To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

Agree, this made him doubly repulsive. He sounds completely dense.

Its helped because she knows she wasn't just paranoid without reason.

Grim. The content and disrespect would have signed his death warrant with me. It’s all so cringey and obvious to boot

She was very much the one leading it
He was happy to follow and didn't cut the conversation. He shared intimate details and feelings.
.He has massively betrayed OP.

No, he was asking her to do something ‘different’, then suggests S and M. Does it really matter what kind of sex he was suggesting he would have with her?

I agree with this.
I'd be furious and would expect him to get a job somewhere else but I think I could move past it.

He typed ‘I’m all ears’ - that’s not passive, that’s an invitation.

He doesn't suggest S&M. He says something different but not hardcore.
She asks what he means by hardcore and he then says S&M.
He is specifically saying he doesn't want it, rather than suggesting it.

Woah she has no shame flirting like that with a married man. I would let everyone in their workplace know about her anonymously without mentioning your dh name. As to him - he is weak and not to be trusted.

OP you are the only person who can decide whether it’s possible to come back from those messages.

I think it’s grim but it also reads like two people who are craving a bit of attention, in different ways, rather than a man who is actively contemplating a physical affair.

Personally I think I probably could come back from it, in my marriage and with the appropriate work and communication going forward. But it’s really a decision only you can take, knowing him and knowing your marriage.

Fine, everyone gets that you don’t agree with phone checking. But what’s your point and what’s your advice to the OP now? Are you saying two wrongs make a right so she should just forget about it?

She sounds a classy bird!!

I think most people wouldn’t want to throw away their relationship over a suspicion.

I’m shocked you’re even questioning it. What a prick. That’s cheating. Get rid.

Disgusting, disrespectful and degrading. Horrible man and she's a royal cunt.

Yes ok you’re right about the S and M now I’ve reread it. But it reads to me like he’s pretty keen generally and they’re discussing terms. Yes she might actually have put him off with the way she was talking and nothing may have actually happened, but he’s still way overstepped a line to my mind with the ‘I’m all ears’ and slagging off the OP, and the PP was minimising just because it was her who mentioned anal not him.

You should start your own thread in Relationships rather than crashing this one @Fatrhino62

Is that really the issue here?

Checking his phone?🙄

How else do you think she was going to find out her H was a cheating scum bag?

🧌

I hate women like that

Exactly. That’s pretty bad that he was discussing what ye did together in bed. Sorry x

Why are some posters infantilising this man?
He is a married man who is having conversations about his sex life with another woman .
The woman is thirsty , but she is not the one married to the Op. OP’s husband should have shut her down All this nonsense about her being the one leading the conversation .
. This woman feels emboldened because OP’s husband has made her feel this way

Spot on!

I was gonna say, peg him.

Totally agree with this. Great summary of the problem.