Should I expect my mum to tidy my house?

[Airwaverly]

Would you guys agree that this situation is weird or AIBU?

My mum provides childcare for my 5yo DD and has done since I went back to work when she was 2yo. From when I got pregnant my mum offered to take care of DD so we agreed an arrangement and I pay her 500 per month to take care of her 3 days a week. Most days she picks her up before 9am drops her to school and then collects her at 2 and watches her in my house until I finish work at 5pm (i work from home). On school holidays she has her for the full day 3 days a week. They have a lovely relationship and my mum is great with my daughter.
For the first 2 years everything was great in fact I would say my mum went above and beyond she would have the house spotless, while still taking care of a crazy toddler. However in the last year things have drastically changed my mum no longer does anything other than babysit so even though I tidy up all the breakfast stuff on my lunch break by the time I finish work at 5 the house is absolutely upside down. My daughter is 5 and is good to put things away but needs to be reminded, my mum obviously isn't reminding her as there will be lego and magnatiles strewn throughout the house along with pages of colouring and soft toys. Often my DDs school uniform will be left on the floor collecting dog hair and any snacks/drinks/coffee cups etc will just be left on the coffee table instead of being put into the dishwasher. My mums own house is immaculate and she is extremely fit she just completed her 2nd half marathon (so its not a lack of energy thing) . I find it hard to start even cooking dinner because of the mess all over the countertops. I don't know what changed and my mum is not someone who you you can talk to about these things so i wouldn't bring it up with her. I don't expect her to be a full time cleaner but even just tidy up a little bit by putting the used dishes in the dishwasher! Or am I being a spoiled brat?

she doesn’t need to, she has asked and said she wants to! Op has said she will get the bus for dad but mum said no. It’s a few hours a day with a 5 year old and she’s fit and healthy, it doesn’t take much to encourage child to put stuff away and clean any dishes, it’s just basic curtesy. Find it funny people putting the onus on a 5 year old to tidy up and not a grown woman

Hahaaa mine could do this in 30 seconds

Also everyone comparing pay to nanny’s and childcare! It’s the grandmother who asked to do this and obviously wanted to and is also getting paid! My Gran did it 5 days per week for nothing and had dinner on and made beds, ironed. It shouldn’t be expected and it doesn’t sound like op did expect it, it’s basic manners to tidy up after yourself. I got paid a fiver in the 90s at 14 for babysitting 3 kids and I made sure everything was tidied and clean for parents coming home

You could try a cheery ‘could you remind her to tidy up as she goes, she knows she puts one jigsaw away before getting out another one’ to your mum…
but yes it is a bit strange that this has changed.

Um yes I have DC myself. I think the key point is “if they were allowed to.” Most adults left in charge of a small child aren’t going to allow them to. Is your problem actually, then, that your mother isn’t providing adequate supervision of your child? In that case, say that instead of complaining that she doesn’t tidy. You’re making your child sound like a badly behaved little brat so maybe that is the key issue that needs to be addressed.

She doesn't want a cleaner as well. She just wants her mum to remind DD to pick up her toys & for her mum to pick up after snacks etc. I don't think that's unreasonable in the slightest.

@Airwaverly I wonder why the change in your mum?

I'd probably ask her why she's no longer happy to put her mugs in the dishwasher etc & say you're getting fed up of DD not picking up after herself, (even if you're not!!) & ask if she can help by reminding DD to do so, so that your evenings are less fractious (if she thinks she's making it a nicer atmosphere for Dd she might be more inclined to encourage DD!!)

But any other replacement childcare won't be your DD having a lively relationship with your Mum, will cost you a lot more, require more input from you & not be perfect, so personally after I'd done the above I'd just suck it up.

Ok, well then you're not being unreasonable, and you are going to have to talk to her about it if it is bothering you enough to do so.

@Airwaverly I think you’re getting some odd responses on this thread.

You’re paying your mum to mind your child in a tidy home… but coming home to a total mess. I absolutely don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect that she helps your child to put things away and tidies away cups she’s used.

It’s hardly asking her to do a deep clean.

You mentioned she used to do this previously and now doesn’t so something has changed. If you can’t ask her what is going on then, i think your stress levels would be lower if you changed the arrangement and sent your daughter to afterschool club do a couple of days where she’d have loads of fun.. and still have one day to see your mum. At least you would only come home to a mess one day a week!

Id forget the dinner and your 5 year old should be tidying upnthat huge mess.
That is not normal in 3 hours.
She will learn quickly if she is faced with you standing over her.
I don't think the arrangement suits your mother anymore and it would be best if you pointed out that it is too much and better to organise after school care.
If she is allowing such a mess, she clearly isn't managing.
I would be having firm chats with your daughter too, rdminding her every day.
Surely you can step out for 5 minutes every day after they arrive home and parent your daughter that you do not want to find a mess.
She needs to put her uniform away etc.

If your mother ssys anything you can say you realise it is all too much for her.
At the ver least make a new plan for next September, latest.

I've had a great idea that would really help you. Just talk to your Mum!

My mum does not take any perceived criticism well. No matter how lightly I tread it will likely be a big row followed by the the silent treatment for a couple weeks.

It's easier just to help my daughter clean up the mess when I finish work.

Just wanted to see if I was unreasonable in thinking that this was weird and seems the poll is about 50/50 so I guess the jury is out.

I think I would tackle this by starting a checklist for your DD, and ask your DM to support her in completing it before 5pm (for example).

