Page 14 | To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

Queens26 · 2026-04-28T15:43:37+00:00

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments. I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages. I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while. I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in: Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me: H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time C: I am always up for trying different things H: I am all ears haha C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice C: What do you class as hardcore? H: No idea, S&M I guess haha C: That’s tame C: Most men want anal H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha H: Sounds scary haha C: I’d be gentle and start small H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha C: That’s what you get with someone experienced I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more. I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

Mumtobabyhavoc · Yesterday 06:44

montysmaw · Yesterday 05:52

She is leading it? He has literally discussed the details of his sexlife with his wife .

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@appleberryhandcream

And nowhere did he write:
I find your remarks very inappropriate. Please stop.

Empress13 · Yesterday 06:46

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 22:24

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

how would you feel if it were the other way round a man intimidating a woman like that? The responses on this thread would be totally different!

Mumtobabyhavoc · Yesterday 06:47

user1492757084 · Yesterday 04:57

There is a chance that the woman is a trans gender woman.

Your DH should ask for a permanant change of office space so that he doesn't have to be intimidated by her anymore.
He needs to feel comfortable to go to work and never meet her again.

Also have counselling together about trust and being able to discuss intimate issues.

The result of the counselling and whether or not DH was able to segregate from the colleague and whether or not you trusted him to no longer speak about your sex life to strangers etc. would determine, long term, if I would remain in the marriage.

There is a chance that the woman is a trans gender woman.

Sorry, what?

BusyMum47 · Yesterday 06:48

BreezyMintHiker · 28/04/2026 16:45

Yeah there’s no coming back from that.

Jesus Christ. That would be an immediate ‘get the f@ck out’ for me! Ugh.

Lugol · Yesterday 06:49

tamade · Yesterday 01:43

Of course you can come back from this. If you want to.

And then what?

Wait for him to do it again?

BusyMum47 · Yesterday 06:50

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 22:24

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

He’s trying to make it all HER fault?? What a guy.

Sartre · Yesterday 06:56

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 22:24

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

Oh great so he shut you down by saying she’s beautiful albeit intimidating and that’s why he felt the need to reply to her sexual innuendo?! What a guy. He openly complained about your sex life to a female colleague in order to engage in sexting with her… If nothing else, you’re going to struggle to feel confident in bed with him now and like you have to perform like a monkey for him.

I personally don’t see any coming back from this but perhaps counselling could work. Good luck.

10namechangeslater · Yesterday 06:58

Miranda65 · 28/04/2026 16:49

You checked his phone - that in itself shows that he shouldn't trust you! So there is "fault" on both sides, tbh.

🤣

10namechangeslater · Yesterday 07:00

I could never sleep with him again so yes it would be over for me.

SparklyGlitterballs · Yesterday 07:02

Your husband sounds quite pathetic.

The things that would bother me the most are him discussing your private life - if he thinks your sex life is too vanilla then he should be talking to you about it - and him not shutting the conversations down. It's not difficult FFS. I couldn't move past this, but if you were willing to give him a chance then a condition should be him not working with this woman any longer.

99bottlesofkombucha · Yesterday 07:06

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Charlenedickens · Yesterday 07:07

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 22:24

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

Gosh that’s a shockingly bad way to try to justify it, I think every woman would have more respect if he could think of a better lie, but he’s scared of her so decided to slag off your sex life and engage in wanting sex with her.

how cringe for him. I’m scared of her. I think there is no coming back from that.

Busybeemumm · Yesterday 07:13

Your DH sounds immature and the lack of respect from him is astounding. A line has well and truly been crossed and I don't think I could continue being married to this prick.

You deserve someone soooo much better than this pathetic idiot. How can he talk like this about the mother of his child! It's one thing confiding in confidence to a friend but this is not that in any way. His colleague must be laughing at him for his lack of judgement here.

Favory · Yesterday 07:15

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/04/2026 19:32

No but the person who checks the phone loses the moral high ground. You don’t need evidence to leave someone.

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When it comes to moral high ground, he's a lot further down that hill than the OP.

Evidence is widely accepted as a basis for decision making.

