Should I expect my mum to tidy my house?

[Airwaverly]

Would you guys agree that this situation is weird or AIBU?

My mum provides childcare for my 5yo DD and has done since I went back to work when she was 2yo. From when I got pregnant my mum offered to take care of DD so we agreed an arrangement and I pay her 500 per month to take care of her 3 days a week. Most days she picks her up before 9am drops her to school and then collects her at 2 and watches her in my house until I finish work at 5pm (i work from home). On school holidays she has her for the full day 3 days a week. They have a lovely relationship and my mum is great with my daughter.
For the first 2 years everything was great in fact I would say my mum went above and beyond she would have the house spotless, while still taking care of a crazy toddler. However in the last year things have drastically changed my mum no longer does anything other than babysit so even though I tidy up all the breakfast stuff on my lunch break by the time I finish work at 5 the house is absolutely upside down. My daughter is 5 and is good to put things away but needs to be reminded, my mum obviously isn't reminding her as there will be lego and magnatiles strewn throughout the house along with pages of colouring and soft toys. Often my DDs school uniform will be left on the floor collecting dog hair and any snacks/drinks/coffee cups etc will just be left on the coffee table instead of being put into the dishwasher. My mums own house is immaculate and she is extremely fit she just completed her 2nd half marathon (so its not a lack of energy thing) . I find it hard to start even cooking dinner because of the mess all over the countertops. I don't know what changed and my mum is not someone who you you can talk to about these things so i wouldn't bring it up with her. I don't expect her to be a full time cleaner but even just tidy up a little bit by putting the used dishes in the dishwasher! Or am I being a spoiled brat?

I childmind for my daughter 2 days a week.
The children come to my house.
It's exhausting work .I , too ,am fit for my age, go to the gym regularly.
However I do feel extremely tired the days I look after my grandchildren.
As the children get a bit older they require a different kind of caring.
More 1 to 1 time,as babies/ toddlers they will go for a rest during the day.Time for carer to have a break.
Young children require full on attention all of the time.
If your not going to discuss your grievances with your Mum ,how is she going to tell you how her behaviour has changed.?
She maybe doesn t have any time for household duties as well as looking after the children.
My house is upside down on the days I look after my grandchildren. I do tidy as I go along ,but the place is always getting messed up almost immediately.
Ask her if the arrangement still suits her??She may be pleased you ve noticed.
BTW,I neither receive payment nor expect it.
I love having them and the relationship that's grown with them is more than enough 💓

Maybe your mum is ready for a change.
She is healthy and only in her 50's.
She might appreciate helping still but in a less demanding/time- consuming role. She sounds great

I'd say its part of the arrangement she doesn't have to be scrubbing the place but teaching your daughter to put her things away and to just show your daughter this is where we put your uniform ready for tomorrow..
Its a routine for her ready for when you finish work.. £500 is a good payment to mum.

The DC isn't the one leaving dirty coffee cups in the living room.

This. Just put her in after school club. Way less than £500, no messy house and no awkward conversations with mum (once you have switched!)

£500 per month for 3 days of childcare per week is an absolute steal.

I would not accept any money for looking after my gc, l would do it to help out my dc, l would accept chocolates or flowers once in a while but nothing else and would not leave the place as a tip, it's not that difficult to clean up a little after yourself.

You explained several times that your mum doesn't take perceived criticism well and any query from you will lead to the silent treatment for weeks.

I think A) That is a price worth paying. You've got to get to the bottom of what's going on, B) I would put money down that you're incorrect in this case, as she is clearly (to me) making a statement and crying out for you to ask her what's wrong, C) If you really, truly cannot mention anything to her about the care she provides (which includes leaving the place a tip), then this is an unhealthy relationship and the arrangement should come to an end.

£125 for 10.5 hours isn't an "absolute steal".

Yes it's just below NMW, but surely that is what families are for? To help out - especially your own daughter!!

It’s 3 full days in school holidays.

OP has said the house is basically getting trashed in multiple rooms with her daughter getting lots of things out and not putting them away in 2 and a half hours. It's not just a cup or two. I was thinking the cleaning might be too much, but I'm getting a feeling that there's something else going on here.

Like I had a bag of my daughters old clothes on a bag in the kitchen ready to take to charity shop and while my mum was here my daughter must have decided to go through it and put them on her teddy bears the floor was covered in clothes. Plus toys, dirty dishes etc.

She leaves Legos and magnatiles and colouring stuff strewn around and counters covered with stuff. OP has the house very tidy in the mornings. I think she needs to ask her mom if her daughter's being difficult about putting stuff away and her mother's having discipline issues with her. It's apparent the mom, for whatever reason, isn't directing the daughter to clean up one activity before they start another. I'd want to know if my kid wasn't listening to the person I had watching her.