Things like:

Hang up school uniform
Put dirty clothes in laundry basket
Collect all Lego pieces and put in Lego box
Tidy away any toys
Colouring pens back in pencil case
All cups and plates from after school snack put in the kitchen

It would teach your DD the good habits you're hoping she'll pick up, and may encourage your DM to stick the odd thing in the dishwasher! You could link it to pocket money, or a weekly treat if it's completed each day (for DD that is, not your DM!).

I get you are not expecting your mother to be a cleaner, Airwaverly, but it is not unreasonable for her to put things in the dishwasher and do a bit of a tidy up. Nannies do that much, they keep the area they work in as tidy as possible. They will also put washing in the machine (the child's laundry if they get their clothes messy).

Nobody expects them to vacuum and clean the bathroom etc but you are not asking that of your mother anyway, only normal things which most people would just do.

Good luck whatever you decide.

When you come in at night don’t start cooking or doing anything food related until the house is cleaned up

“sorry childs name I will start making dinner when we have sorted out the kitchen and all the toys* on repeat every time.

it will teach your DD to clean up after yourself and make a point to your Mum.

i know people are saying about the bargain you are getting with childcare, but my Mum (60) cleans the house (always spotless on her arrival) folds laundry, weeds and today took the hedge clippers to a sizeable garden when the kiddos were napping, her choice absolutely but hugely appreciated and kind of her

YABU to expect her to clean your house.
YANBU to expect her to tidy your house.

There’s a difference.

Actually i pay less than that with childminder

OP can I assume you're in Ireland when you mention Euros and 2pm and 3pm school finishing? They also get longer school holidays than the UK.
If it is indeed €500 and not £500 then its not great pay and thats factoring in 8 weeks summer hols, 1 week Halloween, 2 weeks Christmas, 2 weeks Easter and about 3 weeks midterms and training days.
As someone of similar age to your DM please don't underestimate how the drudge of life can leave you overwhelmed. I was shocked at how little motivation I had and speaking to women of similar ages it seems quite widespread. A sort of can't be arsed attitude. Its not purposely done, its almost like we give so much of ourselves to others and thankless invisible tasks throughout our lives that the giving well has run dry. Your DM is enjoying spending time with her granddaughter and its taking her limited 'give' energy. Your daughter is 5, shes not a baby and knows full well her messy behaviour with jigsaws and magnatiles etc isn't acceptable.

@Airwaverly You are contradicting yourself.

In some posts you say it's only putting away some plates and cups, in other posts you are saying it's a complete mess. Which is it?

Either way you are getting childcare for a fraction of the price in the marketplace so it would be something I would be willing to put up with and be grateful for. When I was paying for childcare, it was the equivalent of paying another mortgage.

A chat with your mum about what she's willing to do sounds reasonable. What was agreed years ago may no longer be acceptable to her.

OP, this person is definitely getting their knickers in a twist.

Its irrelevant when you clean. And in my opinion its rude for her not to leave it in the state she found at at the bare minimum. It’s bizarre for anyone to suggest different. Can you imagine hiring a babysitter and the house is turned upside down when you get home - you’d never hire them again.

My mum is paid a similar amount. Her role is to be me when I’m not there. Be that washing, cleaning, tidying, doing homework, making tea. She came up with the compensation level and she suggested the role. It sounds as though you never did the contracting conversation before she started. As a result, you’d have much better value for money to use childcare and a cleaner.

I don’t really agree with paying a grandma to spend time with her grandchildren.For me- the payment is the extra stuff she’s doing.

She maybe super fit but childcare isnt easy so perhaps she is finding it harder than she did before.

Shes clearly doing a great job with your daughter and they have a great relationship. Why not say something like 'if you get a minute try pop your pots in the dishwasher please' and if she does then great. If not it looks like you'll be doing it

I agree with you OP. There is something deliberate in this. Especially as she has her own house spotless. I wonder if you could ask her if she enjoys it as much? Would she like to change to two days? Say that it seems out of character that the house is messy and you don’t mind but you’re wondering is it something to do with you or your dd?

I think it might be time for a change. Could she maybe just have her in the school holidays and term time you sort some wrap around care.

Would there be a big row if you suggested making other arrangements for the care of your daughter, such as breakfast clubs and after school clubs or a child minder?

You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells to avoid having a perfectly reasonable conversation with your mum. She is showing her displeasure openly. You would be perfectly reasonable to ask her why.

This is such an annoying thread as you’ve been very clear, it is a tricky situation and you’ve had nothing but people not listening to you and / or insisting you’re lying.

The only thing I can think is the old maxim “all behaviour is communication”. Especially as your mum tends towards not saying what she thinks.

I think you need to have a chat with her at a point separate from when she’s there for childcare and ask her if she’s happy, as you get the impression she’s not enjoying this as much as she used to. You can say “I felt you were enjoying it at first but I wonder if as time has gone on whether you are finding it overwhelming”. She can join the dots on that.

Ahead of that, consider what you want. By raising the point, she may well make a graceful exit. What does your childcare look like at that point? Can you afford a nanny?

It’s possible she’s feeling resentful because you are in the house and while you’re working, she feels like because you’re there you should be helping. She might know this is irrational - or she might not.

Frankly I feel the ship has sailed on your mum doing the inexpensive childcare and also picking up after herself - for whatever reason. Given that’s gone - what do you want now?

I actually think she should be being tidy ie putting her and DD’s plates and cups in dishwasher that DD uses also encourage DD to tidy her toys / craft things and put school uniform neatly. I think these things are part of doing childcare. Just ask her to do it.