To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

Quite apart from the obvious immorality and grossness of having an affair, I can't imagine the stress of needing to keep your partner away from your device the whole time. I don't know how cheaters aren't on tenterhooks 24/7. Sounds 100 percent not worth it to me, even if you were someone who doesn't care about the immoral aspect.

Neither would I, if I'd found something. As if checking your spouse's phone because they gave you a reason could compare with what he's done!

A total betrayal, op, to discuss - or criticise - your sex life with anybody outside of your marriage. How you would come back from that with the wonderful stud you are obviously married to (??) is hard to imagine. For whatever reason/excuse he hs driven a sledgehammer right through the intimate side of your marriage. How you come back from that, if indeed you want to, is hard to imagine. I wish you luck and happiness whatever you decide to do. Personally, for what it's worth, I'd tell him to shove it...she would most certainly be able to tell him where.

She does sound really vile, doesn't she.

this I mean I do squirm when he sees my shopping basket.lol I can't imagine anything else how bloody stressful.

I think it’s one of the signs of an affair that they never leave their phone lying around, don’t have notifications displayed on the screen, flinch if they’ve left it for a minute and someone goes near it etc. it must be exhausting!

Having said all that, someone I know (not by choice) has got caught so many times he now has two phones. So I guess you’d never see the evidence because he keeps it all on a secret phone, the absolute little twat.

Oh I have no issue with my husband reading my messages. Worst he will read is me bitching to a friend about some stupid shit he or the kids did.lol Honestly I don't share things with others Im not ok with him not knowing. He is the same. He is the same.

I think this is probably how I'd react, too, if it was a first offence and we had a child. I'd be really hurt though.

This.

He didn't talk to you and share how he felt but shared with his work colleague. What a dick.

Would you really though, if he was your husband whom you loved and with whom you had a young child? Maybe you would, but so many people on here say similar replies to posts like this, and I'm really not sure that everyone would react the way they say they would.

But other people might share thing with you that are private to them, and they trust you not to blab their private business to your husband. You are not one entity. And plenty of people do discuss things with friends that their husbands shouldn’t know about. Everyone is entitled to a private life.

A committed trusting relationship is not one in which you sit and read each other’s messages.

And you bought it!

It’s over OP , he is a cheater and honestly he showed you so much disrespect in those message it would be impossible to forget . I’m truly sorry

There would be no going back for me because I'd honestly never be able to have sex with him again.

I'd always feel like I had to perform because the comments would always be on my mind and how could you ever just do missionary again without thinking about what he said to that woman?

Also I couldn't cope with him going to work every day knowing he's working and sitting with her. Wondering what they are talking about.

It would destroy everything for me..

Oh my god it gets worse if thats even possible. Gutted for you op. Hes truly disgusting.

Exactly. After Dr foster we all know that there are two phones. His normal phone and one kept in the boot of his car that he has his affair on 😆

He will say anything now to not be uncomfortable.

If hes intimidated by her he'll have a case for a grievance, suggest he puts one in as a condition of you forgiving him if youre heading that way, see how honest he is being about feeling "intimidated"

I'm sorry OP but he sounds really stupid.

She's not confident at all - she's tragically desperate.

Did he find her “intimidating” when he was slagging off your sex life to her?

Did he find her intimidating when he was discussing how you wouldn’t want anal sex?

Dud he find her intimidating when he was encouraging her to engage in dirty talk with him (“I’m all ears”)?

He’s just making stuff up to try and get himself out of the hole he’s dug himself into. Intimidating, my arse.

It’s up to you how you respond OP but he should know that he can’t just make up a load of excuses to wriggle out of the consequences. Much as I am inclined to take a very dim view of any person who gets involved with someone in a relationship, he’s the guilty party here. And he can’t get away with claiming interchangeably that it was because either a) the big scary woman made him do sex talk or b) he felt sorry for this poor woman so thought he’d share his big manly sex talk with her.

And bear in mind their conversations might be worse in person.

I’d ask him for some space while you figure out what you want to do, personally. Let him sweat while you think about how you feel.

So sorry though OP, this must have been horrible to find 💐

Sadly, even if true, doesn't explain why he said anything about your relationship. He should've been quiet on that front and why would you tell anyone who intimidates such personal secrets?

A man who will engage in this sort of chat with another woman is just 🤮 Not for me. And you need to decide if it's for u. I wouldn't say have stern words and try and change him. He's shown his true nature and intent. He didn't 'make a mistake'or b😍was kind to a colleague 🤔 he loved it and found it exciting. Again 🤮

to me it reads like hes being given a menu, but hes only thinking about you when hes answering her points

and the general view on mumsnet is its always the men that are the wrong ones

OP, I do think you should be wary of falling victim to so many people urging you to end your marriage at once. Maybe ending it is what you'll decide, but equally, some couples grow stronger after infidelity. Just give yourself time to make the right decision for YOU. Very few people would immediately end a marriage and a family imo, despite what so many are saying they would do. Maybe it WILL end up that way, but usually it's a slower, more considered process. Lot of hot-heads on here.