OP, I'd struggle to trust him and I don't think I'd want that life for myself. A lifetime of checking or wanting to check and resisting sounds exhausting.

shhblackbag · Yesterday 07:19

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 22:24

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

Tell him he should stop digging that hole. How pathetic he sounds. Actually ridiculous..

thepariscrimefiles · Yesterday 07:20

Queens26 · 28/04/2026 22:24

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

JFC your DH is deluded if he thinks you will believe this litany of excuses and lies. I didn't realise that banter about anal sex with a work colleague is a well-known therapeutic device to help deal with the pain of infertility.

If what he says is true and he finds her so intimidating that he feels unable to shut these sexual conversations down, he is the victim of sexual harassment and he should report her. However, I think he has just pulled these ridiculous excuses out of his arse to gaslight you and make himself the victim rather than you.

SoSadSoSadSoSad · Yesterday 07:22

This is all such bollocks. He didn’t shut her down because he was enjoying himself. What a knobhead. I’d be embarrassed to be married to him.

Apprentice26 · Yesterday 07:26

ForCosyLion · Yesterday 00:28

OP, I do think you should be wary of falling victim to so many people urging you to end your marriage at once. Maybe ending it is what you'll decide, but equally, some couples grow stronger after infidelity. Just give yourself time to make the right decision for YOU. Very few people would immediately end a marriage and a family imo, despite what so many are saying they would do. Maybe it WILL end up that way, but usually it's a slower, more considered process. Lot of hot-heads on here.

There’s a lot of women who have experience
Of making the mistake for forgiving men once only for them to shit on them again
Who wished they’d never bothered the first time?
I remember talking to a divorce lawyer who said women never forget what they’ve forgiven and she’s right

OldGothNowadays · Yesterday 07:27

appleberryhandcream · 28/04/2026 16:51

I’m not sure.
She took the talk to anal.
He didn’t reply about doing anal with her. He replied that you wouldn’t like it.

Yes, it’s not ideal, but he wasn’t salivating all over her and asking her to do anal.

She was very much the one leading it.

Depends on the other messages, I would say.

When people talk about the bar being low, this is what they mean 🙄

I wouldn't even want to come back from that, OP. Do you? Really?

MaybeToxic · Yesterday 07:33

SnappyQuoter · 28/04/2026 22:39

That would be an abusive relationship. It’s one of the metrics used for abuse. You are describing an abusive controlling relationship.

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Oh gosh, please don't lose sight of some marriages actually being wholesome, trustworthy, loving, respectful, collaborative etc... my husband and I are two sides of the same coin. That's not abuse, that's respectful, kind love!!

Rooroobear · Yesterday 07:44

Op please don’t fall for his bullshit about feeling sorry for her and she’s quite open about sex. What a load of shit. He should have shut her down straight away. NO MATTER WHAT. This is the start of it. As soon as I saw your update the first thing that popped into my mind was the script! This will be the very beginning, trust us.

appleberryhandcream · Yesterday 07:55

Mumtobabyhavoc · Yesterday 06:44

@appleberryhandcream

And nowhere did he write:
I find your remarks very inappropriate. Please stop.

Show quote history

I didn’t say he did?

i didn’t say it was good.

I agree he has crossed a line and it is not acceptable.

But the OP has admitted they are having a rough patch. He is speaking to a colleague about it. No, it’s not really appropriate because she’s female and incredibly predatory from the sounds of it. But she’s laying it on a plate for him and he’s not saying “great, let’s do anal then”, is he? No, he’s not. She’s talking about all the dirty things she would do, and he brings the conversation back to his wife.

I’m not saying he’s a paragon of virtue. But he doesn’t sound into this woman. It sounds to me like he’s needed someone to talk to about their relationship, he’s chosen the wrong person, she’s pursuing him and for whatever reason (ego boost, people pleaser etc) he’s not shutting it down. But he’s also not particularly encouraging it.

That conversation could have taken many, much worse turns along the way. And if he wanted to, he would already be shagging her.

Thats why I said it depends on the other messages, because from this exchange, it doesn’t sound like he actually wants to.

Which is why I also said this would merit a major dressing down and assurances it would not happen again.

But I think it’s way over the top to end a marriage over this, particularly where children are involved. And I suspect that many of you saying “that would be the end for me, I could never come back from that” would find yourselves thinking very differently if you were actually in that situation.

