still taking care of a crazy toddler. However in the last year things have drastically changed my mum no longer does anything other than babysit so even though I tidy up all the breakfast stuff on my lunch break by the time I finish work at 5 the house is absolutely upside down. My daughter is 5 and is good to put things away but needs to be reminded, my mum obviously isn't reminding her as there will be lego and magnatiles strewn throughout the house along with pages of colouring and soft toys. Often my DDs school uniform will be left on the floor collecting dog hair and any snacks/drinks/coffee cups etc will just be left on the coffee table instead of being put into the dishwasher. My mums own house is immaculate and she is extremely fit she just completed her 2nd half marathon (so its not a lack of energy thing) . I find it hard to start even cooking dinner because of the mess all over the countertops. I don't know what changed and my mum is not someone who you you can talk to about these things so i wouldn't bring it up with her. I don't expect her to be a full time cleaner but even just tidy up a little bit by putting the used dishes in the dishwasher! Or am I being a spoiled brat?

Good detective skills.
Neither the OP or her mother can do simple tidying up while the child is around. OP, you are blaming your mother, but you are also incapable of tidying as you go along. Could all three of you: grandmother, mother, daughter be a bit on the disorganised side?
Not all women can multitask.

I suspect mum feels you can tidy up a bit not only during breaks from work but after 5. A few breakfast bits into the dishwasher, cups too. Lego away. How long would that really take? She will mind her granddaughter but she is not your housekeeper as well.

Well, it's £500 not $500 and it's three hours after school, not three full days. Plus, OP's mum asked to do childcare when OP was pregnant as she wanted to leave her job.

OP could use breakfast clubs and after-school clubs for less than she pays her mum. OP would be willing to make other arrangements but she says that her mum wouldn't be happy and she's scared about broaching this with her.

What's the going rate for before and after school care including having to do the drop offs? Also this includes full day with Grandma when school isn't happening and I presume grandma would also be on-call for ad hoc babysitting? Is she seriously getting paid more than the market rate?

Even so, the before and after school care wouldn't include cleaning up OP's house.

If OP thinks she can get more help with the same pay, she should just agree on one day per week of grandchild time to be fun grandma and pay for external help on the other days.

You are paying below the odds for childcare but you expect her to clean and tidy as well?The real issue is she used to do it but she is aggreived in some way and you won't tackle it,either find the courage to ask her or do your own cleaning and tidying- whether she is fit enough or not is totally irrelevant.

Hey @Airwaverly I’ve read through your posts before commenting in case you’d already covered this…. You say this only started recently, can you remember if anything in particular happened around the time this started?
I’m asking because reading between the lines it sounds as though your mum is upset about something - you say you can’t talk to her, maybe she also feels she can’t talk to you?
Another thing I wondered, how often on childcare days did your mum stay once you’d finished work? Just for a coffee and a chat about your days? Or stay for dinner? Has it over time turned into she’s out the door as soon as you’re finished?
Moving forward, try a few things, like asking are you ok, are you still happy with this arrangement, would you like to stay for tea or do something just the two of you one day?
Do you socialise with each other outside of the working week?
It’s really hard but I do think the answer may lay in there somewhere, you just need to do a little digging x
Hope some of that helps xxx

Could she have been chatting with others who have a similar arrangement and have revealed that they are being paid more for the same level of childcare? Or maybe she’s just doesn’t want to do it anymore but doesn’t like to say anything in case she upsets you.

You need to have a conversation with her as to whether she’s happy to continue with the arrangement. Sounds like she’d rather get a proper job. £500 a month isn’t a lot unless it’s topping up a private pension 🤔

My parents do the exact same! Its frustrating isn't it, even when ive been at home its like having another child to clean up after.. ill tidy one room and then go back 20 mins later and its a shit tip again. They are also rather clumsy and seem to end up breaking things. We recently finally bought her first home which is a new build, and want to keep it in decent order but when they visit we are on high alert that nothing gets destroyed! They do a lot with our kids though so dont really feel we can say anything. They dont live near us so come and stay for a few days at a time, then buggar off, and we have the big clean up when they've gone! so no real advice im afraid, but i feel your frustration.

Bought *our first home

Maybe your mum is not as fit and healthy as you think. Is she menopausal? Or having a depression episode ? Gently ask her if she is OK? As you have noticed a change and take the conversation from there. You're building up resentment which will make any mess an irritation. X

I think that there must be something going on if this a different behaviour. It could be anything from depression, Iil health, or simply that she's had enough. If she's keeping her house immaculate, running half marathons and doing childcare it might just be too much
My first thought was that she probably expected not to have to do childcare once your child was at school full time and possibly doesn't know how to approach it without confrontation.
The best way is to ask her if she's okay and managing, but if you feel you can't, then try suggesting that you are thinking about organising wraparound care now that your daughter is older. Her reaction might explain a lot. She might just want to spend time with your daughter as nd when, without a contract type arrangement in place.

I looked after both of mine for nothing. Wouldn't dream of charging. I loved every minute and so did they.

Unfortunately not all grandmothers are the same.

