AIBU to feel foolish for not noticing my husband's affair?

[Nicoleyi]

Hi all, so my DH well I guess ex-DH and I have been married for 3 years, together for 6 years. We are mid 30s, we have one son who is 2 years old.
Last week he told me he has been having an affair for the best part of the last year. Obviously I’m beyond devastated, but what’s hurt more than anything is the way I really just had no idea. I could never have guessed it.

For context he works in an industry where after work drinks or even lunch time drinks are fairly standard practice. When we had DS we agreed Thursday nights he would go for after work drinks, what he did at lunch time was his business and there would probably be one other night in the month he’d go out, straight from work.

One of his best friends is a woman about 3 years younger. They met through his old flat mates, have known each other about a decade. She was at our wedding, she has met our son and was at his first birthday party. She works in a different industry from DH but their offices are in the same area. I knew he sometimes met her for a drink at lunch time or for drinks after work. I had no reason not to trust her, she’d been nothing but nice to me, is engaged or at least she was to my knowledge. She is one of his many female friends.

Last week DH told me he needed to talk to me, he confessed he’s been sleeping with her for almost a year, sometimes Thursdays after work, sometimes on Mondays or Fridays when he would tell me he was going to work in the office so I didn’t need to worry about keeping DS quiet but would actually work from her flat.
I felt totally blindsided, I drank wine with her not 2 months ago as I stopped to have a drink at the pub DHs friends and colleagues go to before DH and I went out on a date!

At the weekend I asked him to leave and I’ve now found out from his mother he is not staying with her at all but is staying at this woman’s flat!

AIBU to feel so bloody stupid for not noticing this? I can’t believe he either lied to me so well I had truly no idea or I was so bloody naive as to not notice!

Oh, op. I’m so sorry. And no, you aren’t foolish at all for not noticing. As a PP has said, you judged them both by your own standards. You would never do such a thing so you automatically assumed they wouldn’t either. Pair of utter cunts, they deserve each other.
As you process this, I think you will find that there WERE times where a very quiet and distant inner alarm rang, at the back of your mind, almost sub consciously, but you silenced that alarm because you trusted him and like I say, judged him by your own standards.
That was my experience at least. I was totally blindsided but on reflection (and this was months after I found out) I could identify two separate occasions where my own distant alarm had rung. It was literally a whisper quiet thought that floated through the back of my mind. Like you, I dismissed it. That doesn’t make me foolish, it makes me trusting of the person I loved. Because if you can’t trust them, what’s the point?
Good luck op, you’ll get through this.

This is not on you op. Of course you should be able to trust your husband! They are despicable and have behaved appallingly.

OP yes you're being unreasonable for feeling foolish - you did nothing foolish, you just trusted your husband! We should be able to trust our partner otherwise what's the point?

He's an absolute scumbag and so is she. They bloody deserve each other! You've had a horrible shock and betrayal and you need time to recover. I hope you've got good friends to support you. Get good legal advice too.

I put YABU because you are being unreasonable to criticise yourself for not realising. You trusted him and he abused that trust. That’s on him, not you in any way.

no you aren’t foolish, you trusted him and he was a cock.

Don’t let it define you though, do whatever you need to now, but keep the relationship open as much as you need to coparent. That’s kind of a priority in the long term. And let yourself trust other people again….that might take time, but you have to.

Of course you're not stupid. You're just unfortunate that not only is your husband a cheat, but he's a particularly ruthless and conscienceless cheat, prepared to go to great lengths to hide in plain sight.
He cynically engineered the situation to mininimise the chances you'd become suspicious by hiding the affair behind a friendship and including you in that friendship to reduce the risk of suspicion even further.
There was no reason for you to suspect. He made sure of that on every level.
I'm sorry for you, because you have experienced the worst sort of cheat. The premeditated, skilled liar able to put on a convincing act when you're in the presence of the AP, prepared to allow the AP to breech the boundaries of his marriage and family to facilitate his affair. He's despicable, and most people don't stand a chance when these types set out to fool them.

You trusted your husband, which is not unreasonable at all. I'm so sorry xxx

Wow that’s awful, what a bloody pair!
How could she sit there having a drink with you 😡.

Shocking behaviour and no reason to feel foolish OP, you wouldn’t expect him to behave so appallingly.

So sorry to hear this, Do not feel foolish for trusting your husband and someone else you knew fairly well, it is not your fault they are unfortunately two people that are deceitful with very low morals as others have said!

Lots of voters, like me, have probably tripped up on the poll. None of this is your fault and you are definitely not stupid.

It's so easy for everyone to say you're not foolish for not noticing. And you're not. But I do get it. Where were the signs? The lipstick marks, the phone use, the pulling away? All the common signs? But the fact was he was calculated and cruel. And to not see it coming makes it feel worse. You have to find a way to get past these feelings, I was so stuck on feeling stupid that the angry part didn't come until so much later and by then, because I wasn't angry just stunned, I lost so much. Practical things in the divorce as well as time spent on blaming myself. I blamed myself for being foolish instead of blaming him for what he'd done. Ultimately its time to get cross. Be strong. You couldn't have done anything to stop this but now you can take absolute control over what happens next. How you live your life moving forward. Big hugs.

