To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

Of course it's helped. She wasn't paranoid, she was correct that he's a cheat.

So she's now armed with the info she needs to proceed however she wants.

She sounds gross tbh, like coming on super strong and a bit ridiculous.

He is coming across as if he has no idea.

But the fact that he's complaining to her is not something I'd be able to get past.

Emotional affair.
You can’t change your husband.
But you are in control of what you will accept and this betrayal will always be at the back of your mind.
Read/Listen to leave a cheater gain a life.

I agree. If she hadn’t been so offputting in what she said he might have gone further. He did start out “all ears”

Fine. And when the DH in this situation posts about whether to dump the OP for checking his phone, we know what your advice will be. Great, we’re clear about that. But how constructive is it to keep repeating it to the OP?

Yea it would be over for me

Imagine what they’re like in person.

Your main question honestly depends on what YOU think is acceptable. Me, I personally wouldn't accept this. You can't just blame the woman. He's very happily participating, and going by this conversation they must have been very close to have got to the stage of discussing bondage.

Yes she's a tart. But why is he encouraging this? You said you two were already on shaky ground. This, for some, would be the last straw. He should be throwing himself into home life and yet he's talking to another female about anal sex.

As a pp above me said, this is him at his best, apologetic and trying to make things work?? I'd hate to see him at his worst.

What nonsense. Are you the vile colleague?

But you are ok with a partner discussing anal with a work colleague - not sure you are going to convince anyone that these are the same betrayal

Yeah hell no. I’d be so upset

Also phones computers any tech devise is open game in a committed relationship.

people who are trustworthy and don’t need to have “issues” with their partner looking at their phone as they haven’t got anything to hide wouldn’t bat an eyelid at this!

Gross. Dump him. Sorry he turned out to be a dud

Whether or not there is any coming back from this depends on you and whether you want there to be. He has clearly crossed a line in terms of what he has said, but he hasn't done anything physical. Whether that makes a difference, and what conditions you make going forward if you decide to stay together, are up to you.

Mumsnet will overwhelmingly tell you to dump him, so I suspect I'm shouting into the wind.

What’s ODFOD mean?
i wouldn’t leave him over this. She pushed it. He didn’t say yes or no. I’d read him the riot act though

I agree! People can't help but make excuses for pathetic men.

He's flattered by the attention. What a stupid stupid man. He's got a wonderful woman and mother to his kids. This is so sad.

I would be seeking couples counselling. It sounds like communication has been off between you for some time and he's found the path of least resistance - a woman who is at a loose end, looking for validation. He's looking for validation too - but the difference is, he's married.

There is a way back from this but you both need support to communicate much much more with each other and state your needs clearly. It's normal to feel frustrated and bored with life when your children are young. That's having young kids but you don't get to have someone play with your little weiner because you can't communicate properly with love, kindness and fairness.

I found similar on my exes fb messenger op. It’s gut wrenching. I’m so sorry. No, there’s no coming back from it. Try to maintain your composure and suggest he packs his stuff and gets out of the house until you’ve had time to process.

🤢 Typical bloody man, thinking about nothing but his precious dick. He doesn't complain that you rarely do it, it seems that you have a regular sex life, but even having this - and many married people would kill for a regular sex life - it isn't enough. You have to swing from the rafters too, apparently.

Anyway, apart from the entitlement, those messages are such a betrayal on a psychological level, as well as betraying you with phone sex. He's opened the bubble of intimacy that's supposed to contain just you and him, and let a third party into the most sacred inner chamber of your relationship.

If nothing physical has happened, and if you have reasons to work it out, like kids, it might be salvageable if he's willing to put the work in and admit how wrong he was. And if possible, he should change jobs. He definitely should be interacting with her as little as possible. I'd tell her that you've seen her messages and quote some of them to her. I bet she'd be so embarrassed if she knew you'd seen them.

And don't let him blame you. If he wanted to spice things up and do more positions than missionary, there was nothing stopping him from communicating that to you.

I'm so sorry, OP. 💐

How in the hell are you so blasé? I'd be livid! Hurt? Shocked?

Of course "a line has been crossed" and of course it's "cheating"!!!!

I'm sorry about everything and you finding out the way you did etc.

Despicable!

I won't give advice on what you should do, I don't know your situation, but he'd be gone, gone, gone if it were me.

She must know that he has a young child. How can she possibly be OK with potentially breaking up a child's home? That's so awful. She sounds pretty voracious - why can't she man-eat someone who doesn't have dependent children? I mean, not that that would be any better if the person is married, but threatening a kiddie's childhood by your actions is really low. I know he has the main responsibility, but still.

Actually, forget my previous comment, this one is spot on. Yes if he was bored he could've and should've addressed it with you.

I have mixed feelings. I don't know what I would do, because part of me agrees. The romance is gone, betrayal is SO unsexy...but on the other hand, you DO hear about couples who have repaired their relationships and been much happier after working through it all.

So people aren’t entitled to any level of privacy?