Irridescence · Yesterday 08:01

He finds her intimidating yet they are the same seniority wise. Do me a favour.

He is utterly pathetic. He has been enjoying face to face sex talk and been flirting, leading up to the childish texting. Not only did he cross several lines there, he then went on to say he found your sex life boring, and indicated to her what you wouldn’t permit in the bedroom. How are you meant to have a sex life after that.

This is all nonsense. You could easily shut down that type of conversation straight away. He is encouraging it.

The woman sounds desperate for attention. Your husband doesn’t actually sound as into her, but looks like he would go along with it for a non boring shag.

Both are repulsive but you are only married to one of them. This would be the end for me. He should not have been in this situation in the first place, and then he has made it worse by complaining about you, and then tried to justify it as being intimidated by her like a little victim. None of this says this would be someone I wished to be tethered to. He has broken trust and is a complete man child idiot too.

eastegg · Yesterday 08:07

appleberryhandcream · Yesterday 07:55

I didn’t say he did?

i didn’t say it was good.

I agree he has crossed a line and it is not acceptable.

But the OP has admitted they are having a rough patch. He is speaking to a colleague about it. No, it’s not really appropriate because she’s female and incredibly predatory from the sounds of it. But she’s laying it on a plate for him and he’s not saying “great, let’s do anal then”, is he? No, he’s not. She’s talking about all the dirty things she would do, and he brings the conversation back to his wife.

I’m not saying he’s a paragon of virtue. But he doesn’t sound into this woman. It sounds to me like he’s needed someone to talk to about their relationship, he’s chosen the wrong person, she’s pursuing him and for whatever reason (ego boost, people pleaser etc) he’s not shutting it down. But he’s also not particularly encouraging it.

That conversation could have taken many, much worse turns along the way. And if he wanted to, he would already be shagging her.

Thats why I said it depends on the other messages, because from this exchange, it doesn’t sound like he actually wants to.

Which is why I also said this would merit a major dressing down and assurances it would not happen again.

But I think it’s way over the top to end a marriage over this, particularly where children are involved. And I suspect that many of you saying “that would be the end for me, I could never come back from that” would find yourselves thinking very differently if you were actually in that situation.

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He is encouraging it. ‘I’m all ears’. Talking about what sort of sex he would want and what he wouldn’t. And when anal is mentioned it’s telling that he doesn’t actually shut it down but says something clearly calculated to get her view on it.

It’s also very important to remember imo that these are messages, not an in person conversation. Loads easier to take your time and say what you want to say, or just ignore. None of the pressure and awkwardness of in person. Unforgivable imo.

Charlenedickens · Yesterday 08:10

appleberryhandcream · Yesterday 07:55

I didn’t say he did?

i didn’t say it was good.

I agree he has crossed a line and it is not acceptable.

But the OP has admitted they are having a rough patch. He is speaking to a colleague about it. No, it’s not really appropriate because she’s female and incredibly predatory from the sounds of it. But she’s laying it on a plate for him and he’s not saying “great, let’s do anal then”, is he? No, he’s not. She’s talking about all the dirty things she would do, and he brings the conversation back to his wife.

I’m not saying he’s a paragon of virtue. But he doesn’t sound into this woman. It sounds to me like he’s needed someone to talk to about their relationship, he’s chosen the wrong person, she’s pursuing him and for whatever reason (ego boost, people pleaser etc) he’s not shutting it down. But he’s also not particularly encouraging it.

That conversation could have taken many, much worse turns along the way. And if he wanted to, he would already be shagging her.

Thats why I said it depends on the other messages, because from this exchange, it doesn’t sound like he actually wants to.

Which is why I also said this would merit a major dressing down and assurances it would not happen again.

But I think it’s way over the top to end a marriage over this, particularly where children are involved. And I suspect that many of you saying “that would be the end for me, I could never come back from that” would find yourselves thinking very differently if you were actually in that situation.

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This is quite dismaying that you interprets like this, I do wonder about your critical thinking skills and reading of very clear situations, you can clearly see you’re in a minority, he’s clearly enouraging her, telling her he’s all ears. And this isn’t their only messaging exchange, they are engaging in sex talk and the assumption that she’s some sort of sex pest and he’s some scared little man just wanting to talk about his wife is clearly very adrift from the reality of this situation