Should I expect my mum to tidy my house?

[Airwaverly]

Would you guys agree that this situation is weird or AIBU?

My mum provides childcare for my 5yo DD and has done since I went back to work when she was 2yo. From when I got pregnant my mum offered to take care of DD so we agreed an arrangement and I pay her 500 per month to take care of her 3 days a week. Most days she picks her up before 9am drops her to school and then collects her at 2 and watches her in my house until I finish work at 5pm (i work from home). On school holidays she has her for the full day 3 days a week. They have a lovely relationship and my mum is great with my daughter.
For the first 2 years everything was great in fact I would say my mum went above and beyond she would have the house spotless, while still taking care of a crazy toddler. However in the last year things have drastically changed my mum no longer does anything other than babysit so even though I tidy up all the breakfast stuff on my lunch break by the time I finish work at 5 the house is absolutely upside down. My daughter is 5 and is good to put things away but needs to be reminded, my mum obviously isn't reminding her as there will be lego and magnatiles strewn throughout the house along with pages of colouring and soft toys. Often my DDs school uniform will be left on the floor collecting dog hair and any snacks/drinks/coffee cups etc will just be left on the coffee table instead of being put into the dishwasher. My mums own house is immaculate and she is extremely fit she just completed her 2nd half marathon (so its not a lack of energy thing) . I find it hard to start even cooking dinner because of the mess all over the countertops. I don't know what changed and my mum is not someone who you you can talk to about these things so i wouldn't bring it up with her. I don't expect her to be a full time cleaner but even just tidy up a little bit by putting the used dishes in the dishwasher! Or am I being a spoiled brat?

Barely paying her, for the school hols you are paying her about 1/3 of the legal minimum wage. Why shouldn’t she only do 1/3 of what you want her to do?

I agree. Dishes in the sink and picking up some kids stuff is hardly asking her to scrub the skirting boards. The woman runs half marathons she’s hardly in her dotage!

It appears GM isn’t getting a bad deal- she asked to do this and when the child was younger, had her for more hours and cleaned the house. Now she’s at school, so does less hours and less tidying and gets £100 more. Whilst writing this though it has just come to me that maybe it is because she’s there less that she’s cleaning less, where as previously was there all day, I assume baby had naps and now she is full on with GM from they get in. Just a thought.

She’s not employed though she asked to do it?

Could you set your daughter up with a sticker chart for general tidying up after herself, putting things away. A sticker for each day of the week. Stick it up somewhere, make a bug deal out of it with her so she shows granny. Granny won’t take anything personally as she ll see it as something dd is doing and it might work. Even if she’s tidy when granny isn’t there it avoids awkward conversations and reminds dd how important keeping tidy is. If that doesn’t work then I really think you’ll have to either tackle direct with - mum you’ve been doing the “job” for three years now I just wanted to check in that you are still happy with how it’s going etc because we could always put dd in school activities for one or two days if that works better etc

I think this is a base you could move forward from. You could reinforce it by saying that you are trying to follow through with what they're teaching DD in school: "the rule is that we don't start a new activity until we've packed away and tidied from the previous activity", and this will be going towards helping DD/DGC acquire the good organisational & work skills which, hopefully, eventually translate into good study skills.

It may also help that this is also entirely true. DGM should be onboard with it, we'd hope.

I suspect the child has become very challenging and the grandmother is emotionally exhausted by it all. It’s not just the after school period, it’s the school drop off as well.

None of my 4 DC would have run around the house repeatedly tipping out boxes of toys at 5. There might have been mess on the table or a puzzle or two on the floor but nothing more than ten minutes’ whip around. Maybe there are issues with attention or perseverance, or perhaps, as an only child, the DD can’t play by herself and needs all the attention all the time.

The OP has also stated that she doesn’t do the breakfast dishes until lunch because she’s getting her daughter ready, in spite of one child, no school drop off and no commute.

Either way, it sounds like the grandmother has had enough and new arrangements will have to be made.

It does sound as if you you anticipate great difficulty in talking to your mother about this. Can you at least ask her if she's still happy with the arrangement? "DD really loves you and I'm so happy that you do this, are you still OK with it?" That might give you an inkling re the way forward. Then i might just ask her outright to get DD to tidy up her things (I want DD to get jnto the habit of doing it") before you take over again and simply live with the silent treatment.

