To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

Yep. ‘So you tell me if you meet an intimidating or sexually confident woman you are helpless and simply have to talk about how shit your wife and marriage are and the ways you want to have sex with other people? There are lots of sexually confident intimidating women out there, the real surprise is one wants to talk to you, and I can think of no way to make sure you never meet another one of them so that’s us done then. I can’t be married to someone who has no loyalty to me and thinks they are not responsible for their own behaviour. I wish you knew how pathetic you sound, she wasn’t waterboarding you. You volunteered all those responses and you have betrayed and revolted me.’

How does that even work, though? Wouldn't you be terrified that your spouse would find your other phone?

Cheating sounds like a one-way ticket to heart disease to me, because of all the stress. But then, I'm not built for cheating the way some people are.

What a brilliant post. I'm keeping this quote forever.

I don't know, I might want to ask my friend if she also has white chin hairs after starting perimenopause, and that's not something I'd want my husband to know about! And stuff like that. But maybe you're the type of couple who go to the loo in front of each other or with the door open, and I can assure you, I will NEVER be that kind of partner!

My husband has no desire to really read my messages and I have only twice this was shortly after we had a shack in trust. But honestly he has gone on my phone to see past purchases. He did see recently that one of his friends had messaged me it was only a few memes but he asked me not to respond to those anymore and I complied. I honestly have no issues with him saying he isn't comfortable with that. My husband has aked that I don't share sexual details with my friends and I wouldn't anyway. My friend and I are very close and we share most things but I do hold back on some things as I respect my husbands privacy.

Of course you can come back from this. If you want to.

Absolutely agree, I would need a lobotomy to get into bed again with him.

Op you have no reason anymore to be faithful to this man, for being faithful for a woman, is the fundamental cornerstone of a marriage and without faithfulness there is nothing.

His faithfulness in body and mind, has gone.

Nope.
The rationale he provided is pathetic.
You need to make a decision you can live with @Queens26

I could not come back from this. OP he has betrayed you in multiple ways.

He's spoken about your sex life (and god knows what else) in a derogatory manner to a work colleague??!

He's flirted with her. We can see that. God knows what he's done in person.

He's emotionally cheated with this woman - this is my opinion, whether anyone else agrees. They may not have physically done anything but for me, this is cheating. That's if there HASN'T been anything physical.

He has quite literally shattered everything you had. For some fucking dirty talk.

This is unforgivable for me and I am so, so sorry you are experiencing this

Let me add my own two 🙄🙄.

Damn right I'd check and a lot more besides! Women are intuitive for a reason. We have the right to find out WTF is happening in our own lives!

So many women only find out the truth by looking. I did with my ex. His phone records after weeks of him denying anything was going on.

I could pinpoint the day he met her and he was driving me mental pretending he hadn't which is a cruelty in it's own right.

Once I knew the truth, I was able to get him out. Keep him out and buy his half of the house of him that is now worth an absolute mint. If I hadn't had that bit of information, I never would.

Women need to do more for their own self protection, not less. The cheating men in their lives are not going to!

He's blaming her but she's not married to you. He let you down when he didn't shut things down asap.

And if he was intimidated by her why did he continue the conversation instead of trying to back out of it? Your husband is a cheating liar. Don't be one of the posters (there's been a few especially the my fiance did this on his stag...) who believes his pitiful excuses and then just goes back to normal.

He is sorry. Sorry he's been caught out. For me it'd not just be the sexual conversation that would annoy me but the fact he thought it was okay to talk about your personal details. He's a scumbag. Tell him so and get rid.

This (his reason) is BS start to finish. He's trying though and his effort has to be applauded (not). He's even trying to get you to feel sorry for her being so statuesque and intimidating, poor soul.

This would make me disrespect him even further. What a wanker!

This. He is colluding with her against you. No way is he doing that because he's afraid of her.

Ick.

There is a chance that the woman is a trans gender woman.

Your DH should ask for a permanant change of office space so that he doesn't have to be intimidated by her anymore.
He needs to feel comfortable to go to work and never meet her again.

Also have counselling together about trust and being able to discuss intimate issues.

The result of the counselling and whether or not DH was able to segregate from the colleague and whether or not you trusted him to no longer speak about your sex life to strangers etc. would determine, long term, if I would remain in the marriage.

Are you on glue? He's putting his wife down to a colleague in the context of a sexual conversation. Massive betrayal.

OP, he's bored with your sex life and instead of talking about it to you, he goes and complains to this randomer, and not even in neutral language but quite hurtful language? These communication problems will only get worse. He doesn't even sound like he's trying to make amends in your updates. I don't think you can trust a man like this.

Sorry op. I’ve read your updates and he sounds pathetic. I would get rid.

She is leading it? He has literally discussed the details of his sexlife with his wife .

I’d take my DH to the cleaners for the use of ‘wasn’t’ instead of ‘weren’t’, let alone all of the other stuff. I’m sorry OP. Your husband is trash.

He’s humiliated you in the most awful disgusting way. There’s no coming back from that IMO

Piece of shit.

Off you go to her then - I’ll help you pack a bag - and don’t come back.

absolutely don’t stand for this - outrageous behaviour and his excuses make him even more pathetic.

You are better off without him .

could never trust someone who did this to me .

so sorry this has happened to you.

OP if you do stay with him how on earth will you trust him working with her? That’s where the problem will lie, have you thought about that?

This. I would never want to have sex with him ever again so I would have no-where to go but out of the door.