AIBU to feel foolish for not noticing my husband's affair?

[Nicoleyi]

Hi all, so my DH well I guess ex-DH and I have been married for 3 years, together for 6 years. We are mid 30s, we have one son who is 2 years old.
Last week he told me he has been having an affair for the best part of the last year. Obviously I’m beyond devastated, but what’s hurt more than anything is the way I really just had no idea. I could never have guessed it.

For context he works in an industry where after work drinks or even lunch time drinks are fairly standard practice. When we had DS we agreed Thursday nights he would go for after work drinks, what he did at lunch time was his business and there would probably be one other night in the month he’d go out, straight from work.

One of his best friends is a woman about 3 years younger. They met through his old flat mates, have known each other about a decade. She was at our wedding, she has met our son and was at his first birthday party. She works in a different industry from DH but their offices are in the same area. I knew he sometimes met her for a drink at lunch time or for drinks after work. I had no reason not to trust her, she’d been nothing but nice to me, is engaged or at least she was to my knowledge. She is one of his many female friends.

Last week DH told me he needed to talk to me, he confessed he’s been sleeping with her for almost a year, sometimes Thursdays after work, sometimes on Mondays or Fridays when he would tell me he was going to work in the office so I didn’t need to worry about keeping DS quiet but would actually work from her flat.
I felt totally blindsided, I drank wine with her not 2 months ago as I stopped to have a drink at the pub DHs friends and colleagues go to before DH and I went out on a date!

At the weekend I asked him to leave and I’ve now found out from his mother he is not staying with her at all but is staying at this woman’s flat!

AIBU to feel so bloody stupid for not noticing this? I can’t believe he either lied to me so well I had truly no idea or I was so bloody naive as to not notice!

I agree with all PPs, no words to describe how low he is. I just wanted to add that your feelings of foolishness are you processing the raw, initial shock & it'll be short lived because you are genuinely NOT the fool here. Trust your brain to do it's thing, be kind to yourself, lean on others who love you. Sending much love & strength.

This is not your fault and you are not stupid.

This is exactly what the bastards do! They abuse your trust and treat you like an idiot.

Many of us have been completely blindsided by our ex’s duplicitous ways. In my case the younger woman worked with him, was in a relationship with someone else and the couple had been to our house for dinner etc. She pretended she was just a work colleague all the while knowing they were shagging behind my back.

Find your anger and take him to the cleaners. You will never be able to trust him again and although you might want to try again, it rarely if ever works out.

Also, beware that his mum will feel conflicted but is likely to prioritise her son over you so don’t expect her to be your ally.

YABU for carrying the weight of not realising the liar is such an accomplished liar.
He had the perfect cover and was cheating with someone you trust/wouldn't suspect. Two bare-faced liars.

I'm sorry you're going through this 💐.

You've nothing to blame yourself for. You should be able to trust your husband to go to work or fit a drink. Not look back, he's a piece of shit and not worth your energy. He's a liar and disgusting. You need to figure out what you want and move forwards. You can feel happy and loved again. You can feel strong and happy being single.

So so sorry OP. What a shit he is to do this to you, especially when you have a toddler. Despicable and an awful thing to do. You’re better off without him. Don’t beat yourself up for not noticing. Why would you have expected this?

You shouldn't feel stupid for being an honest person and believing your husband was the same. Bloody typical that he told you only when he was ready to move in with her. They deserve each other.

Ugh, what a snake.

So sorry OP.

Circumstances made it easy for him to have an affair without detection. And the big changes involved in having a baby / young child mean there are fewer set patterns and more distraction, so less likely to spot any anomalies.

It’s not you , it’s him. Total betrayal.

Why did he decide to tell you? Was it because he wanted to leave you to be with her?

At least (but this is bargain basement mitigation) he told you and didn’t descend into being nasty and snappy and blaming you for months while denying there was an OW.

So sorry you are going through this.

You will get through it. There will come a day you are OK. One day at a time til then

I fully agree.