You’re paying her little more than minimum wage to look after your child. Why should she clean your house? How can you be so messy? Do you do no cleaning in between? She’s not a maid. Perhaps she feels take. For granted how little you do around the place and has finally thought why the fuck should I do the cleaning too. A nanny/au pair/ childminder wouldn’t be doing all the childcare and cleaning. Show her some respect and appreciation or get proper full price childcare and a cleaner. If I asked
my mum or mil to look agter
ny my kid I certainly would t expect the. To do all that as well. In fact I would make sure the place was rosy for her before she arrived

I think you need to find alternative child care. Look at it this way - the person paid to care for the child should be telling the child to put things away after her, reminding her not to throw stuff about etc. I get it that you don't expect your mum to clean, but constantly allowing a child to make a mess without re-directing them is not a good example, so you need to find another arrangement.

Regarding breakfast stuff... 8:55 is definitely not an early time to be ready. I have 3 chikdren and we leave around 8:15. We get out food as needed and put it away as we go. Everyone puts their own delf and cutlery in the dishwasher (and have done since starting school, still with LOTS of reminders for my SEN child though) and I wipe down the counter top and put away any remaining food while they do teeth or shoes or something. And I need to get ready to leave myself. It's not difficult. Honestly, this is a good habit for life you can teach your child.

This !

I am on your yideOP. Speaking as a grand.other who happilylooked after my grandchildren and did it for free,your mums behaviour is beyond comprehension. You dont expect her to do a good clean,just washing up and tidying away your child-s stuff. I always left my daughters ' houses tidy and no washing up. They had been working all day. Sit down and discuss with her. Maybd time to make new arrangements.

Some posters are making out op is forcing her mum into slave labour without a choice and others saying it’s shocking the GM takes any money at all, theres a middle ground here. It’s ok to pay family for help and at the same time if you accept that and want to do it you should tidy up after yourself and child

£500 a month!!!!

Sorry @Airwaverly but I think it’s time to get her into breakfast and after school club for those 3 days.

You would then finish work, collect DD and have a clean tidy house to come back home to!

I think I’d be wondering just how much attention your daughter is getting, considering all the mess!

Has the change coincided with a shift in the routine and your DD's activity levels? At 2, your DM may have been with your DD in your home for the majority of the day, DD may have had periods of napping and non-messy activities (looking at books, colouring, watchibg TV) during which your DM could get on with clearing up. Now it's arrive, get your DD to school, don't come back until 2 to pick up DD from school, bring her back and cram snacks and activities into that 2.5 hour period until you finish work and she leaves. So there's no downtime and it's a much shorter span of time to fit stuff in?

Why are some posters so obsessed with when the OP does her tidying up. What possible difference does it make to anyone if she chooses to do it during her lunch break rather than before work?

Because the OP can’t clean up in the morning when her DD is there. Even though she has one child, no drop off when her mum does it and no commute. In 2 hours (assuming she’s up at 7am) the OP can only get her daughter fed, breakfasted and ready for school but somehow not do breakfast dishes or a quick clean up. This is unusual.

The OP is critical of her mother who also can’t clean up while looking after the OP’s DD, which seems hypocritical. It suggests to me that the DD may be challenging.

Can't you just talk to her ? Say " mum i can understand how looking after a young child after raising your own may be a bit much ....I have noticed the tidying up has gone a bit south are u coping ok ? I know you aren't a glorified skivvy but please can you try? It is really hard. I was thinking now she's at school , I might try and use after school clubs and let you be 'just nan again but I really love you mum & dont want to upset you . What dl you really feel, mum? And know i am grateful , extremely so , for all the help you've given me thus far but I know it can cause resentment. "

My "expectations" are literally put the dirty cups and plates that she and my daughter use into a dishwasher

How many dirty cups and plates are you talking about, against having your daughter going to after school clubs and being looked after by others during the holidays instead of with a person she loves in a warm family home she is familiar with.
The worry of sorting this all out as well as dropping and picking her up, just for a few cups and plates for me is no comparison.

$500 a month for 3 days per week is nothing

I couldn't imagine taking £500 from my child to look after my grandchild for a couple of hours a week, and then allowing the child to make such a mess. I'd be ashamed of myself.

It's a few hours, 3 days a week. The child is in school. £6k a year, cash in hand for looking after your own grandchild for a couple of hours a week is a lot better than nothing.

All these grannies piping up here to say how they would never consider accepting money for being a childminder for their grandchildren is grossing me out. It must be nice for all of you not to have money worries, but unfortunately not all women in their sixties are in that fortunate position. And why is it always women who are expected to provide free labour??

How much do you have to pay for the before and after school care that does not include cleaning? This includes school holidays when grandma looks after them full day. If that was the market rate a lot of people will be getting help at that price.