To think there’s no coming back from these messages between DH and his colleague?

[Queens26]

‘D’H and I haven’t been in a great place for a while but both have said we want to try to make things work. It has mainly been the stress of having a young child and a couple of other big arguments.

I know he is quite friendly with an older colleague (late 40’s, he’s 32) but have grown a bit suspicious for a couple of reasons which meant I have checked his phone. The first time, what I found gave me reason to look again, and I found really (to me) explicit messages.

I don’t believe the colleague is single, but she’s in a very casual relationship which she isn’t happy with and sounds like it has been over for a while.

I think this is the most upsetting exchange, I took photos on my phone so he couldn’t deny things. There are various emojis which I’ve not added in:

Colleague: I feel like we’d have so much fun, you wouldn’t need to complain about a lack of excitement with me:
H: I just feel bored, we never do anything different and it’s the same thing she wants every time
C: I am always up for trying different things
H: I am all ears haha
C: I am open minded, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if two adults on same page
H: Yeah I don’t want anything hardcore just something other than missionary once in a while would be nice
C: What do you class as hardcore?
H: No idea, S&M I guess haha
C: That’s tame
C: Most men want anal
H: Yeah I think I’d get punched if I suggested that at home haha
C: I wouldn’t punch you but my rule is you’d have to be willing to receive for me to agree haha
H: Sounds scary haha
C: I’d be gentle and start small
H: You wasn’t lying when you said your open minded haha
C: That’s what you get with someone experienced

I confronted him last night, he became upset and said he hated himself for sending these and didn’t mean anything by it and that it was a ‘fantasy’ and no more.

I can’t help but think a line has been crossed, I am sure they haven’t done anything physical but for me messages that extreme have to be deemed cheating?

She sounds awful. Yuk.

Frankly, i'd be disappointed in his extremely poor taste and instantly go completely off him. Then i'd be cross at the betrayal for a bit, but then i'd realise that i didn't want him anymore anyway so i'd calmly move on.

I would be less upset that shes "joking" about pegging him and anal and more disgusted he talked about your sex life in such detail and degoritory ways. I wouldnt get over that

in a committed relationship everything is open and shared

Oh wow she’s not messing about is she he should hate himself that’s unbelievable and she’s a bitch she might as well said come and get me now. Not sure what you’re going to do op but that’s bad.

Nope. In a committed relationship, you don’t go nosing into people’s stuff.

I can’t get past how thoroughly boring the conversation is on both sides. That has to be least sexy conversation ever. Like a 6 year old has written it ‘and then we can do that and then we can do the other’

We’ve discussed it in more detail tonight.

He says he feels sorry for her because she has had some terrible relationships over the years and wasn’t able to have kids. He says he didn’t shut that exchange down because he found/finds her ‘intimidating’. I asked what he means and he said he has never known a woman to be so ‘confident’ about sex and that she is quite ‘statuesque’ in person so commands attention.

I think the latter comments were really clumsy and I’ve told him they have made me feel worse if anything.

Sorry this has happened. Personally I'd really struggle to trust someone who could say those thinga about sex life to a colleague.

Well he started it and then his first few lines are encouraging her. Did he have anything to say about that?

Yes, I can see she is someone to feel sorry for . That isn’t confidence, it’s the opposite, it’s try hard and cringey.

She will have bad relationships, the kind of men she will pick up by being so desperate and texting like that are never going to be the good ones.

Omg what a lying bastard he’s telling you what he thinks will help him. He’s a grown man feeling sorry for a women who wants to jump his bones and he can’t say hey that’s in appropriate I’m married. Nah he’s fucking laughing at you I bet he tells her about it and they laugh then say oh must delete our texts from now on. I hope you don’t believe him. You caught him now he’s back peddling because if that was you doing them texts with another man he certainly wouldn’t be happy. He’s basically told her my wife’s boring in bed she lies back whilst I do all the work I need more. You don’t discuss this stuff as part of your daily chit chat.

Hmm so “I would if I felt like I could handle her”.

So sorry, you don’t deserve this 💐

ODFOD means Oh do fuck off dear

Well it doesn't mean you do go nosing. But my husband the other day picked up my phone and just used it to do something. There is full trust on both sides. We struggle in a lot of things but we have a policy of full open communication with our devices.

Eek I still wouldn't be happy. The fact he didn't change subject and encouraged it does not say to me he felt intimidated he is interested and intrigued.

And I agree with @arethereanyleftatall its not confident, it’s “pick me! I’ll do literally anything”

That would be an abusive relationship. It’s one of the metrics used for abuse. You are describing an abusive controlling relationship.

Time to fuck him off.

You say this is the most upsetting exchange. What did the others say? Do you think it is a emotional affair or he
would have acted on anything? I would be so hurt at the fact he was discussing my sex life with a work colleague. I think if you want to stay together than couples counselling would be a good idea. What is is with these bloody men and their egos. Sorry OP, hope you are ok.

No, that is different. My partner can use my phone and I can use his, if it’s the closest one. But trusting one another to use our phones for looking something up or ordering take out or whatever also comes hand in hand with trusting one another not to then go into our messages or our emails and start reading them. That is trust both ways.

He can use my phone. He cannot read my messages or emails. If he did that, then trust would be broken and we would be over. I can use his phone, but I cannot sit and read through his messages.

A committed relationship does not equal full and unfettered access to someone’s messages and private conversations with friends and family. That is an abusive relationship.

The OP should not have read his messages. Relationship was over when she did that. But it was also already over, because he is a cheat. His transgression is worse than hers, but the behaviour from both sides shows that this relationship is dead.

The update is even more WTF than the original post!

Don't be so silly. Do you think he has schrodinger's phone? By the act of checking it, OP has caused it to contain evidence of her husband's betrayal that he'd otherwise have been innocent of?

Of course he’s saying that. Because what else is he going to say? What a weasel!

Sounds like she's desperate and your H isn't in a good place either. I'd try counselling if you think there's a chance for your relationship. You have a child together and being on your own isn't a walk in the park.

If you let him get away with this he’ll think he’ll get away with it again and if not caught it will turn into what they’re talking about. Get rid.

This is the bit for me too. Forgot all the dirty talk from her (she sounds hideous). It's him slating you. That's just hugely disrespectful and for me it would be over.