AIBU to feel foolish for not noticing my husband's affair?

[Nicoleyi]

Hi all, so my DH well I guess ex-DH and I have been married for 3 years, together for 6 years. We are mid 30s, we have one son who is 2 years old.
Last week he told me he has been having an affair for the best part of the last year. Obviously I’m beyond devastated, but what’s hurt more than anything is the way I really just had no idea. I could never have guessed it.

For context he works in an industry where after work drinks or even lunch time drinks are fairly standard practice. When we had DS we agreed Thursday nights he would go for after work drinks, what he did at lunch time was his business and there would probably be one other night in the month he’d go out, straight from work.

One of his best friends is a woman about 3 years younger. They met through his old flat mates, have known each other about a decade. She was at our wedding, she has met our son and was at his first birthday party. She works in a different industry from DH but their offices are in the same area. I knew he sometimes met her for a drink at lunch time or for drinks after work. I had no reason not to trust her, she’d been nothing but nice to me, is engaged or at least she was to my knowledge. She is one of his many female friends.

Last week DH told me he needed to talk to me, he confessed he’s been sleeping with her for almost a year, sometimes Thursdays after work, sometimes on Mondays or Fridays when he would tell me he was going to work in the office so I didn’t need to worry about keeping DS quiet but would actually work from her flat.
I felt totally blindsided, I drank wine with her not 2 months ago as I stopped to have a drink at the pub DHs friends and colleagues go to before DH and I went out on a date!

At the weekend I asked him to leave and I’ve now found out from his mother he is not staying with her at all but is staying at this woman’s flat!

AIBU to feel so bloody stupid for not noticing this? I can’t believe he either lied to me so well I had truly no idea or I was so bloody naive as to not notice!

So sorry OP
sending hugs xx

YABU for feeling foolish. He set out to deceive you and worked hard at his lies. Why on earth should you feel foolish?

Sorry this has happened. Best of luck OP.

You are definitely being unreasonable to feel stupid. You should be able to trust your own husband!

All the fault here lies with him. Cut yourself some slack.

Sending hugs x

Well because it’s such a low down snake like thing to do that you would never do yourself it wasn’t even on your radar that they could behave like this. If anything you not realising reflects well on you.

Dont feel foolish. I used to know a couple of men who regularly had affairs and their wives had no clue. Because of the positions they had at work, their routines did not change at all.

whats your plan?

They’re both a pair of cunts OP. He’s by far the bigger of the two of course, but she has no excuses either given that she knows you.

I’m so sorry. There’s no reason for you to feel anything other than betrayed and angry, and you can feel those both in absolute buckets x

i said you are not being unreasonable because it’s clearly him that has been awful. He’sa deceptive rat, you have done nothing wrong.
i think you’re voting system won’t work because some will think like me and others will think like pp

Shame on him, not you.

I’m shocked she could be so brazen to sit drinking with you, ten months into an affair with your husband. Some people have absolutely no moral standards.

i’m sure they’ll feel differently in the cold light of day, a hot affair is one thing but Saturday mornings being woken up by not-her-toddler and her flat being overrun with kids toys are a nice dose of reality. The judgement they’ll face from friends and family will be sobering. I know I would look very differently at a friend of mine if she was carrying on with a man who had a wife and 2 year old, same for a male friend who would put his family through this.

pair of absolute tramps.

Don't waste time feeling cross with yourself.
But do start thinking about the next steps.

Op if you want an example of a fool I was finding used condoms and BDSM equipment in my last relationship
he wouldn’t let me meet his female ‘best friend’
I stayed for the best part of 2.5 years with my gut screaming at me
it wasn’t until someone told me the ‘pet name’ this (much older) woman called him was a ‘sub name’ after we split up that it all fell into place.
you’re not foolish. If he hadn’t given any previous reason not to trust him then Why shouldn’t you trust your husband .

It's natural to feel you 'should have known' - it's an instinctive response to make yourself feel you could protect yourself in future.