It sounds like the grandmother initially wanted to help OP and accepted a token payment for petrol or what not. She might have initially helped clean the house because OP was post partum and the grandmother wanted to help out more as OP recovered and settle into routine of going back to work. But now the kid is older, and to really care for the kid you need absolute attention. They might need help with homework or need companionship to play. The grandma's focus changes to spending quality time and not as much on cleaning the house. By now she probably thinks OP should have a routine. Grandma might want to be grandma and not housemaid. Having that expectation suggest OP is positioning her as a nanny with the £500 rather than her being a granny with some token petrol/tea money.

If your house is tidy when your Mum comes over, she might be more inclined to keep it that way. You say you have to be at your computer at 9am, so get up earlier if your house has to be sorted before your mum comes over. The breakfast 'mess' can't be that bad, theres only one child. Also maybe you could say to your Mum 'Will you remind x to pick up her uniform, as I'm trying to teach her to tidy up after herself'.

Prepared to take shit for this comment, but I think it’s wild you’re paying £500 per month to your mum to look after her grandchild.
The fact SHE approached YOU and offered this paid arrangement is CF behaviour and I could never, ever take a coin for helping my child/ grandchildren get on in life.

I personally don’t know of anyone in this situation either so this mustn’t be a thing in my area, but if it was I think people would think granny was in the wrong for taking the payments, furthermore to leave the place like a shithole, nah piss taking behaviour.

Hi OP, apologies if all this has been said but I started to read a lot of the responses to you and was unsure if they had been reading a different story!!
As someone who had the best Mum in the world I can guarantee that she wouldn't have wanted money to look after my children BUT if I had forced the issue, she would have used the money for days out etc., and she would have also done that bit extra if she was home.
Not saying you have a bad Mum but yes, I would have expected her to clean and if nothing else, tidy up after herself. You are definitely not expecting too much. This is not some stranger in your house but someone close to you that should be looking after your welfare (know I'm going to get slated for that comment!). £500 is a lot of money for someone to be paid when your child is at school most of the day (as an ex-childminder I can confirm this) - I would have charged £20/30 in the morning for drop off and then so much an hour after school. So for £500, when she's also not using her own heating etc, then I would expect her to do a little bit more if she's at home by herself, and to clean up after herself! I think I would just say that your daughter has asked to go to after school club now as her friends are going, or some such reason. Good luck xx

Tbh I think you are getting a really good deal. Your mum has 3 days a week where she needs to be available for childcare and has to organise her day around this. You also have childcare during the school holidays which is a logistical nightmare for many families. It’s great that you pay your mum but please do not equate this to employment which would have a much better rate of pay and benefits inc sick pay, holidays, pension etc. Breakfast club and afterschool care might cost similar - but you will need to arrange drop off and pick up and school holidays will be more expensive. I would step back and weigh up the advantages against alternatives. Please remember that your mum is still doing you a massive favour and likely brings flexibilty too. The time saved by not doing drop off / pick up can be used to tidy up - when your mum leaves you can encourage your daughter to help tidy up her things and i am sure your mum doesn’t personally leave much mess. I am wondering if you have lost a bit of perspective here and little things are building up and annoying you - working and raising a family is an exhausting task! I also suspect your mum might be feeling undervalued and i hope you spend time with her outwith her childcare duties. If you are allowing this to affect your relationship maybe you should find an alternative arrangement ?

I think you need to look at this another way. You pay her £500 a month and for that £500 you are expecting a lot. Childminders charge what, £10-£12 per hour? Cleaners charge at least £15 per hour (going on the prices where I live). If you add up all of the hours childcare and the cleaning too, that comes to way more than £500! Once you have honestly totted up the cleaning hours and childcare hours, you will probably see why she might be stepping back a bit

My mother doesn't come into the house in the morning she pulls up in the car and i put my daughter in . I would NEVER have my mother (or anyone) in the house if it was untidy. I choose to have chill mornings with my daughter as I wo t see her again properly until 5 and have plenty time to tidy the house at lunchtime.

I fully understand. I am the same.

Re: silent treatment - I get that as well.
Would reminding your daughter to keep everything clean when you knnow your mom hears it maybe a good idea?

So, you mother does a marvellous job, looking after your daughter. I imagine she will be there for you dd, if she was sick & unable to go to school etc...Cannot believe you want her to clean aswell. If you paid the going rate for child care you would wonder what hit you. Be very grateful for what you have got & not for what you haven't got. Your mother's house can be gleaming and as pristine as she wants it, its her house. You are very ungrateful

I don't think she's asking her to do her cleaning, just to tidy up what they've had out while she's there, which is reasonable

I'm wondering if it's just me about this post ...

The OP isn't asking her Mum to do the cleaning for her. She is asking if she is unreasonable to expect her Mum to tidy up after herself when spending time in the OPs house looking after her DC and to help her DC to tidy away toys. The OP doesn't enjoy coming home to her Mum's used cups and plates and her DCs toys scattered around the house along with school uniform. I wouldn't enjoy that either. Let's also remember that the OP is paying her Mum a generous amount for looking after the DC - it's not an entitled freebie!

When I babysit at my DS and DiLs house I always tidy away my cups of tea and drinks and put away any toys that my DGS gets out, with him helping. That's common sense and respect. I'm not mopping their floor or putting the bins out - just tidying up after myself.

Absolutely not unreasonable.

I agree, why wouldn't you want to make your daughter's life a bit easier by tidying up AFTER YOURSELF?