To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

It's true to me it's less led by him and he's almost a bit embarrassed sounding. But that's no excuse.

The fact he said 'im all ears' kind of leant into the anal chat.

He should not have been talking at length about his sex life with her. That's the main betrayal.

Yeah he admitted that she gives off those ‘vibes’ (his words not mine) and that was the part he referred to about being scared (“obviously I wouldn’t let someone do that to me”)

I am sorry but I agree with the others, I think your relationship is broken beyond repair. Unless you both want to work very hard on fixing it.

Has he said he'll block her and stop messaging? Is he open with his phone, no secrecy or dodgy behaviour?

He may have just been stupid. I'm not minimising the hurt but I bet many men would be delighted to have a woman messaging them like this. All depends if he genuinely does regret it or if it's just gone underground with hidden chats. Keep digging.

He isn’t secretive with it at all, and he hasn’t said about blocking her. He said she got his number from another group chat they are both in, he didn’t give it to her.

What has he said to reassure you this won't develop more he doesn't sound remorseful at all. I can't imagine saying those things to a work colleague intimidating or not. And to put you down and make out like your sex life is boring that's so heartbreaking she didn't intimidate him into saying that if she was asking him randomly about your sex life he could have said yes it's great end of he gave her information

If you think he genuinely regrets it and have no reason to think work dos or overnight trips have involved anything going on with her then tell him he has to block her and tell her to stop. If he is willing to accept his stupidity and hasn't got form for cheating then that has to be the starting point if anything is to be redeemed.

If he won't to that it'd be a no from me.

She is the one driving the direction of that conversation. I suggest you don’t let her drive the direction of your marriage. He need to cut her off and the two of you need to focus on your marriage. Make some couples time (dates and at home). If you struggle to improve your relationship by yourselves then get marriage counselling.

Agree so when a man says he cheated cause of a 'rough patch' you've really got to be critical of this.

Happy men cheat and unhappy men can be faithful!

I don’t want to blame the woman. She must have had signs that my H would have been receptive. This is what I kept saying to him last night. He says that he thinks she mis-judged his friendliness for something more. But it is a huge leap to go from ‘friends’ to having a discussion like that.

Op, well done so many want to blame the woman. It is very clear from that message exchange it is not the first, but a continuation of a theme. No one randomly texts a colleague out of the blue offering anal. Seriously it simply doesn’t happen.

@Queens26

Personally - it seems to me that she is just bored, lonely, etc. Also - older and very relaxed about sex. It's not emotional for her, just hedonistic. And - she is in a very different phase of life than you.

It seems your relationship is going through a very usual struggle of a young(ish) couple with a small child. You are tired, life is a struggle in many ways, so the relationship between you and your H suffers. Very often women shut down physically - I have been there myself, so can relate. Men, on the other hand, do not. And this is where problems often start.

Your H does not sound like he is pursuing her. She is sexually confident, and you'd probably call it aggressive. So - she pushes boundaries. Yes - he has not pushed back, but also did not encourage it. It's sexual bunter - sure. But - it's not at all emotional.

You can divorce, if you think that would make you happier in life.

Or, you can take it as a wake up call for your relationship - and see if you two can't work on it properly. Talk openly, maybe go to family therapy and see if you can change things to make each other happier.

People on MN don't like talking about sexual boredom in a relationship. It shouldn't exist, unless it's a woman who feels bored. But sex is a part of the glue that holds a relationship together. So - if you do stay together and work on it - you'll both need to address the physical intimacy side of things...

I said it to the last one and I’ll say it to you ODFOD

Well that’s a well argued point 🤣

In my experience, it’s never the same after you find messages like this.

It sounds like you are going to just accept what he's done and carry on then OP. Even though you said there was no coming back from it?

See this is the sort of advice that pisses me off.
70% of men cheat for sexual variety - according to the psychologist David Buss.
70%!! Now OK that's not all men but it is the majority!

Generally speaking, men's happiness with their primary relationship has not much to do with whether or not they cheat.

The good news is that us women can be free of blaming ourselves, the bad news is that it's out of our control so all the frigging sexy underwear and date nights, therapy etc make no flipping difference.

The OP has a difficult decision to make: put up with him humiliating her as long as they both live or separate.

I wouldn't judge her on either.

Where have I said I’ve accepted it? Did you really expect me to have turned my life upside down without consideration. This is real life, not a soap opera for your entertainment!

By talking with him, asking him why he did it, etc. None of it matters. You read it and decided that there was no going back so what you really should be talking about is how the separation is going to work.

By not doing that, it indicates that you are going to accept what he's done and carry on as you were.

How the hell did she misjudge his friendliness when he was telling her you had a boring sex life??

He could have spoke to you and said that since you had given birth he feels you’ve both been taking each other for granted. That he wants to go out on dates and feel as close as you used to be and add some excitement into your sex life! Or he could have said I feel our sex life has become another chore which is normal when you have young children but I miss our closeness and would like to experiment in the bedroom to add some spice.

He should not be putting all the blame on his colleague and bleating about being a victim of sexual harassment! He needs to man up, admit he is in the wrong and asking you to forgive him for discussing you in such derogatory terms. Then he needs to realise a tweak of the nipple, a touch down there to check you are wet and a five second hump doesn’t do it for you. He needs to make the effort too and not expect you to make all the effort!
If I were you I’d dress up as a sexy nurse with nine inch heels, ruby red lips, undress him, get him to bend over and stick a huge dildo up his bum and ask if the chilli you had smeared on the tip of dildo was enough spice for today!

This has made me laugh.
Keep hearing it in my head in the voice of Private Frazer from Dad's Army.

OP's dh is very much a stupid boy, too. 😁

Well he's made his sex life even more boring for himself now as you surely can't ever have sex with him after this! He'll be wishing for missionary rather than getting none.
Sorry Queens, not laughing at your situation but he really has caused this situation by going along with it and then lying and putting the blame on her for leading him on - what a complete turn off for you.

As a previous poster said, you will always have this on your mind when it comes to sex and will feel self conscious through no fault of your own.
He's ruined that side of your relationship without even having sex with someone else, this is enough of a betrayal.

OP’s dh is such a bullshitter . He was intimidated.., yeah right.
Op’s dh has made their intimacy public , now she will be left feeling like she has to perform like a Cirque du Soleil acrobat instead of feeling safe with her husband .
Op, your husband is a lying asshole .. excuse the pun

Seriously?
OP isnt the one planning a bum-party with a colleague.

This!