To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

There’s nothing wrong with looking at your other half’s phone….because there should be nothing on there! We have open phone policy and that’s normal.

Ah so he eas also batting her away when hed obviously been moaning about shagging his wife in the missionary position and finding it boring? Or during the other chats they'd obviously had? Or was it when he said he was all ears to her suggestions? Maybe when he carried on the conversation instead of shutting it down? Or when he sent sweating emojis when this woman talked about facesitting?

If its a work phone/Teams and hes not completely stupid id 100% expect the chat to look exactly like that. As I said earlier, it could give very very slight doubt to someone gullible if they ever got out there, but they are still enough to keep the chat going.

Been with my husband 30 years children grown up & left home. Our marriage is over no intamacy for 10 years not even kissing. I have spoken to him about putting the house up for sale no mortgage & going our separate ways & splitting the money husband refuses as he loves the house but he wont buy me out. Has anyone had experience of this or advice I am desparate to leave him he is mentally abusive . He said he will trash the house before he leaves it. What should I do?

I'm not a fan of cheating, but there's something particularly disdainful about casting your partner as competitor in disgusting exchanges. That would be worse for me than the actual cheating 😡.
I'm sorry your husband has behaved so pathetically, @Queens26 .

Or was this batting her away? ": Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha"

The "At home" seems an odd addition. Like its a no at home but I bet with you it wouldnt be. Id bet he set her reply up deliberately.

C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha

This doesnt.read as batting her away or shutting it down

I think other posters have summed it up quite well. Not surprised he’s been called from a pig to a dog, 🗣️ you do not deserve this at all.
Please try to gather support around you in real life. You’re going to need people you trust to talk this through with, don’t bottle it all up or try to carry it on your own. Your child needs their mum, and you need proper care and support too.
Keep reaching out, both to people around you and here. We’re here for you, and you don’t have to face this alone.💝💐

I think thats overstepping. You can say that for you it would be over and why, but there are no absolutes here. Let's not railroad the OP into feeling like she has to do something she may not want to after calm reflection and discussion with her husband.

Maybe he thought she meant recipes

I agree with this. Of course he’s crossed a line and fucked up majorly and you must be really hurt. However, she seems to be leading the chat, he doesn’t really seem that interested tbh. To me, he looks like someone who’s unhappy with his sex life and wants to talk to someone about how he feels (still doesn’t make this ok of course) but I’d possibly be inclined to believe him about the fantasy. I’m not sure he’d actually have taken it further. She, on the other hand looks like a total nympho who couldn’t give a shit about how he feels about his relationship and just wants to fuck him. Obviously he’s still at fault here but if this is the first time he’s done anything like this and your relationship is good otherwise, this wouldn’t be an automatic dealbreaker for me. He’d have to work really, really hard to earn my trust back and he’d need to understand that sex when you have a young child isn’t always going to be exciting. But if he tried hard and we communicated well, not just about the texts, but also about how you both feel about your sex life, then I’d consider giving him a second and last chance. Good luck, whatever you decide

You need to start your own thread then people can advise you.

You don't need his permission to escape this waste of a life, btw.

Hi you might want to start a separate thread so that your post doesn’t get lost in the replies

Yes I'd slate you for saying that. Is the OP supposed to be grateful to her lousy husband and disgusting colleague?

I've had a similar situation with a friend discussing me with her male friends and I can't forgive or trust her again. How much worse is it if it's your husband?

Start a separate thread about it. Hopefully you’ll get some helpful advice. I don’t have any I’m afraid

I think she actually scares him but gross none the less .

It is an abuse of trust to check someone’s phone. I know that on MN it’s positively encouraged but it would be a dealbreaker for me

OP, this is your decision of course and you may choose to remain in this marriage (for a while anyway)… can I ask you to imagine what happens next? Would you want him to change jobs? If you would and he agreed would you be happy with him working somewhere else where he may encounter a similar ‘cougar’ colleague? What would your sex life look like… now you’ve literally seen his words that you bore him sexually? Will you want to become ‘more sexually exciting/adventurous’? If so, how would you feel about that, would you be doing it because actually you’re pretty bored with missionary too or would you be ‘trying to compete’ with the colleague and her prowess (which your H responded to quite gleefully IMO)…. I get that right now you’re shocked, shaken and hurt and it’s probably not the best time for you to be trying to determine your true feelings, all I’m trying to say is please (if you love him and aren’t sure you want to LTB), consider what ‘staying’ really looks like, feels like…. please don’t stay because you panic about the DC /finances etc if you go.
For what it’s worth, I would go with my gut, scrape my broken heart up off the floor, pack him a bag and tell him to get the fuck to HER and not to forget the lube for his first pegging sesh.
But that’s just me

No but the person who checks the phone loses the moral high ground. You don’t need evidence to leave someone.

🎵One of these things is not like the other 🎶

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta I think most women are more concerned about cheating and STIs!

Better to lose the moral high ground.

They really, really don't. What a ridiculous stance.

Are you for real ffs

She is really trying hard to seduce him whilst your husband is saying he’s bored of sex with you. They are circling around round each other and even if nothing ever physically happens between them he has betrayed you.
He could of said to you let’s spice things up at anytime but chose instead to look elsewhere.
If you do try to patch up your marriage you will always feel like you have to be a performing seal to keep his interest and it will kill off your self esteem.

Okay so you would be happy for your partner to check your phone? Good for you. I am single (thankfully) but anyone checking my phone would be out on their ear.

Yes, best to give the cheating b a heads up by asking him. That way he can lie, destroy the evidence and gaslight the OP for possibly years…