To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

It’s over ………. Sorry

If you suspect someone they aren’t going to admit it. But at that point you don’t trust them anyway so what’s the point?

If a man was looking through his wife’s phone, everyone on here would be up in arms about him being controlling.

OP, it's a horrible betrayal - especially the comments re missionary and your sex life.

You have problems in your marraige. He never ever should have gone outside his marraige to discuss them and this conversation is gross and very immature

It does appear that she's offering herself on a plate and is definitely the pushing it. If he wanted to sleep with her, he would habe done it be now. She's clearly up for it.

That doesn't excuse him or even suggest that you forgive him. I'm not sure you should, I know I wouldn't.

Id be more than comfortable with losing the moral high ground initially if I found messages like that. Id own it, wear it, then take it to a charity shop only to buy it back the day after.

That’s fine, your morals are your own business.

But it is possible for both people to be in the wrong.

Quite.

Gross. He's disgusting for casually chatting with this woman about his dissatisfaction with his relationship with you, including intimate details. That would kill any feelings I might have for a man. It's absolutely a form of betrayal. Physical cheating is not the only way to destroy a relationship. Some might find it easier to forgive a drunken moment of madness than this type of on-going conversation. It's a choice made repeatedly in the cold, sober light of day. There's no real excuse for it.

I don't think I'd waste any more of my life on someone so crude and disloyal.

Edited to add a crucial missing 'not'!

I’d chop the bastards balls off!

Good job your single then 😬

How would you ever find evidence or know if someone is cheating? I’ve known of quite a few people who have cheated (they have told me) and every single one of them strongly denied it to their other halves, and even when separated maintained they were faithful.

I’m not sure many people would leave based on a fear / feeling their partner is cheating.

Some situations, I can understand people leaving due to ‘side effects’ of the person cheating - ie the other person has emotionally checked out, is spending time and energy outside of the relationships etc But there are cases I know of where on the cheaters behaviour didn’t change too much.

I don’t think my OH goes through my phone, if he asked he could have a look, and I’d rather he didn’t do it behind my back - but I wouldn’t divorce over that.

Ah well, im sure op will get over any tiny bit of misplaced guilt she might feel over checking his phone, and I cant imagine him having the brass neck to moan about it.

You don’t need evidence. If you are at the point where you are sure someone is cheating then even if there is nothing on their phone, would you really trust them going forward?

“desperately trying to be a cool girl” - do men really see women like this as cool? I really don’t think they do. To see someone as cool you have to have a bit of respect for them. I’d say they’re much more likely to see them as slags. I’m not going to call another woman a slag but IMO she’s made a total idiot of herself and comes off like a desperate sex pest. It’s gross. Especially after it all blows over and she has to make eye contact with him every day knowing he’s probably still got messages from her saying she wants to stick a dildo up his arse. Although she is right on one point- not agreeing to do anal unless he agrees to do it too. Why isn’t it always like this?! Why do so many men seem to expect to get to do anal with their partners when they’d never even consider getting pegged?!

Well his not attracted to this woman, you can tell that from his replies. He could have ended up shagging her though because she’s clearly up for that. But it’s the disrespect that would make me feel really angry.

It’s not easy to end a marriage based on just a worry.

Not when you have a small child, a shared life, a home and years of memories together. It’s closing the door on a life you built and you thought was worth something.

Your whole future changes as does your child’s.

So yes, I can see why some people want to be sure that their fears are grounded in truth rather than paranoia.

This 💯.
She was completely pushing it , he shouldn’t have gone along with it or moan to her about your sex life , I’d be fucking raging !
Like PP has said I wouldn’t end my marriage over it .
You can tell by the messages he exchanges with her that he’s not falling over himself wanting to get into bed with her .

And yes you guys have shit to sort out & address your sex life .

“Cool girl” doesn’t mean cool as in “wow, she’s really cool.”

It’s urban slang for someone who tries to behave in a way that gets male attention, and tries to act like they’re into all the stuff guys would supposedly want (like anal) whilst being unbothered about being serious and committed etc. Someone who props up the patriarchy and pits themselves against other women. It’s exactly the way this woman is behaving.

I get that. But if it’s paranoia, then that’s something that’s going to affect you going forward, surely? So if there’s no dodgy messages, what then? Because surely the doubt is still there in the back of your mind?

I couldn't get past the fact that he's discussed your sex life with this woman. Cheating is bad enough but to discuss the intimate aspects of your relationship in this way shows a complete lack of respect for you.

Looking at a partners phone is in no way comparable to having this kind of conversation. On a scale of 1-10 in terms of wrongdoing, OP is at a 2 and her h is on about 8/9!

This exchange, with the exception of the bit where he talks about missionary, reminds me of many awkward exchange with predatory men I’ve had over the years. The awkward ‘haha’ gives it away.

Well if it’s paranoia then you have to look at yourself and address it however hard that is for you. But this wasn’t paranoia.

Yeah.. nope! If she’d outright offered he’d have accepted. You deserve better ❤️❤️

But she’s in no easier a position now. So it hasn’t helped

Of course it’s not easy - her husband has behaved horribly. But I’m not sure she’d have been better off being in the dark.

I have worked in male dominated corporate offices for over 30 years now.

you get all kinds of conversations and the in’s & outs of peoples marriages esp of you have good/social friendships within those offices.

you arguably spend more time with your work colleagues than your wife/husband. The female colleague is predatory, they are clearly friendly, she has heard the marriage gripes and jumped on it.

he isn’t blameless don’t get me wrong but his texts don’t read as someone having an emotional affair, sexting and they are barely explicit. I think his unhappiness, bravado & whatnot quickiy went wrong in that exchange. No had it even been a mild Mr Grey & he was partaking I would say emotional affair, cheating & whatever

The Op clearly states they are having issues, maybe they won’t fix them because he can’t communicate his issues to her but he is capable given he has told people at work. He lays them out bare in the texts. Its up to the Op now what she decides to do