My heart broke reading this. I’m sorry you are living through this, what a vile piece of shit he is. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, you trusted your husband which you should be able to do. This could happen to anyone, he’s calculated how to hide it and is just a good liar. Not sure how he can live with himself tbh.
You cannot ever trust anything he says now so make sure you get your financials sorted. You and your child are your only priority now. One day he will wake up and realise what he threw away, and probably try to come back. Steel yourself so that you don’t cave.

Your ex DH and his “friend” are awful people! Don’t feel foolish for trusting your ex you should have been able to trust him. I hope you have a good solicitor so you can get all your ducks in a row so that things are smooth for you and your child so you can start to recover from this relationship and not end up bitter. Navigating coparenting with someone that has abused your trust so badly will be hard so make sure you have support. I am so sorry for you, but your ex definitely didn’t deserve you and you will be much happier without them once you have time to recover. Your ex and his friend are selfish people and you don’t want that in your life.

You should be able to trust your husband and you should be able to see the best in him, the fact that he decided to behave in conniving, manipulative and deceitful ways are his flaws not your failings. He and she are absolute assholes.

You have absolutely no reason to feel embarrassed! The shame is on the pair of those cheating scum, especially your husband. I’m sorry you are going through this x

The issue is in a marriage we as women trust the men we are married to. Unless something feels odd we do not look for signs or question where DHs have been. You did nothing wrong OP. Focus on the practical. Get good legal advice, make sure you understand where all the finances are. Google Form E (used for Divorce disclosure) and work through the headings so you know where DH has his pensions, investments, savings and all relevant assets. At some stage the new relationship may fail (fairly shortly when affair partner realises he has baggage and will face a messy divorce). Think carefully about taking him back. Once a cheater always a cheater IME.

You trusted and he broke that, don’t feel foolish he is the fool. Dust yourself off, get rid of him and have a happy life.

You are not foolish at all. You trusted your DH and his best friend. That's completely on them. They should be disgusted with themselves and how they treated you. Although him going to stay at her house says a lot.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve more.

I also wonder why he's telling you now.

OP, don't waste your time feeling foolish.

His deception was calculated and there's no fault in someone being trusting.

But you need to get organised now, get a solicitor, start gathering financial info and sort out money while he's still feeling guilty. The guilt won't last long.

Please don't feel foolish - you trusted him. This is what we are supposed to do with our partners. He is the one who has betrayed that trust in one of the most hideous ways and am so very sorry. None of this is your fault, please don't think of blaming yourself for one second.

Feeling foolish is sister to blaming yourself. Too many women feel that they must have somehow 'driven' their partner to behave this way. He wasn't driven to it, he took himself past the 'tempted' sign and right into this woman's orbit.

You are well rid of both of them. Her bare-faced cheek at sitting drinking with you while quietly smirking about what she and your husband were up to is awful.

I wish you a more tranquil future.

He set out to deceive you so don’t feel ashamed of being deceived. That’s on him, not you.
My advice is to find your anger. As others have said, there’s a reason he’s telling you now. Look after yourself and your son.

Ignore the voting OP as obviously everyone is on your side.

FWIW my best friend is a man and we are very close, maybe even closer than your DH is to this woman but never have we crossed that line.

You were absolutely not to know.
You should never feel ashamed for trusting someone.

Remove any thoughts of shame, guilt, embarrassment etc as these are all things he should be feeling, not you.

Ask him to leave and give yourself time to process things.
I am so sorry 💐

Chances are the daily life and dirty socks will take the shine off this grubby little set up, plus having to pay for his child and having his child contact and she will kick him out now the affair isn't so exciting and secret.
Please do not take him back, you are not foolish, you are the wronged party. He wanted to sniff around someone else like a dirty mongrel he's the foolish one.

Or him when she cheats on him. They sound like a right pair.

OP they sound like a pair of absolute narcissists. Hold your head up high, you haven't done anything wrong. Build a great life for you and you child.

What prompted him to suddenly confess after almost a year? Prick.

I'm sorry, OP, this is all on him. What an utter sewer rat. The only good thing in all this is that six years is a relatively short chunk of your life to have wasted with this sleazeball, but it's still six years too long. Hold your head up and I wish you all the best with your new life free of this cheating scumbag. 💐