No you are not to blame at all here. He set out to deceive. So out that out of your mind and start to get your ducks in a row.
Get legal advice ASAP. Get all paperwork together, bank statements, proof of his earnings etc etc.. Please remember how devious he has already been so you need to assume he will continue and hide assets, claim he earns peanuts etc. This man is an accomplished liar - he has shown who he is so believe him. Do you work? Did you reduce hours after your baby? All this needs taking into account. Remain civil with in laws but tell them nothing of importance "oh my solicitor handles that". Good luck x

How were you meant to know? You were perfectly reasonable is being ok with him remaining friends with her. You trusted him as you didn't think you shouldn't. OW is now with someone she got through cheating. She'll always be wondering when he'll cheat again. Because he most likely will as his ego will need topping up. He's low but she's the lowest of the low. The shine will soon wear off esp when he realises that he'll not have the daily everyday contact with your dc.
Take care of yourself. Better to know now than years and years later. Being young, you'll cope fine. You're hurting now but trust me, you'll emerge from this stronger than you ever knew. 💐

My friend’s husband had an affair. She also went through this ‘how could I have been so stupid?’ phase. She kept remembering things that’d happened that she’d accepted or brushed off, because she had no reason to suspect anything.

What came next was fury. The ‘how fucking dare he?’ stage.

Get angry, start sorting out the next stage with legal advice and don’t let him take advantage of you.

I just wanted to say I’m so sorry. Please, please make having a STI test a priority. He’s fucked your present happiness please don’t let him fuck your future happiness.

There’s a line in a rod Stewart song that he repeats over and over again “is that the thanks I get for loving you”. You’ve done nothing wrong and look how you were treated. Outrageous.

The best piece of advice would be to put your emotions to one side for now and focus on securing the financial future for you and your ds.

You have a very small window of time in which The Cheating Bastard will be feeling guilty. It doesn’t last long. This is where you can focus any conversations on the financials for your ds.

None of this 50:50 bullshit so that he doesn’t have to pay Child Maintenance. Think about what you want for you and your ds and work from there.

Let me be very blunt. Why has he told you now? Is she pregnant?

You need to get your ducks in a row and sorted ASAP because if she is pregnant, you and DS are about to get screwed over.

I know that is the last thing you want to hear right now. But they don’t just declare that they are having an affair without reason. And it’s usually an ultimatum from the OW or pregnancy. Or both.

I’m wondering why he’s told you? As men tend not to, as in this type of man who can lead a very distinct double life.
That is a very calculating type of man. He had been aware you had absolutely no idea, that you’ve trusted him and then he has carried on regardless.
I have a feeling the OW has given him an ultimatum, and he’s been forced to tell you.
And yes he’s moved on but here’s the thing - part of the thrill for this type of horror story is the secrecy.
When any person does this, all they do is take all the issues they already have into the new situation. They learn nothing.
At some point she will have to deal with him being an ordinary man with a young child. Not quite so much fun, I am afraid. And she will be aware every time he goes for drinks it could be more than that.
When this happened to a good friend of mine, she was absolutely heartbroken with a new baby and he was an absolutely prince.
We are two decades on now. She eventually got over it, it did take a while, but she discovered so much about herself and became a pretty fearsome woman. She also got married again and her DH is an absolute gentleman.
Her ex? Well he eventually married the OW and recently he got caught cheating on her and is now in his mum’s spare room. He’s 59 and she’s 90 so what a happy ending that was for him.
There’s a special place in hell reserved for this type of OW, too.

The shame is ALL his. I’m so sorry, he has been so cruel.

This exact situation happened to a friend of mine. She told her family straight away, then all their friends.

Don’t consider hiding it, Open the secret up to the air, and you can be best supported by people around you.

Massive hugs.
I promise you, there are good guys out there x

You're not foolish, he is. And she is. Its possible she'll get tired of having him around all the time now the sneaking around is over, and he'll come crawling back to you and I hope you make him feel feel as foolish as he is.

You are a normal woman who had been horribly deceived. I'm so sorry, for your little boy too. It's one thing to cheat on a partner but to cheat on your whole family is particularly shameful.

Don’t bother wasting your energy on beating yourself up about it. He’s absolutely awful and has lied through his teeth to you. Why would you suspect? She’s just a two faced cow, but she’ll never be able to trust him and their relationship is already doomed to misery from the start. More fool her.

You're going to need to get going on the solicitor front asap. When he sees one they will probably tell him to move back in. Start a diary now of his contact/ requested contact/ his refusal of contact with your child. Do not tell him you are doing any of this and gather as much financial info as you can (his pension/ salary etc) if you have access to it. Take half of anything in the joint account. I reiterate, do not tell him you are doing any of this. Be kind to yourself. He’s had a lot of time to mentally adjust and you haven’t. None of it is your fault.

Years ago I worked in a small team and the boss was meeting prostitutes here and there as well as having many affairs in the seven years I worked there. There was no way his wife (3 kids) would or could every have known as he simply fit it all in to his daily work life.

Don't feel bad about this aspect. Get an STD check though

Not your fault, he conned you. All fault resides with him, he deliberately deceived you, he invited her out to be sat round a table with you two months ago

The shame must change sides OP. Find your anger instead. I’m so sorry