But no, you were deceived by someone going out of their way to deceive you. You trusted him because you are a trustworthy person yourself.

Try to focus on yourself as you feel now, how you want to progress now you do know. You have done nothing wrong.

How awful for you but, no, you aren't foolish at all for not noticing his affair.
You trusted him & treated him like a responsible, honourable adult as you should treat a person you have married & had a child with but he betrayed your trust & acted like a selfish immature fool.

The fault is entirely his but I do feel for you having to discover how he has been behaving.
I hope you have a good support network around you.
The next step is to see a lawyer.

The shame is all theirs - you're no fool. You deserve better and it will ultimately be his loss. What an absolute twat. Can you get some support from friends and family? Please prioritise your well being and be kind to yourself as you process HIS betrayal.

OP hugs 🫂
You have nothing to be ashamed about. Him and her on the other hand wow!

He has made his bed and gone to lie in it.

YABU - we explain so much away when it's someone we love and trust.

Put it this way - my ex accidentally shared full naked body and cock-shots from his hotel bathroom to the family share (imagine that popping up on the TV - this is why I don't have idle photograph albums anymore!) - MORE THAN ONCE - and I believed his explanation that he was just proud of the weight he'd lost and being silly taking pics posing.

Of course he bloody wasn't. But I was trusting.

Aw love, of course you're being unreasonable. That's a horrible shock for you and as others have said, you're supposed to trust your spouse and he's worked hard to keep this from you. They are a pair of morally bankrupt beings and karma will have them.

Take care of yourself and your boy and you will one day be pleased the rubbish took itself out. Good luck to you xxxx

Don't feel foolish OP, although I can see why you might. He’s the fool.
You need to get proactive now: get all the financial evidence you need ready for divorce.

You certainly shouldn't feel foolish OP. Your husband has betrayed you in the worst possible way at a time when you are at your most vulnerable after just having a baby.

That he can look at his child and think that this is an ideal time to begin an affair shows what an utter cunt he is while masquerading as a decent husband and father.

Do you have people that can support you at this awful time?

Don't you dare feel like a fool! Absolute fucking snakes, the pair of them. Karma is real and they'll get what they deserve.

You're no fool for trusting your husband. You SHOULD be able to trust your husband. It's not as if he told you anything that sounded far fetched or a lie. And her? Doing that and then drinking wine with you and being nice to your face? I could never...what an absolute bitch.

I'm so sorry. 💐

You didn’t see it coming because he set out to deceive you from the start in a calculated way and this kind of behaviour probably never crossed your mind. And sometimes in life you can’t understand people’s behaviour because they’re awful people and it’s a credit to you, a good person, that you can’t understand the why.

I bet his new partner does see it coming when it happens to her. Every time he says he’s going to the office. May the pair of bastards never know a moments peace between them.

You aren't foolish, you simply trusted your husband. My ex partner cheated on me, and I fell for every lie he fed me. I had no reason not to believe what he told me! It's the same for you, if you'd been looking for infidelity, then you may have been suspicious, but you weren't because it hadn't crossed your mind.

Don't beat yourself up over the fact you weren't even remotely suspicious.

You now need to remember that your husband is no longer on your team. He doesn't have your best interests or that of your child at heart. Unfortunately, as upset as your MIL may be with your husband, he's still her son, and her loyalty will lay firmly with him. Don't disclose anything to your in-laws (including any siblings your husband may have), that you don't want your husband to know!!! Play your cards close to your chest.

from everything you’ve written there were no glaring signs
you’ve not missed anything because there wasn’t anything

There are 2 fools in this situation and neither of them are you.
Sorry op, horrible shock and his deception for a year was cruel. You don’t deserve this.
Hope you have friends and family in real life who can support you going forwards.

I’m so sorry. This is not on you. You shouldn’t have to be vigilant. He abused your trust and should feel throughly ashamed of himself. You’ve done nothing wrong.

The only fools here are the pair of cheating twats. They deserve eachother. I hope you tell her fiancé before he marries her!