She also said her mom will not take this conversation well. Her mom was the one that approached her to do this childcare for money and retired to do it.

My mum does not take any perceived criticism well. No matter how lightly I tread it will likely be a big row followed by the the silent treatment for a couple weeks.

She needs to be able to address issues with her mom's childcare with her openly without her mom having a fit. She's afraid to ask why the change and why is her mom letting her kid trash the house daily. That's an issue.

I'd have the conversation though. I might ask her directly if she's tired or having some health issues or is it a discipline issue. But she's paying a nice chunk of money that she could be paying wrap around care and her house wouldn't be trashed daily. It's come to the point where it might be cheaper and easier on OP to use outside care because there's going to be resentment developing. And she knows her mom will kick off if she does that. But in the end she has to do what works best for her family, not her mom and that might mean ending this arrangement.

Is she worried about you ? You don't seem able to cope with a little bit of mess, which is fairly standard for any household with a child in it. Are you really stressed and aren't dealing with it well ?

You'd have enough for school clubs and a cleaner, if you cut your mum out of the picture OP. Maybe just say, as she is an only child it would be nice for her to have friends to play with after school.

I do think your mum is being unfair. It's not hard work, or even housework for that matter, to put the little one's uniform on a coat hanger! I'd be saving myself some money and telling her it's time for a change.

It may well be, but not for the majority of the year. And the GM's behaviour is happening now, which is what we are talking about.

Does your Mum still look after DD if she is poorly and can't go to school ?

I'm a grandmother who provides childcare so this interests me and I've been trying to understand your mother's attitude. I've been looking after two children for the past ten years and I have never accepted any payment. I absolutely adore them. When the first one was born, I was a decade younger and fitter and I did do a lot of light housework. It was easier to tidy up when they were small, taking regular naps and any toys and books were easily gathered up. My duties have decreased a lot since both are in school but I still have them after school and during holidays - at my house. At their own home, the younger one still makes elaborate, messy "set ups" and the parents are quite relaxed about them. I can see that sort of play getting less and less and they don't do it at mine where I have few toys. It's mostly art and crafting that goes on. But at their house I always tidy away dishes and food, hang laundry, empty the dishwasher etc etc. It's the civilised thing to do. I never would attempt any big tidying or organisation as it's their house and I haven't the energy these days anyway. I think your mother is maybe fed up doing childcare and is looking for a way out. I would talk to her to see if that's how she feels. She can't get huffy when you're trying to find out what she really is thinking. If she says that she wants to carry on, then you should outline your basic expectations. You're paying her after all. If she doesn't comply, breakfast clubs, after school clubs is the way to go and there are plenty of holiday schemes too.

I do a bit of tiding up and sometimes the washing up but I am looking after 3 grandchildren (2 of whom are ND and one with epilepsy ) for long hours across 7 days a week, with no money from my daughter (if anything I pay towards their household! ) so if your mum is being paid she is extremely lucky!

My maths is crap but I think £500 a month is £41.60 a day? In which case thats very cheap childcare, well not very cheap but bloody bargain territory really! So I don't think you should complain about how you're not get cleaning too for that 😄.

I think its v entitled to compare this to babysitting when you were a teen in your recent post though. Shes your mum and looking after your child far more regularly for far longer hours, at a very very cheap friends and family rate.

Your maths is even worse that mine lol. Its for a month not a week.

There are some crazy responses on this thread. OP isn’t asking her mother to do work for free and neither is she expecting her to be a cleaner. She is merely expecting that she will put used crockery in the dishwasher and encourage/help the child to tidy up after changing her clothes and playing, which is what a nanny or child minder should do anyway. I do agree though OP that perhaps your mum is no longer the appropriate childcare option.

Can you say that you're trying to encourage DD into more tidying up before she moves on to the next toy, so you'd appreciate her being consistent with your approach. Put the onus on teaching your DD good habits and that for her to get the habits, all of her caregivers need to be supportive. Make it easy, label boxes with what goes in them and at weekends model to DD "before you move onto playdough, the lego needs to be put away".

Obviously it is not working out. She also is not your unpaid cleaner.

Looks for another arrangement without her.

Check on your mum
OP she may not be doing too well?

Her mother gave up work to do it. The woman isn't young enough to retire so either earns from babysitting her GC OR she works.

She's doing a LOT, accepting below NMW. Now you think she should do it for even less? How would the woman (no pension yet) pay her bills?

OP is implying the house is trashed. She spends a lot of time cleaning it up at the end of her work day. So it isn't just picking a few bits up is it?